maverick

"Good times, Joe, good times. You know, you can go to an Applebee's anywhere in this country, and you're going to end up with a smile on your face. Unless you're Cindy."   "Yeah, Cindy, put a little wiggle in your wobble."   "I don't even know what you're talking about, Joe, but I assure you that my wiggling days are over."   "Whoa. Is she always like this, John?"   "Most of the time, Joe, but she's still my first lady."   "John always gets bubbly like this after a Middle East trip. I'm surprised you didn't go with him, Joe."   "Yeah, I know, but it's so hot in Libya this time of year... and John spends all his time talking to Lindsey, so I just..."   "You should have. You would have loved Tripoli, Joe, it's exhilarating, it's inspirational, and the people are so grateful to the United States that it really makes you proud."   "And to think, there's probably nobody running for president that would have lifted a finger to intervene."   "Tell me about it, Joe. I heard Michele Bachmann blaming Obama for the Arab Spring. No shit, blaming him for it. I mean, I don't know how responsible for it he is, but I think high praise would be a better response. I'll tell you one thing though - Obama is one terrorist killing sonofabitch."   "He's a terrorist killing machine, John. My God, every time you turn around, he's killing another terrorist."   "I guess it's not as hard as President Dunderhead made it sound. It helps out to have a president with ice in his heart. You know, I'm really starting to like this Barack Obama, I don't care what anybody says."   "Well, there's certainly nobody running against him that would show his gumption."   "I know... there's something really wrong with the Republican party. That's why I'm going to do something you might find a little crazy. I'm going to endorse him for president."   "John!"   "That's right, Cindy. Maybe even do a little campaigning for him. It'll be the most mavericky thing I've ever done."   "I don't know if that's such a good idea, John."   "It's the same thing you did for me, Joe. Come on, it would be a lot of fun. Neither of us are running for office again, so what would we have to lose?"   "The respect of our... Uh, not a lot, I guess."

Firestarter

Cranky but befuddled hothead Senator John McCain has created a new firestorm within civil rights groups and throughout the Hispanic community with his charge that some of the firestorms ravaging Arizona were started by illegal immigrants.   "There is substantial evidence that some of these fires have been caused by people who have crossed our border illegally," McCain claimed Saturday at a press conference which was apparently called for the sole purpose of airing his claim. The former Republican presidential nominee has been feeling rather left out with the start of the 2012 campaign season and said he just wanted a chance to refresh his memory as to what the heat in the kitchen felt like. At the conclusion of his short remarks, he thanked the press for allowing him the opportunity to say something outrageous.   Many do-gooders were quick to point out that the senior senator had not submitted a shred of his substantial evidence, although if he had thought of it at the time he would have surely pointed out that it was intuitively true. It must have galled him terribly that it was already too late to get himself booked on any Sunday shows, but being no slacker, McCain appeared this morning bright and early on the Don Imus show to defend his claim.   "I said some of the fires, S, O, M, E, some," McCain told the largely irrelevant talk jockey, who protested that he had mastered at least elementary spelling. "I was briefed by the Forest Service, which is an official United States government agency, about the fact that illegal immigrants sometimes start these fires. Sometimes. And there has been testimony by service officials - note the word official - that large numbers of warming and cooking fires built are abandoned by cross-border violators and have caused wildfires that have destroyed cultural and natural resources."   "Harumph," replied Imus.   "Now I myself am not claiming these were warming fires. God knows that it's been warm enough lately. Some might even call it hot, but it's nice here in Arizona when you're not engulfed in flame, it's a dry heat. Cooking fires, that's another story. How else are you going to make a burrito when you're out there in the woods? And I would submit to you that anyone who would blatantly violate our immigration laws would have no qualms about not properly putting out their fires before they leave their campsites. One more thing to consider - when the border patrol is closing in on you, is there any better diversionary tactic than a blazing inferno? I think you've got to admit I've got an open and shut prima facie case."   "Harumph," agreed Imus, "time for a commercial break."   "I think my strong argument shows that I'm still as relevant within the Republican caucus as I ever was," said the triumphant senator later in the day as he strutted into the Capitol. "With any luck at all, I've shaved another five points off our Hispanic vote tally."

boots on the ground

President Obama promised that there would be no American boots on the ground in Libya, which just goes to show that once again he's guilty of misunderestimating John McCain.   The seventy-four year old senator parachuted into Benghazi under cover of darkness, carrying only a canteen of water and his favorite handgun, with the self-assigned mission of meeting him some rebels and "to get an on-the-ground assessment of the situation." Because who wants to listen to detailed assessments of battlefield status from a bunch of stuffy old Pentagon generals when you're John McCain, Man of Action?   "This was one of the most exciting and inspiring days of my life," McCain said. "Of course any day that's all about John McCain is a pretty exciting day. Someone needs to make American military policy, and I'm not willing to cede that privilege to anyone who doesn't understand the situation like I do. Forget what Admiral Mullen says, I'm urging President Obama to commit our troops to a surge because, well, I just like surges."   In spite of the fact that his boots were on the ground for only a few hours, McCain's laser like focus allowed him to determine the precise ideological makeup of the rebels he met.   "I have met these brave fighters and they are not Al Qaeda," he proclaimed. "They are Libyan patriots who want to liberate their nation, and a lot of energetic young people who are out there having the time of their life."   "They are my heroes," McCain said of the rebels as he prepared to leave the battle-torn country, escorted by what presumably was a second pair of boots on the ground. "The American servicemen used to be my heroes, but they haven't done all that well in the whole war-winning department the last few years."

Mt McCain

Mt McCain erupted again today, sending out a steaming flow of red hot resentment that destroyed everything in it's path. Luckily the cantankerous old senator was home alone at the time, but it's understood that the living room carpet is an absolute mess. The cause of the eruption is believed to have been McCain's arch-nemesis George W Bush, who for the past several days has been saying mean things behind his back. Police were called to investigate after a neighbor reported hearing a loud voice repeatedly bellowing "That's all I can stands, cuz I can't stands n'more!" Bush, of course, has been promoting his new book 'Decision Points', which compares Barack Obama quite favorably to McCain. "Daddy's been really upset ever since President Bush started his publicity tour," said daughter Megan McCain. "He had called Bush's office a couple weeks ago requesting an advance copy of the book, but he just got an answering machine and nobody ever called him back. That happens a lot with Daddy these days. I didn't have the heart to tell him I got an advance copy nearly a month ago. Anyway, the book came out today, and I assume that he got a copy. I don't know for sure because his phone has been off the hook all day." "I know he must be upset. Bush even took credit for Daddy's Iraq surge, and that was his pride and joy. Do you know how many nice things Bush has to say about Obama? At least ten. And do you know how many ugly thing he has to say about Daddy? I don't know, I don't have that many fingers." As Politico pointed out in a weekend preview, 'Decision Points' basically paints a portrait of McCain as a doddering old fool who doesn't have the common sense God gave a turnip. This might have been expected given the history of bad blood between the two men, but it is a bit surprising in the context of a book that has kind words for almost everybody but Kanye West and Saddam Hussein. Oh, and John McCain.   The publication of 'Decision Points' has liberated London's Financial Times to finally print a previously unpublished Bush quote from a meeting with Gordon Brown in late 2008. Asked about McCain's campaign, Bush replied "I probably won’t even vote for the guy. I had to endorse him. But I’d have endorsed Obama if they’d asked me."   "Oh no he didn't," said a shocked Megan McCain. "I don't know if George Bush will be judged as one of the worst presidents or one of the best, but I'm pretty sure that he's the meanest."

the Mac is back

"I'm happy with the win - we had to do what it takes," John McCain announced to the Arizona Republic shortly after winning the state's Republican primary. By way of explaining his cynical step to the far right, he added "As you know, this is an anti-incumbency environment and I had to prove to the Republican voters of Arizona that I can be the most effective person for them in these very difficult times. So I tell them what they need to hear to cope with the situation. These are simple people and they don't always know what's best for themselves." "I knew it, I knew it, I knew it," said defeated TEA party favorite J.D. Hayworth. "Sure as eggs is eggs I knew I was right. Just watch, by this weekend, he'll be saying he's never changed." "Poor old J.D., wrong again by four days," chuckled McCain. "I said that Tuesday night before they'd even finished counting all the votes. The Arizona Republic was trying to twist the story of my campaign into this idea that I'd sacrificed my Maverickness, and that my national image as someone who could reach across the aisle in order to save the Senate from itself was kaput. I told them rather forcefully, I do not buy your friggin storyline that I have changed. I will be the same guy that I have always been. And then I speed dialed Harry Reid and said I was ready to work on comprehensive immigration reform, called Lindsey Graham and said I want to get cranking on climate change, and called President Obama to say the Mac is back. He was on a vacation so I guess I'll have to Tweet him."

Deakin loses debate

Jim Deakin, co-conspirator in the plot to deny John McCain his rightful due, was pummeled by the cranky old senator in Friday night's Republican primary debate. J.D. Hayworth, McCain's leading challenger was not involved in the scuffle, bud didn't lift a finger to help even though Deakin audibly hollered 'uncle'. "I was busy looking down at my notes at the time," explained Hayworth. "It didn't strike me as unusual that Deakin would refer to McCain in a familial way considering his advanced age. I myself refer to John as Grampa, but then again I'm younger than Deakin. And a world younger than John McCain." McCain seemed irritable from the start of the debate, when Deakin answered the first question, 'which of you is the most conservative', before he had the chance to respond. The audio picked up the sound of McCain muttering 'whippersnapper'. The senator visibly reddened when Deakin claimed that he was the most conservative because he was a small business man. "You're not that small," McCain cleverly shot back in his reply, before going on to explain that he was the most conservative because he had endorsements from eleven sheriffs. The animosity continued to grow when Deakin responded to a question on limited government by stating that government had grown by twelve times during McCain's time in office and 400 times during Hayworth's. While Hayworth seemed amused by the sheer ridiculousness of the 400 assessment, McCain grew redder and could be seen mouthing the words 'nine and a half' in his mathematically impaired challenger's direction. The boiling point came when the topic turned to immigration and Deakin replied that "We need to have a conversation about the difference between immigration which is covered by the laws of immigration and naturalization and migration," a response that caused McCain to approach from behind and coldcock him, effectively ending Deakin's participation in the debate. "Naturalization and immigration, my ass," fumed the senator, as he lurked over the dazed Deakin. "What the hell sort of a dumb answer is that? Who is this idiot and why is a man of my stature force to share a podium with him? The man's never held an office in his life and he wants my job? He's never even been the goddamn dogcatcher." Deakin was treated and released after a couple hours, saying that in many ways the attack was a blessing, since he had been "Just about out of answers".

President Steele

Senator McCain. So glad to reach you... Who is this? You don't know who this is? This is your Chairman, that's who this is. Michael Steele... You damn right it's a big fucking deal, you just don't know how big it is. What do I want? I didn't say I wanted anything. Maybe I just want to talk... Uh huh... Uh huh... Well listen here, Senator John McCain, I was thinking about what you said a few days ago... About me. You know, that thing about how maybe I should reassess whether I can still lead the Republican Party as chairman of the RNC... Yeah, that. I've done me some serious reassessing and I think the answer is an unqualified yes. And I think the big question right now is not whether or not I can lead, but whether you and some of the other jokers can follow. I'm not going anywhere, McCain, not until the spirit moves me. And the spirit will move me, cause I'm going places, baby... No, hell is not on my itinerary at the moment, although I'd highly recommend it to you. I think they've got a discount for seniors. You know what I'm hearing lately?... Well, you better care. President Steele. That's what I'm hearing... All over, that's where I'm hearing it from, do you not read the papers? Andrew Sullivan and Ann Coulter agree with me about Afghanistan, that's a helluva pair of bookends, ain't it? Ann wrote a column saying that Bill Kristol should resign. Pretty funny, huh? And of course with the right I've got Ron Paul on my side, dude really packs a wallop, so I'm thinking the Tea Party's going to be falling in line. Damn war is expensive, man, bring those troops back and put the money back in people's pockets. And then there's about 80% of the Democrats who agree with me. Poor folks, they voted for change and they just got more of an endless war... Uh huh... Uh huh... You're a little senile, McCain, you just have trouble latching on to new ideas, I guess. I'm the maverick, now. I was just walking along, minding my own business, and I found this maverick title lying in the road. Some crazy old fool just tossed it away. Who knows why. Anyway, it was pretty beat up and tarnished but I took it home and it's starting to look like new. People sure do like a maverick. Whoa, you've got a pretty nasty mouth on you, McCain, hope nobody was recording that... Heh heh, just playing with you, but you've got to be careful about what you say... Me? You're wrong, man, I'm always careful about what I say. Maybe it sounds like I'm floundering cause you don't know how to listen... Again with that mouth. You better be careful, Senator, you're going to give yourself a heart attack. Yeah, I'm crazy all right. Politico says I'm crazy like a fox... That's right. Roger Simon, today. He says when you look at me, you aren't seeing a man wildly blundering, you're seeing a man running for president... That's not bullshit, man, you can't tell shit from shinola. Like he says, if I was the nominee, I'd end up getting most of the Republican votes anyway, plus I'd take a lot of the black vote away from Obama, and then there's all those anti-war votes just waiting for someone to call them in. Sounds like a plan, what you think?... Heh heh heh, you sure as heck are one x-rated geezer, McCain, if you could campaign like you cuss, you'd be on your way to a second term... Heh heh heh, fuck you too, Senator, it's been a pleasure talking to you.

political ad of the week

"You damn snot-nosed aliens get off of my lawn!"

Schmidt sees the future

(posting from Leo's Pub in Mount Pleasant, Pennsylvania, where Steve maintains a temporary presence)

Facing for the first time the possibility that he may be outmaneuvered from the right by J.C. Hayworth in Arizona's Republican primary, John McCain has begun exploring the possibility of running as an Independent, a path to success used by his good friend Joe Lieberman as well as the remaining ray of light for Florida Governor Charlie Crist.

“It makes imminent good sense,” said lead McCain strategist Steve Schmidt. “You've got to keep in mind that John McCain is the original Independent, if you don't think about that statement too closely, and I'm sure most voters won't. You could even call John a maverick, just not to his face. At least not this week. I don't think. Give me a second and let me check with his press agent... No, Hayworth is still making fun of the maverick label, and John is still assuming he might win, so nix this whole conversation.”

The conversation, although nixed, is significant as a signpost of a new Republican strategic direction – leaving the party.

“It makes imminent good sense,” said lead McCain strategist Steve Schmidt. “Currently the radical right politicians who appeal to the teabaggers have caught the imagination of the small number of voters who actually bother to vote in these primaries, particularly in off year elections. It's hard to compete among such a small subset, so some of the wackos like Hayworth and Rubio may actually get in. But the thing is, they'll get in as Republicans, and the Republican brand has pretty much worn out it's welcome. Hold on, I need to take this call... Yeah, John, I did call to ask about the maverick thing. Ed told me... Oh, he's out and it's okay now? Well, welcome back Mr Maverick... Uh huh, I am talking to a reporter, but... just talking straight political theory, John, nothing speific about you... Trial balloon? Okay, can do... All right, later.”

As the Tea Party gains visibility, it is invariably tied to the Republican label, and the prevailing thought among long time party stalwarts is that it may be better to just let them have the damn thing.

“It makes imminent good sense,” said lead McCain strategist Steve Schmidt. “The teabaggers had their window of opportunity but they've pretty much squandered their chance to challenge the Republican Party from the right, instead becoming synonymous with it. Yeah, let's just call it the Republican Tea Party, the party of Beck, Limbaugh, and that obnoxious orange guy Boehner. What America wants is fresh ideas from proven leaders who are independent. Not the party of 'yes' or 'no', but a party of 'maybe' and 'I'll get back to ya on that one'. Just kidding you on that last one, John McCain is a man who learns from his mistakes. He knows the nation wants a party of mavericks.”

A Profile Encouraged

On Monday, non-maverick John McCain appeared in the 'No Spin Zone' to demonstrate that O'Reilly isn't the only one who's watching out for you. Chief amongst his concerns was his strong distaste for illegal immigrants and his wholehearted support for using racial profiling to weed them out. It's a matter of highway safety, for God's sake. "It's the drive-by that - the drivers of cars with illegals in it that are intentionally causing accidents on the freeway," McCain sputtered. "Look, our border is not secured. Our citizens are not safe." "I'm certainly no fan of the illegals, Senator," said the puzzled portly pundit pointedly, "but I don't know what the hell you're talking about." "I'm talking about the Culos Locos, O'Reilly. They're an incredible menace." "Culos Locos?" "Culos Locos, the Crazy Asses. Christ, don't you read the Arizona Republic Daily, O'Reilly? The state is totally infested with Culos Locos, insane Mexicans who steal cars and crash them into innocent Arizonans for thrills. They make me furious. Sometimes they'll try to convince the other driver that the accident was their fault and shake them down for money. My advice is that if you see a Mexican, or someone you suspect of being a Mexican, pull off to the side of the road and call the police immediately. Get their license plate number, if they have one. Granted, most of them remove the plates before they take off on their sprees, but if the car does have plates, it's probably freshly stolen. It could still have a baby in it, or anything." "Well, Senator, I'm rather surprised that I haven't previously heard of this phenomenon. So you say these Cucos Locos are all stealing cars and intentionally crashing them?" "Not all of them, O'Reilly, they don't all have cars. Some of them are on foot. But they're every bit as crazy. They'll throw themselves in front of your car. It's like hitting a deer. It can do a hell of a lot of damage, and then there's the guilt factor." "I suppose if they're here illegally, there's no reason for anyone to feel guilty about hitting them..." "That's barbaric, O'Reilly. We want to deport them, not kill them. But we sure as hell don't want them to kill us by ramming into our cars or jumping in front of us and making us run off the road. That's what happened outside of Tucson last week, an eighteen wheeler flipped three times, the driver was killed instantly, and traffic was tied up for hours." "Because an illegal immigrant jumped out in front of him?" "I'd bet money that that's what happened, O'Reilly. And if we have to do a little racial profiling to prevent incidents like that from happening, then it's for the greater good." "Sounds like you're doing a little rationalizing, Senator. Not that I'm criticizing, just pointing it out." "Rationalizing? One of them tried to run into Cindy a few days ago. She told me it was terrifying. Luckily she escaped with only a dented fender." "She, uh, told you that?" "Cindy's a damn good driver." "Oh-kay. Well, there you have it folks, another O'Reilly exclusive. Just one more question before we go. Your opponent in the primary, J.D. Hayworth, is claiming that your newfound zeal for immigration reform..." "And profiling." "...And profiling is nothing more than an election year gimmick, and if you win, you'll move away from the right and back towards the middle. How would you respond to that?" "Don't listen to that guy. He's nothing but a maverick."

earmarks safe

John McCain, the senator who claimed during the 2008 presidential campaign that he had "never asked for nor received a single earmark", is, as usual, mad as hell today after a bill calling for a one year moratorium on earmarks was soundly defeated by a vote of 68-29. "I think old John is stretching the truth a little when he says that he's never asked for an earmark," said Senator Thad Cochran, one of 15 Republicans who joined the majority of the Democrats and made defeating the bill a true bipartisan effort. "Fact is, John has quit asking for earmarks cause he knows he's never going to get any. Seems like he's rubbed us all the wrong way at one time or another, and when it comes time to craft a final bill, there's always someone with enough of a recent grudge willing to yank John's earmarks out. Me, I love me some earmarks. I got $500 million of them in this year's spending bills alone. I don't have any guilt trips." "Thad, you pork eating son of a bitch, I hope you choke on your $500 million," shouted a red-faced McCain. "You need to wise up and realize that the American people want fiscal responsibility and accountability, you self-centered moron." "See, that's exactly what I was talking about," chuckled Cochran. "Now I'm gonna be carrying a grudge against that hot-head, and next time he wants something, he's not gonna get it." "Senator DeMint worked his tail off on this earmark bill," bellowed McCain. "We need something at least as good as the one the House passed." "Try and get a clue, will you?" said Jim DeMint. "I've got a tough re-election bid this year, so of course I'm for earmark reform, and five years from now, maybe I'll be for it again."

pre-summit strategy

"You drew the short straw, Boehner. That means you've got to do the giant health care bill stunt." "Not a problem, McCain, even though I'm pretty sure they were all short straws. I'll just give this to my sidekick Eric the Wonder Whip. That little twit will enjoy messing with Obama, even if it does makes him look juvenile and foolish. Or more foolish than usual, I should say." "Do you really think that the president is going to be flustered by seeing a giant health care bill on the table, Boehner?" "That's a good question, Mitch. Let's ask an expert. What do you think, McCain? You were almost president - would seeing a giant health care bill on the table have befuddled you?" "I would consider it a serious breach of decorum, so yes, I've got to say that it would likely throw me off track. But the truth is, I don't really give a fuck as long as it embarrasses Cantor." "That boy is too dumb to embarrass, but at least it'll be good for a laugh. Do you know what would be even funnier? If I had a giant health care bill also - then there would be a giant bill on either side of Obama. I'm laughing just thinking about it." "You don't look like your laughing, Boehner. You look like you're about to cry." "Oh yeah, I'm practicing. The camera just eats that up. I'm going to alternate between tearful, impatient, and unctuous. What do you think, Mitch? Good strategy?" "Well, I do appreciate the fact that you and Cantor are handling the props, since the Senate is far too dignified for that sort of shenanigans. But it is going to be a long meeting, so I hope I get a chance to see you seethe a little bit." "Forget about it, McConnell, that's a job for a real pro. You just leave the seething up to John McCain and you're going to see a red-faced, eye bulging, vein-popping seething demonstration of the type you can't buy for love or money. And when I speak... look out, their will be no prisoners taken and no quarter given. I'm going to snarl and interrupt and laugh in a strangely inappropriate way. And when that Nigerian motherfucker tries condescending to me, I'm gonna bite his goddamn head off." "You are a truly angry man, John." "You best believe it, Boehner, I'm on fire. If ACORN hadn't stolen the election, I would be the president and we wouldn't be in this mess today." "As I recall, you did vote for the bailout." "That's because Paulson and Bernake lied to me, you stupid fucking self-righteous peckerhead!" "Careful, Boehner, he's already turning crimson and the summit doesn't even begin for another hour." "Just getting him prepped, Mitch. You haven't told us yet what your strategy is for this meeting. You gonna go with your indignantly-lost-in-traffic expression?" "I know that's a pretty effective tactic, but I thought today I would stare at Obama intently and imagine that I have no pants on." "Oh jeez, Mitch, that's not much of a strategy. You know, that's an old trick for a speaker, where they imagine the audience naked, so that the speaker feels..." "I know that, Boehner, but seeing as how the President is an African-American, I'm worried that if I imagined him without any pants it might somehow be misconstrued as racism." "If I see this numbnuts imagining himself without his goddamn pants on, I'm gonna strangle him with his own intestines." "I've got a better idea, Mitch. When Obama calls on you, just yield the floor to McCain."

Corroborating Sarah

Really, Steve, you say that Sarah Palin didn't know why there was both a North Korea and a South Korea? You could have really messed with her mind by asking her why there was both a North Dakota and a South Dakota.

Even I don't know the answer to that one, Anderson. It's a puzzlement to me. Why are there two Dakotas when one would be more than sufficient?

Really. You've got like a million and a half people in these two different Dakotas and between them they've got more representation in the Senate than Texas or California or New York. That's somewhat crazy... Anyway, there's this rumor I hear that you really hate Joe Lieberman. True?

It sure is, Anderson, at least from a professional standpoint. And, to be honest, from a personal standpoint as well. I guess I just don't care all that much for traitors.

Really? Because a lot of people are calling you a traitor, you know, for bringing Sarah Palin on board as Vice President, and then going on shows like '60 Minutes' to badmouth her.

I'm a campaign strategist, Anderson; what I'm doing is called cleaning the slate. And I believe that if you were to ask Sarah Palin who selected her to run for vice president, she would tell you that it was God. And in fact, there may be a certain amount of truth to what she says, in this case. You see, John McCain had his heart set on running with Joe Lieberman...

This will be the most mavericky move anyone has ever seen, Joe, bold and unprecedented, totally awesome. We can take this country over the hill.

It does sound like an awful lot of fun, John... You know who we could get as Secretary of State? Susan Collins, she's a lot of fun. And Peter King could...

Sorry to interrupt, Joe, but I need to talk to John.... Alone... Now... Get the hell out of here, Lieberman, I said I need to talk to John... Alone... Now... Will you please just leave the room, ya idjit?

I don't appreciate you talking to my buddy like that, Schmidt. Joe is not an idjit, he's just oblivious. And he's going to be my vice president.

I hear you loud and clear, Senator, but I'm afraid that's just not possible. Joe Lieberman can never be your vice president, or anybody else's.

I'm afraid it's true, John. You see, several years ago, I did a very bad thing, and I... Do you think your toady could give us a moment alone?

Well, as long as we're all on the same page here, take all the time you need. I'll be right outside, looking at the polls. Buzz me when you're finished.

Go ahead, Joe, and tell me what you could have possibly done that was so bad that you can't be my running mate.

It was a rainy day in late October of 2000... I was in the Oval Office with Al Gore and President Clinton talking strategy. The two of them left for a moment to speak about something in private, and I was sitting there alone, just kind of looking around, and... I saw these cufflinks on Clinton's desk... they had the presidential seal on them, and for some reason, I just wanted them so badly... I've never told anyone about this before, not even my rabbi.

That's it? You stole Bill Clinton's cufflinks? And that's the worst thing you've ever done? Bwahahaha... sorry for laughing Joe, but for a politician, you're practically a saint.

Not in the eyes of God, John. A few short days later, when the polls had closed on election day, I had a frightening vision....

JOE LIEBERMAN! YOUR ACTIONS HAVE OFFENDED ME MIGHTILY. YOU SHALL NEVER WIN HIGHER OFFICE AND ARE CONDEMNED TO WANDER THE POLITICAL WILDERNESS FOREVER

I convinced myself that it had all been some sort of crazy dream, but later on I heard stories of a strange visitation at the Supreme Court.

JOE LIEBERMAN IS A THIEF, AND I DEMAND THAT YOU PUNISH HIM BY STEALING THIS ELECTION.

That's a pretty wild story you've got, Joe, but to be perfectly honest, I can't believe that God would do that just because you pocketed a pair of cufflinks...

MAYBE I'M JUST A LITTLE BIT TOUGHER ON THE JEWS! NOW GET OFF YOUR ASS AND CALL UP THAT NICE LADY FROM ALASKA!

Whoa! Okay, you got it, Joe is out, Sarah Palin is in. ****************************************

Fascinating story, Steve. Really. So you're telling me that you never found out why John McCain gave up his plan to run with Lieberman and chose Sarah Palin instead?

I was glad it happened, Anderson, because if he had gone with his gut, it would have torn the Republican Party apart. But what it was that Lieberman eventually told McCain is still a mystery to me. ******************************************

Thanks for your help back there, Joe. Verily, I'll reward you big time for it.

Not a problem, I'm glad to help out. But if I could be so bold as to ask, what was it all about? Do you have some sort of special plan for Sarah Palin?

Nah... I just like fucking with John McCain, that's all.

McCain claims new personal best

Hothead Senator John 'Mad Dog' McCain appeared on the Don Imus today, claiming to having reached a new high in volcanic anger, a claim that left even his closest friends shaking their heads in disbelief.Talking about the nation's recovering economy, which he nearly had the opportunity to totally destroy, the volcanic lawmaker said "There's not a lot of happy people out there, so you see tea parties, and you see people who are madder than they've ever been in their life. And frankly, I'm madder than I've ever been." "Oh really," asked Imus. "How about your fight a couple of years ago with Senator Cornyn? Or the time you called Chuck Grassley a fucking jerk? You were pretty angry then, by my calculations. How about the time when you repeatedly called Pete Domenici an asshole? Hey, Senator, remember the time you got in a fight with 97 year old Strom Thurmond?" "Those were all justifiable incidents," McCain shouted before decking Imus and storming out of the studio. "Oh, John's just trying to relive his glory days," says personal friend Lindsey Graham. "I guess he's a little upset about the economy, but I think mainly he just wishes he was the president. Remember the stories about how mad he would get when he was running for the top job the first time? That was a fiery man. One time his wife was teasing him about his thinning hair, and he told her 'At least I don’t plaster on the makeup like a trollup, you cunt'. Yeah, he really used to get mad in the old days." "He can't be any madder than he was back in the 2000 primary, when we planted the story about him having an illegitimate black daughter," chuckled former President George Bush, who has seen the legendary McCain temper up close. "Now that was one angry man. At that point, I knew I had to beat him, cause if John had been elected, he would had me executed." "I remember the sixties, when we used to torture him," said North Vietnamese interrogator Win Le Hu. "John McCain used to howl like a banshee, he was so full of anger. If he was truly angrier than that, it must have been a terrible sight to see."

john and joe weigh in

"He's coming and going at the same time!" squealed Senator Joe Lieberman, seemingly unaware of the fact that he was raising a motherfuckin' ruckus. "He's surging and ebbing! He's a hawk and a dove! He's black and he's white! For the life of me, I don't know whether to twist or shout." Informed that shout was not an antonym for twist, the mouth of the Connecticut lawmaker was undeterred. "Obama bucked his own party! Just like me! You know, it takes a special sort of man to do put national security ahead of partisan political interest, believe you me. Not many of us have that sort of raw courage, so I just want to shout it from the rooftops - I support this president, and if I had it to do all over again, I'd campaign for him. Maybe I will next time, if he'll have me. I believe I can fly!" "I remember when Joe used to talk about me like that," said former presidential fodder John McCain, seemingly a tad upset over his old buddy's enthusiasm. "He's a fickle little man with the heart of a teenage girl. I suppose it was only a matter of time before he fell under the spell of the dichotomous Barry Obama, considering Joe is a bit of a dichotomy himself. They say that opposites attract, but that's not true..." "I was on Hannity's show last night, and as you might expect, right out of the gate Sean wanted to bash the president. Me, I'm not much of a president basher, at least when it comes to our military ventures. I mean, if I was president... Aw, forget it, it was never... Anyway, after I'm introduced, I tell him 'Emperor Hirohito never surrendered to General MacArthur, at least not on the Missouri', and Sean acted like he didn't know what I was talking about."

The Good News

Hello friends, I'm Michael Steele, and I'm here to ask you a question - have you heard about the good news?

If you're talking about the gospel of our Lord Jesus Christ, then yes, Michael, I've heard it loud and clear.

As have all who hath ears to hear, John. But today I'm talking of the good news about the Republican Party.

In my opinion, Michael, as of late it's been nothing but good news for the Republican Party.

Very true, John. Perhaps I should have called this the great news about the Republican Party. Just in time for the holiday season, I'm pleased to announce the launch our on-line GOP Store!

Sorry to interrupt, Michael, but didn't you mean to say 'just in time for the Christmas season'?

Well, to be fair, John, there are a couple of other holidays in there, Thanksgiving, New Years, and all the Jewish ones. Go ahead, Michael, what makes this announcement so exciting?

It's because the GOP Store features hard to find Republican merchandise in one easy to find location! From pencil holders to bumper stickers, you can find everything to bring cheer this holiday to your favorite Republican friends and family members.

Take, for example, this lovely 4-piece GOP coaster set. Real brass with moisture proof silicone ring inserts for the low price of only $85.00

You know, that would be just the thing for my daughter Meghan this year. Truth be told, she's kind of outgrown the stuffed animals I always give her.

Oh, my girls Lindsay and Tricia still love the stuffed animals. Do you have anything at the GOP Store for them, Michael?

Let me introduce Peppermint, the latest addition to our fine collection of plush elephant collectibles. Dressed in festive holiday colors and standing five inches tall, Peppermint is a bargain at only $35.00.

That's so cute I hardly know what to say... Except for, I'm ordering today!

I suppose that stuffed pachyderms are okay for the kids, but you haven't shown me anything that I'd want to display in my rec room.

Oh yeah, John, well it just so happens that I've been in your rec room, and like most guys I know, you give prominent exposure to that great American masterpiece 'Dogs Playing Poker'.

Well, of course he does. Every guy I know has that on their wall, except for maybe Barney Frank. What do you have for us, Michael, 'Elephant's Playing Poker'?

Something much better than that, Michael... I'm talking about the latest masterwork from artist Andy Thomas, 'Memorable Republican Presidents Playing Poker'.

That's... beautiful.

I should be in that picture instead of that smirking frat boy.

I remember all of those presidents... Ike, Teddy, Tricky Dicky, the one who died a couple of years ago, Honest Abe, Poppy Bush, Ronnie, and that smirking frat boy. How much is it, Michael?

That's the best part. This is actually a 500 piece jigsaw puzzle, so you can have hours of fun assembling it before you hang it on the wall. And it's only $15.00!

$15.00! Unbelievable! And I could just take the piece with the frat boy's head out and paste my own face in there!

Take it from the Johns, folks, and come on over to the GOP Store where we promise to make this the reddest holiday season ever!

Reddest Christmas season, Michael.