Corroborating Sarah

Really, Steve, you say that Sarah Palin didn't know why there was both a North Korea and a South Korea? You could have really messed with her mind by asking her why there was both a North Dakota and a South Dakota.

Even I don't know the answer to that one, Anderson. It's a puzzlement to me. Why are there two Dakotas when one would be more than sufficient?

Really. You've got like a million and a half people in these two different Dakotas and between them they've got more representation in the Senate than Texas or California or New York. That's somewhat crazy... Anyway, there's this rumor I hear that you really hate Joe Lieberman. True?

It sure is, Anderson, at least from a professional standpoint. And, to be honest, from a personal standpoint as well. I guess I just don't care all that much for traitors.

Really? Because a lot of people are calling you a traitor, you know, for bringing Sarah Palin on board as Vice President, and then going on shows like '60 Minutes' to badmouth her.

I'm a campaign strategist, Anderson; what I'm doing is called cleaning the slate. And I believe that if you were to ask Sarah Palin who selected her to run for vice president, she would tell you that it was God. And in fact, there may be a certain amount of truth to what she says, in this case. You see, John McCain had his heart set on running with Joe Lieberman...

This will be the most mavericky move anyone has ever seen, Joe, bold and unprecedented, totally awesome. We can take this country over the hill.

It does sound like an awful lot of fun, John... You know who we could get as Secretary of State? Susan Collins, she's a lot of fun. And Peter King could...

Sorry to interrupt, Joe, but I need to talk to John.... Alone... Now... Get the hell out of here, Lieberman, I said I need to talk to John... Alone... Now... Will you please just leave the room, ya idjit?

I don't appreciate you talking to my buddy like that, Schmidt. Joe is not an idjit, he's just oblivious. And he's going to be my vice president.

I hear you loud and clear, Senator, but I'm afraid that's just not possible. Joe Lieberman can never be your vice president, or anybody else's.

I'm afraid it's true, John. You see, several years ago, I did a very bad thing, and I... Do you think your toady could give us a moment alone?

Well, as long as we're all on the same page here, take all the time you need. I'll be right outside, looking at the polls. Buzz me when you're finished.

Go ahead, Joe, and tell me what you could have possibly done that was so bad that you can't be my running mate.

It was a rainy day in late October of 2000... I was in the Oval Office with Al Gore and President Clinton talking strategy. The two of them left for a moment to speak about something in private, and I was sitting there alone, just kind of looking around, and... I saw these cufflinks on Clinton's desk... they had the presidential seal on them, and for some reason, I just wanted them so badly... I've never told anyone about this before, not even my rabbi.

That's it? You stole Bill Clinton's cufflinks? And that's the worst thing you've ever done? Bwahahaha... sorry for laughing Joe, but for a politician, you're practically a saint.

Not in the eyes of God, John. A few short days later, when the polls had closed on election day, I had a frightening vision....

JOE LIEBERMAN! YOUR ACTIONS HAVE OFFENDED ME MIGHTILY. YOU SHALL NEVER WIN HIGHER OFFICE AND ARE CONDEMNED TO WANDER THE POLITICAL WILDERNESS FOREVER

I convinced myself that it had all been some sort of crazy dream, but later on I heard stories of a strange visitation at the Supreme Court.

JOE LIEBERMAN IS A THIEF, AND I DEMAND THAT YOU PUNISH HIM BY STEALING THIS ELECTION.

That's a pretty wild story you've got, Joe, but to be perfectly honest, I can't believe that God would do that just because you pocketed a pair of cufflinks...

MAYBE I'M JUST A LITTLE BIT TOUGHER ON THE JEWS! NOW GET OFF YOUR ASS AND CALL UP THAT NICE LADY FROM ALASKA!

Whoa! Okay, you got it, Joe is out, Sarah Palin is in. ****************************************

Fascinating story, Steve. Really. So you're telling me that you never found out why John McCain gave up his plan to run with Lieberman and chose Sarah Palin instead?

I was glad it happened, Anderson, because if he had gone with his gut, it would have torn the Republican Party apart. But what it was that Lieberman eventually told McCain is still a mystery to me. ******************************************

Thanks for your help back there, Joe. Verily, I'll reward you big time for it.

Not a problem, I'm glad to help out. But if I could be so bold as to ask, what was it all about? Do you have some sort of special plan for Sarah Palin?

Nah... I just like fucking with John McCain, that's all.