Schmidt sees the future

(posting from Leo's Pub in Mount Pleasant, Pennsylvania, where Steve maintains a temporary presence)

Facing for the first time the possibility that he may be outmaneuvered from the right by J.C. Hayworth in Arizona's Republican primary, John McCain has begun exploring the possibility of running as an Independent, a path to success used by his good friend Joe Lieberman as well as the remaining ray of light for Florida Governor Charlie Crist.

“It makes imminent good sense,” said lead McCain strategist Steve Schmidt. “You've got to keep in mind that John McCain is the original Independent, if you don't think about that statement too closely, and I'm sure most voters won't. You could even call John a maverick, just not to his face. At least not this week. I don't think. Give me a second and let me check with his press agent... No, Hayworth is still making fun of the maverick label, and John is still assuming he might win, so nix this whole conversation.”

The conversation, although nixed, is significant as a signpost of a new Republican strategic direction – leaving the party.

“It makes imminent good sense,” said lead McCain strategist Steve Schmidt. “Currently the radical right politicians who appeal to the teabaggers have caught the imagination of the small number of voters who actually bother to vote in these primaries, particularly in off year elections. It's hard to compete among such a small subset, so some of the wackos like Hayworth and Rubio may actually get in. But the thing is, they'll get in as Republicans, and the Republican brand has pretty much worn out it's welcome. Hold on, I need to take this call... Yeah, John, I did call to ask about the maverick thing. Ed told me... Oh, he's out and it's okay now? Well, welcome back Mr Maverick... Uh huh, I am talking to a reporter, but... just talking straight political theory, John, nothing speific about you... Trial balloon? Okay, can do... All right, later.”

As the Tea Party gains visibility, it is invariably tied to the Republican label, and the prevailing thought among long time party stalwarts is that it may be better to just let them have the damn thing.

“It makes imminent good sense,” said lead McCain strategist Steve Schmidt. “The teabaggers had their window of opportunity but they've pretty much squandered their chance to challenge the Republican Party from the right, instead becoming synonymous with it. Yeah, let's just call it the Republican Tea Party, the party of Beck, Limbaugh, and that obnoxious orange guy Boehner. What America wants is fresh ideas from proven leaders who are independent. Not the party of 'yes' or 'no', but a party of 'maybe' and 'I'll get back to ya on that one'. Just kidding you on that last one, John McCain is a man who learns from his mistakes. He knows the nation wants a party of mavericks.”

Corroborating Sarah

Really, Steve, you say that Sarah Palin didn't know why there was both a North Korea and a South Korea? You could have really messed with her mind by asking her why there was both a North Dakota and a South Dakota.

Even I don't know the answer to that one, Anderson. It's a puzzlement to me. Why are there two Dakotas when one would be more than sufficient?

Really. You've got like a million and a half people in these two different Dakotas and between them they've got more representation in the Senate than Texas or California or New York. That's somewhat crazy... Anyway, there's this rumor I hear that you really hate Joe Lieberman. True?

It sure is, Anderson, at least from a professional standpoint. And, to be honest, from a personal standpoint as well. I guess I just don't care all that much for traitors.

Really? Because a lot of people are calling you a traitor, you know, for bringing Sarah Palin on board as Vice President, and then going on shows like '60 Minutes' to badmouth her.

I'm a campaign strategist, Anderson; what I'm doing is called cleaning the slate. And I believe that if you were to ask Sarah Palin who selected her to run for vice president, she would tell you that it was God. And in fact, there may be a certain amount of truth to what she says, in this case. You see, John McCain had his heart set on running with Joe Lieberman...

This will be the most mavericky move anyone has ever seen, Joe, bold and unprecedented, totally awesome. We can take this country over the hill.

It does sound like an awful lot of fun, John... You know who we could get as Secretary of State? Susan Collins, she's a lot of fun. And Peter King could...

Sorry to interrupt, Joe, but I need to talk to John.... Alone... Now... Get the hell out of here, Lieberman, I said I need to talk to John... Alone... Now... Will you please just leave the room, ya idjit?

I don't appreciate you talking to my buddy like that, Schmidt. Joe is not an idjit, he's just oblivious. And he's going to be my vice president.

I hear you loud and clear, Senator, but I'm afraid that's just not possible. Joe Lieberman can never be your vice president, or anybody else's.

I'm afraid it's true, John. You see, several years ago, I did a very bad thing, and I... Do you think your toady could give us a moment alone?

Well, as long as we're all on the same page here, take all the time you need. I'll be right outside, looking at the polls. Buzz me when you're finished.

Go ahead, Joe, and tell me what you could have possibly done that was so bad that you can't be my running mate.

It was a rainy day in late October of 2000... I was in the Oval Office with Al Gore and President Clinton talking strategy. The two of them left for a moment to speak about something in private, and I was sitting there alone, just kind of looking around, and... I saw these cufflinks on Clinton's desk... they had the presidential seal on them, and for some reason, I just wanted them so badly... I've never told anyone about this before, not even my rabbi.

That's it? You stole Bill Clinton's cufflinks? And that's the worst thing you've ever done? Bwahahaha... sorry for laughing Joe, but for a politician, you're practically a saint.

Not in the eyes of God, John. A few short days later, when the polls had closed on election day, I had a frightening vision....

JOE LIEBERMAN! YOUR ACTIONS HAVE OFFENDED ME MIGHTILY. YOU SHALL NEVER WIN HIGHER OFFICE AND ARE CONDEMNED TO WANDER THE POLITICAL WILDERNESS FOREVER

I convinced myself that it had all been some sort of crazy dream, but later on I heard stories of a strange visitation at the Supreme Court.

JOE LIEBERMAN IS A THIEF, AND I DEMAND THAT YOU PUNISH HIM BY STEALING THIS ELECTION.

That's a pretty wild story you've got, Joe, but to be perfectly honest, I can't believe that God would do that just because you pocketed a pair of cufflinks...

MAYBE I'M JUST A LITTLE BIT TOUGHER ON THE JEWS! NOW GET OFF YOUR ASS AND CALL UP THAT NICE LADY FROM ALASKA!

Whoa! Okay, you got it, Joe is out, Sarah Palin is in. ****************************************

Fascinating story, Steve. Really. So you're telling me that you never found out why John McCain gave up his plan to run with Lieberman and chose Sarah Palin instead?

I was glad it happened, Anderson, because if he had gone with his gut, it would have torn the Republican Party apart. But what it was that Lieberman eventually told McCain is still a mystery to me. ******************************************

Thanks for your help back there, Joe. Verily, I'll reward you big time for it.

Not a problem, I'm glad to help out. But if I could be so bold as to ask, what was it all about? Do you have some sort of special plan for Sarah Palin?

Nah... I just like fucking with John McCain, that's all.

The new face of FOX!

Former McCain campaign manager Steve Schmidt appeared on '60 Minutes' last night to discuss the 2008 presidential campaign, and to no one's surprise continued to try and salvage his reputation as a political wunderkind by describing how utterly amazed he was by the disaster known as Sarah Palin. “There were numerous instances that she said things that were not accurate that ultimately, the campaign had to deal with," Schmidt told Anderson Cooper (brought onto the show in order to add a little youth appeal). "And that opened the door to criticism that she was being untruthful and inaccurate. And I think that is something that continues to this very day." To this very day, indeed! And on this very day, we receive the happy tidings that Sarah has just signed on as a very special contributor to FOX News. "I am thrilled to be joining the great talent and management team at FOX News!!!" said Palin, an audible thrill in her voice. "It's wonderful to be part of a place that so values fair and balance news." "Ho, ho, there she goes again," chuckled FOX News president Roger Ailes. "That's the sort of untruthfulness and inaccuracy that Steve Schmidt was just bragging about. Those are exactly the qualities we look for here at the 'Fair and Balanced Network™', and my oh my, she's a pretty little thing to boot. And just like FOX, there is truth in some of her words - we do have great management and this is a wonderful place to be a part of."