Deakin loses debate

Jim Deakin, co-conspirator in the plot to deny John McCain his rightful due, was pummeled by the cranky old senator in Friday night's Republican primary debate. J.D. Hayworth, McCain's leading challenger was not involved in the scuffle, bud didn't lift a finger to help even though Deakin audibly hollered 'uncle'. "I was busy looking down at my notes at the time," explained Hayworth. "It didn't strike me as unusual that Deakin would refer to McCain in a familial way considering his advanced age. I myself refer to John as Grampa, but then again I'm younger than Deakin. And a world younger than John McCain." McCain seemed irritable from the start of the debate, when Deakin answered the first question, 'which of you is the most conservative', before he had the chance to respond. The audio picked up the sound of McCain muttering 'whippersnapper'. The senator visibly reddened when Deakin claimed that he was the most conservative because he was a small business man. "You're not that small," McCain cleverly shot back in his reply, before going on to explain that he was the most conservative because he had endorsements from eleven sheriffs. The animosity continued to grow when Deakin responded to a question on limited government by stating that government had grown by twelve times during McCain's time in office and 400 times during Hayworth's. While Hayworth seemed amused by the sheer ridiculousness of the 400 assessment, McCain grew redder and could be seen mouthing the words 'nine and a half' in his mathematically impaired challenger's direction. The boiling point came when the topic turned to immigration and Deakin replied that "We need to have a conversation about the difference between immigration which is covered by the laws of immigration and naturalization and migration," a response that caused McCain to approach from behind and coldcock him, effectively ending Deakin's participation in the debate. "Naturalization and immigration, my ass," fumed the senator, as he lurked over the dazed Deakin. "What the hell sort of a dumb answer is that? Who is this idiot and why is a man of my stature force to share a podium with him? The man's never held an office in his life and he wants my job? He's never even been the goddamn dogcatcher." Deakin was treated and released after a couple hours, saying that in many ways the attack was a blessing, since he had been "Just about out of answers".