A Profile Encouraged

On Monday, non-maverick John McCain appeared in the 'No Spin Zone' to demonstrate that O'Reilly isn't the only one who's watching out for you. Chief amongst his concerns was his strong distaste for illegal immigrants and his wholehearted support for using racial profiling to weed them out. It's a matter of highway safety, for God's sake. "It's the drive-by that - the drivers of cars with illegals in it that are intentionally causing accidents on the freeway," McCain sputtered. "Look, our border is not secured. Our citizens are not safe." "I'm certainly no fan of the illegals, Senator," said the puzzled portly pundit pointedly, "but I don't know what the hell you're talking about." "I'm talking about the Culos Locos, O'Reilly. They're an incredible menace." "Culos Locos?" "Culos Locos, the Crazy Asses. Christ, don't you read the Arizona Republic Daily, O'Reilly? The state is totally infested with Culos Locos, insane Mexicans who steal cars and crash them into innocent Arizonans for thrills. They make me furious. Sometimes they'll try to convince the other driver that the accident was their fault and shake them down for money. My advice is that if you see a Mexican, or someone you suspect of being a Mexican, pull off to the side of the road and call the police immediately. Get their license plate number, if they have one. Granted, most of them remove the plates before they take off on their sprees, but if the car does have plates, it's probably freshly stolen. It could still have a baby in it, or anything." "Well, Senator, I'm rather surprised that I haven't previously heard of this phenomenon. So you say these Cucos Locos are all stealing cars and intentionally crashing them?" "Not all of them, O'Reilly, they don't all have cars. Some of them are on foot. But they're every bit as crazy. They'll throw themselves in front of your car. It's like hitting a deer. It can do a hell of a lot of damage, and then there's the guilt factor." "I suppose if they're here illegally, there's no reason for anyone to feel guilty about hitting them..." "That's barbaric, O'Reilly. We want to deport them, not kill them. But we sure as hell don't want them to kill us by ramming into our cars or jumping in front of us and making us run off the road. That's what happened outside of Tucson last week, an eighteen wheeler flipped three times, the driver was killed instantly, and traffic was tied up for hours." "Because an illegal immigrant jumped out in front of him?" "I'd bet money that that's what happened, O'Reilly. And if we have to do a little racial profiling to prevent incidents like that from happening, then it's for the greater good." "Sounds like you're doing a little rationalizing, Senator. Not that I'm criticizing, just pointing it out." "Rationalizing? One of them tried to run into Cindy a few days ago. She told me it was terrifying. Luckily she escaped with only a dented fender." "She, uh, told you that?" "Cindy's a damn good driver." "Oh-kay. Well, there you have it folks, another O'Reilly exclusive. Just one more question before we go. Your opponent in the primary, J.D. Hayworth, is claiming that your newfound zeal for immigration reform..." "And profiling." "...And profiling is nothing more than an election year gimmick, and if you win, you'll move away from the right and back towards the middle. How would you respond to that?" "Don't listen to that guy. He's nothing but a maverick."