Thursday, April 22, 2010

Anti-Christ endorses Anti-Crist

Dick Cheney emerged from his bunker today to endorse Marco Rubio in his Florida Republican primary run against Governor Charlie Crist. In typical Cheney fashion, he was unable to give his backing to Rubio without simultaneously trashing his old friend Crist.

"Washington is broken and Congress is already overflowing with politicians who need pollsters to tell them what to think," said the horrible old man, seemingly oblivious to the importance of his own vital role in breaking the capitol. "It certainly doesn't need another one. Now more than ever America needs leaders with the strength of conviction. That is why I am proud to endorse Marco Rubio."

"Yeah, that and two bucks will get me a cup of coffee," said Rubio upon learning about the announcement. "First the Feds launch an investigation into my finances, then Crist says he may run as an independent, and now it's the kiss of death from Darth Vader. Oh well, they say bad things come in threes. Let's just hope Mister Warmth didn't have anything else to say."

"Charlie Crist has shown time and again that he cannot be trusted in Washington to take on the Obama agenda because on issue after issue he actually supports that agenda," Cheney continued.

"Well, duh, that didn't help much," muttered Rubio. "I wonder how many Independents that supported Obama are now going to show up to vote for Crist instead of just staying at home. On the positive side, maybe that'll keep him from running as an Independent."

"Lately it seems Charlie Crist cannot be trusted even to remain a Republican," concluded Cheney. "I strongly urge him to either stay in the Republican Primary or drop out of the race. The only winners from an independent bid by Crist would be Barack Obama and Harry Reid."

"Fuck me," concluded Rubio.


  1. They say Crist might run as a bi-(uh)-partisan.

  2. "Now more than ever America needs leaders with the strength of conviction" I wish Cheney had one for war crimes