The Fighting Democrats

"Well, Ibrahim, it's been a long and deadly battle, but it appears that our travails are at last coming to an end."   "It does appear that way, Yusif, although I shall not rest until we have the tyrant in our clutch."   "That is a fine daydream, Ibrahim, but what do you think the odds are that we would be the ones lucky enough to capture Muammar Gaddafi?"   "Perhaps they are not all that high, but certainly more likely than those of winning the Libyan Lucky Lotto, and it has not escaped my attention, Yusif, that you have played that weekly, even during the height of battle."   "Indeed I have, it is my one true addiction. Someday my numbers will come up. I always play the same ones - 8, 37, 94, 117, 347, 819, and 1314 as the wild card option."   "Ah, Yusif, can't you see that the game is rigged? The odds are astronomical, and no one has ever won since they expanded the number of balls to 1500."   "True, Ibrahim, but the jackpot is now up to three and a half million dinars... So, Just what would you do to the tyrant if you were so fortunate as to be the one to find him?"   "Just something simple, probably, like rip out his heart and show it to him. Of course, first I'd make him squeal like a pig."   "Heh, heh... Of course! That would be a grand scene, would it not, Muammar squealing like a pig and then 'Is that my heart you hold, you cockroach? Aiyeeee!' A most excellent scenario, Ibrahim, if I do say so myself."   "Thank you. I kind of like it... Yusif, I've been thinking. Now that we are victorious, do you not think we should adopt a new name? To my ears, the rebels sounds a bit generic."   "Really, Ibrahim? I think it has a classic sound, and envision it in all capital letter - THE REBELS! What would you suggest?"   "Well, I am not saying that THE REBELS! is a bad name, Yusif. The people could always sing 'Hey hey we're THE REBELS!, and people see us fighting around, so Muammar better be hiding, cause we're coming to his town'."   "Yes, yes, absolutely!"   "Truly, that is a fine theme song. However, I much prefer The Fighting Democrats."   "Bwahahahahahahaha ho ho...."   "What? Do I amuse you?"   "It is just that you are funny, you know. That was an amusing name, and it's funny, you're a funny guy."   "Allow me to understand this because, you know, perhaps it is me, I am a little battle weary perhaps, but I am funny how? You mean funny like I am a clown, I amuse you? I make you laugh, I am here to fucking amuse you? What do you mean funny, funny in what manner? How am I funny?"   "Uh... one brief moment... you have used an oxymoron..."   "And you have used a word that I do not understand but which I feel may have negatively referenced my mother's son."   "No no, Ibrahim. An oxymoron is a phrase containing funny and conflicting words. Like jumbo shrimp." "I can well imagine that jumbo shrimp would be delicious, Yusif, but what would be funny about them?"   "You see jumbo is... Uh, never mind, Ibrahim. How about the Libyan Ministry for Domestic Harmony?"   "Oh. Ho, ho, that is an amusing ministry indeed. But what makes The Fighting Democrats funny? Oh wait. I get it. You are saying that Democrats don't fight, aren't you? Yes, I see that. But... Would it not be a noble and attractive mission to redefine the concept?"   "I don't think... Yes. Yes it would, Ibrahim. From now on, we shall be the Fighting Democrats."    "Well then, let's sojourn on, Yusif. I believe there is a dictator's heart nearby with my name on it."

Farewell Address

"People of Libya,  those of you who are still able to get a decent signal on your televisions sets and are sitting on your backsides like cabbages while Tripoli is under siege - you ought to be very ashamed of yourselves. I addressed you mere hours ago, beseeching you to fight the rebels till your last drop of blood had watered the desert, and there you are watching the TV. It is clear to me that you are on hallucinatory pills that have been put into your milk and your Nescafe, and are now riding in the taxis of Al Jadeeda. The only other possibility is that you secretly hope for the collapse of the government of the Guide of the First of September Great Revolution of the Socialist People's Libyan Arab Jamahiriya, and that is a possibility that I refuse to accept so I am sticking with my taxis of Al Jadeeda theory."   "At any rate, your trepidation over joining the battle is causing me great distress. Your drug induced inaction has led to a situation where the rebels now stand in the outskirts of Tripoli. They are in the streets of the suburb of Janzour, which is within our broadcast area, and they could be outside of your very door. If this is indeed the case, please call 911-435-7669 and we will dispatch a soldier as soon as one becomes available. Of course, that will be of no assistance if your roof is currently on fire or if the rebels have already slaughtered you like a dog. Again, that number is 911-HELP-NOW."   "As an alternative, you may wish to try and sober up and actually consider helping now, as your nation is under attack and your assistance would be greatly appreciated. To illustrate my point, how many of you are familiar with Khamis Brigade? Yes, the big base due west of Tripoli where we keep a large portion of Libya's weapons. Guess who controls Khamis Brigade now? It is most certainly not me - is this the face of a man who controls Khamis Brigade? No it is not. As further evidence of our need for your immediate assistance, I might point to the refinery in Zawiya which supplies Tripoli with all of it's gas and oil. I think you know exactly where I am going with that, do you not?"   "You too can make a difference. All you need to do is pick up a weapon and commence slaying rebels. Please, for the love of Allah, pick up a weapon now. I leave you now, hopefully not for the last time, with disturbing words from a man who used to have kind things to say about the Guide of the Revolution, American Senator John McCain. Today he faced the nation and said 'we will soon be rid of a guy who has practiced the worst kind of brutalities'. People of Libya, he was talking about me, and his voice contained not a iota of jocularity. He said that it would be a matter of hours. John McCain is a man known throughout the world for his prognosticatory abilities, and his words are not to be taken lightly, so please, pick up a weapon today and fight until the last drop of blood... Good night and good luck."

boots on the ground

President Obama promised that there would be no American boots on the ground in Libya, which just goes to show that once again he's guilty of misunderestimating John McCain.   The seventy-four year old senator parachuted into Benghazi under cover of darkness, carrying only a canteen of water and his favorite handgun, with the self-assigned mission of meeting him some rebels and "to get an on-the-ground assessment of the situation." Because who wants to listen to detailed assessments of battlefield status from a bunch of stuffy old Pentagon generals when you're John McCain, Man of Action?   "This was one of the most exciting and inspiring days of my life," McCain said. "Of course any day that's all about John McCain is a pretty exciting day. Someone needs to make American military policy, and I'm not willing to cede that privilege to anyone who doesn't understand the situation like I do. Forget what Admiral Mullen says, I'm urging President Obama to commit our troops to a surge because, well, I just like surges."   In spite of the fact that his boots were on the ground for only a few hours, McCain's laser like focus allowed him to determine the precise ideological makeup of the rebels he met.   "I have met these brave fighters and they are not Al Qaeda," he proclaimed. "They are Libyan patriots who want to liberate their nation, and a lot of energetic young people who are out there having the time of their life."   "They are my heroes," McCain said of the rebels as he prepared to leave the battle-torn country, escorted by what presumably was a second pair of boots on the ground. "The American servicemen used to be my heroes, but they haven't done all that well in the whole war-winning department the last few years."

bad day for the AU

A spokesman for the delegation from the African Union has expressed frustration today after Moammar Gaddafi violated the terms of a peace treaty that had just been negotiate with him a few moments earlier. Gaddafi ended his fifteen minutes of cooperation by blowing up the BMW transporting the group with an artilery shell.   "Son of a bitch," said Ugandan president Yoweri Museveni. "I guess we should give him credit for destroying our car before we got in it, but just try telling that to the driver's wife and kids."   Adding insult to injury, the group was then mobbed by angry rebels as they attempted to drive through Benghazi in a rented BMW which was not nearly as nice as their original car. The mob loudly shouted 'Gaddafi out!' as well as other things that were simply too rude to repeat. "I know the African Union is not a prestigious big shot organization like the UN or NATO but give us a fucking break," lamented Congo's President Nguesso. "We get Gaddafi to sign a treaty and he breaks it a few minutes later. No way our dignity isn't going to take a ding from that sort of disrespect. And now we're stuck inside of Benghazi without a ride."

the optimist

"Colonel! Colonel! The roof is on fire!"   "We don't need no water, let the motherfucker burn! God, I love that song, Hassan... Have I ever told you that you are my favorite human alarm clock that I have ever employed?"   "I prefer the tem enslaved. Nothing personal, however. I just mean in the financial sense."   "Nonsense. Where else could you work where you could afford such luxuries as shoes."   "Well, pretty much anywhere, Colonel. We all have shoes now. I suppose it is those little airplane bottles of Johnny Walker that keep me in your employ. That and the guards. But as I said upon entering, the roof is on fire..." "We don't need no water, let the motherfucker burn!"   "I believe that I shall gather my wife and other possessions in order that I might escape a blazing demise..."   "Do not be such a nervous Nellie, Hassan. My compound is very secure, and underneath the roof I have a special line of defense - another roof. I had it put in after Ronald Reagan treacherously bombed me back in 1986."   "Double roofed? I did not know that... Still, you will be single roofed very soon."   "It is of no consequence. I am quite content to reside in a tent, and as a son of Libya you should be as well. Perhaps I have made life too comfortable for you."   "Yes, I am sure that's the problem, that and my irrational fear of being blown asunder."   "You know what we could use? More human shields. The West is always skittish about murdering civilians."   "That is so harmful to the image of the Great Socialist People's Libyan Arab Jamahiriya as a peace loving nation."   "It is going to be a long war, Hassan, and we will fight for every square in our land, with whatever weapons we possess. Furthermore, we have a vast number of rebels that we have imprisoned, and in all fairness, you cannot really call them civilians, can you?"   "No, I suppose not..."   "Of course not. We will target any traitor who is co-operating with the Americans or with the Christian Crusade and when we unleash our... Whoa! What was that loud exploding sound?"   "Let me look... Uh, it appears that the Christian Crusade just took out your military command center."   "Excellent. I needed a new one anyway. Do you have any more good news for me?"   "Well, the US chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff said that you staying in power was one possible outcome of this hostile incursion, assuming you do not have any fatal accidents."    "A breathtaking display of cowardice and lack of confidence. There is no such thing as an accident, Hassan."   "And, uh, Prime Minister Putin said that the allied actions remind him of a medieval call for a crusade."   "It does, it does! That man is a veritable fount of wisdom. I think I will call him tomorrow to ask when I can expect Russia's support troops to be joining us."

rude awakening

"Colonel, we need you in the State Room. The Frenchies have begun flying through the skies of Libya, and it seems..."   "Hold on, let me take my earbuds out... Guard, instead of interrupting me on a pleasant Saturday afternoon, why not make yourself useful by getting me a cup of coffee. And... one of those little French pastries. With the date filling."   "It's odd that you should mention French pastries, Colonel, because that is why you need to meet immediately in the State Room with your commanders."   "Oh, they have pastries in the State Room?"   "Not as far as I know, your Excellency... I came to inform you that French military planes are flying through our air space like they own the place... Why are you laughing, Colonel?"   "Because I laugh at the French. They excel at making pastries, but at fighting the Great Socialist People's Libyan Arab Jamahiriya forces of Muammar Gaddafi they are a joke."   "Then they are a joke that has begun targeting our military assets. We need to go to the State Room now. They have already destroyed four of our tanks, including one containing  Commander Sihs Boombah."   "Sihs Boombah? Those accursed Frenchies. Nevertheless, they are still a joke, albeit a bad one. And I, your King of Kings, am still waiting for a cup of coffee."   "Well Colonel, how do you feel about the British? Because Prime Minister Cameron now says their attacks are imminent."   "I sneer at the British. You know that I do not have the warmest of regards for those people, with their disgusting food and horrible weather. As fighters, they are a little bit better than the French, but no match for the Brother Leader and Guide of the Revolution. Of course, who is?"   "The United States, perhaps? As you know, they are providing logistics for the attacks, as well as weaponry of their own."   "The United States? Really? But I have had our American diplomat insure them that we are abiding by the cease-fire and that it is the rebels who have broken the cease-fire. I felt sure they would have backed down by now."   "I suppose that they do not believe you, your Excellency. I know, that is hard to believe, but your track record leaves something to be desired. Another vital point - the rebels never said they were going to hold a cease-fire."   "They didn't? That hardly seems fair... Still, I am unworried. I just sent Barack Obama a very nice letter saying that I love him like a son."   "He may be aware of the disdain you hold for the majority of your sons."   "Still, a nice letter like that... I don't think he'll harm me."   "Obama has left the country, leaving Hillary Clinton in charge."   "Mohammadamnit! Well, I suppose there is nothing more to do other than fight on to victory."   "You could come to the State Room and meet with your commanders."   "Get me my coffee, and perhaps I'll think about it."

the pre-victory speech

People of Libya, sons and daughters of the Guide of the First of September Great Revolution of the Socialist People's Libyan Arab Jamahiriya, I beseech you to cast your gaze up to the horizon and tell me, what is that in the sky? Is it a bird? No, it is not a bird. Is it a plane? Indeed it is. Very good, you got it on the second guess.   Perhaps you thought I was going to surprise you with the revelation that it was Superman, but I assure you that I am no Superman, just a superlative man that loves his people very much and rules them with an iron fist. But that iron fist is encased within a velvet glove which now wishes to caress your cheek and tell you that our period of turmoil is near an end, and that our drug addled youth are on the verge of being unable to harm our great nation much longer. See, here comes another of my war planes now to help convince them of the error of their ways.   Besides a bird, do you know what else is not up in the sky? United Nations coalition forces imposing a 'No Fly Zone'. No, I do not see a single one of those and I am scanning the sky quite intently. Perhaps it is because the world now sees the wisdom of our fight against the rebels. After all, I present no threat to the West, although the rebels most assuredly are.   We are a unified people, but the rebels would split Libya into the many tribes from which we are formed: the Warfalla, which is a pretty good tribe as far as tribes go; the Al-Zintan, a wicked tribe which is mighty quick to throw a rock; the Al-Abaydat, which is relatively harmless, but not from lack of trying; the Al-Qaddadfa, which sounds a little too much like al-Qaeda for comfort; the Al-Zuwayya, whom I might remind you just recently threatened to destroy our oil reserves... then of course there are the Al-Rijban, the Drasa, and the Al-Haraba, troublemakers all; the Warfalla... What? I already mentioned them? Sorry, I just like those guys... You know who I did not mention? The Awlad Busayf. I do not believe anyone wants to see the Awlad Busayf have independence. Show of hands, who here likes the Awlad Busayf? Guards, shoot those men.   At any rate, I believe I have made my point, which is that we are composed of many tribes, so unless the world diplomatic community wants to have to deal with twenty-three new countries, they had best leave me alone. Because I tell you honestly, some of those guys would just as soon slit your throat as look at you. My apologies to anyone here today who is descended from one of those tribes, which is all of you, but you know that I speak truthfully.   The good news that I bring you today is that the United Nations appears to get it, and shall leave us alone. Oh, it is true that they say they are currently distracted by a minor crisis in Japan, but I think we all know the truth of the matter. Sometimes it is better to deal with the devil you know than to deal with the twenty-three devils you do not.

Muammar speaks

...and it is pure folly to suggest otherwise, no matter how much you may wish it were otherwise. You are on drugs, are you not? Believe me, from your behavior that is clearly the case, so I will tell you once again. I can not resign, it is impossible. If I were president, I would have resigned, but I have no position to resign from. I guess you feel pretty silly right now for all your... What?... Excuse me?... Yes, I know I am going long. It is a long speech, and as you can clearly see, I still have several more pages... I don't care if it is almost time for the Ma Tkhafoush Show or not. State television is under my control and... It is not?... When did that happen? Okay, but I swear to Allah that I will have your head as soon as I wrap this thing...   People of Libya, the producer is asking that I hurry things along so that they do not have to preempt the Ma Tkhafoush Show. My first reaction was to laugh scornfully, but then I am reminded of the Libyan people's love for Nour Al-Sharif and because of my love for the majority of my countrymen, I shall comply with his wishes.   As I was saying earlier, blood shall flow. I realize that there are those who would say that blood has already flowed, but you need to realize that I have not yet ordered the use of force, not yet ordered one bullet to be fired. But when I do, everything will burn. Everything will burn while blood flows out of it. It will not be a pretty sight.   Now a lot of you are probably asking yourselves 'Will I burn?' 'Will my blood flow?' That is quite possible, these gangs in the streets would be pleased with such an outcome. However, there is a way for you to escape such a fate. Come out of your homes, attack them in their dens. Withdraw your children from the streets.  They are drugging your children, they are making your children drunk and sending them to hell, so you would certainly be justified in the eyes of the Prophet for detaching these troublemakers from their spleens. Damn those who stir up unrest. If you are on the squeamish side, just round up these rats and I will be more than happy to execute them for you.   So to summarize, I had two major points that I wanted to impart today. Number one, and this is aimed at those of you on drugs, I will never leave Libya. It is not possible that I leave this place. I am a fighter, a revolutionary from tents, and I will die as a martyr. And point number two, blood will flow.   Good night and good luck.

Seif speaks

With over 250 protesters killed and thousands injured, Libya today lurched closer to the point of complete collapse. In a show of force, the government began the unusual practice of strafing it's people from military aircrafts. Oil production has been halted by worker strikes, which is a problem for a country with no other source of income except for tourism, and tourism is as dead as the soldiers who have been dismembered for refusing to fire on the people. And Guide of the Revolution Muammar Gadaffi appears to have left the building.   "To be perfectly honest about it, Dad really needed a vacation," said the strongman's son Seif al-Islam Gadaffi. Saif holds absolutely no position of authority in Libya, and yet there he was, addressing the people on state television.   "I thought it would be a good idea," he said later. "I just kind of figured the people would appreciate hearing from a Gadaffi, even if it wasn't the one they were expecting. Apparently I don't have the rhetorical talents of my father, because after I finished speaking, the people went wild in the streets, which really wasn't what I had intended."   "It started off well enough," Seif continued. "I told the people that I was going to give them some straight talk, and you know how the people like that. I mean, I acknowledge that the country was going though a little bit of strife, and I told them we were going to give them some real reform, which is what I thought they wanted. Maybe they were confused by the 'we', since my Dad is a monomaniacal tyrant, after all. In hindsight, I guess I can see why they might think of those as empty words."   "Still, I did the best I could. I even explained that the only reason that the army and police had been shooting them was that they had never received training in dispersal of demonstrations and that kind of put them in a difficult psychological situation. I wish that I had used a studio audience, because that would have given me an indication that things were going south, and I certainly wouldn't have told them that we would fight to our very last man, woman, and bullet. No way I would have gone there."   "Well, what's done is done, as Dad always said," Seif concluded wistfully. "I suppose Libya will be in complete chaos now, and we'll probably have an endless civil war... You know, I guess the one good thing about not having an official government position is that at least you don't have to worry about being deposed."