Thursday, September 1, 2011

The Fighting Democrats

 "Well, Ibrahim, it's been a long and deadly battle, but it appears that our travails are at last coming to an end."
"It does appear that way, Yusif, although I shall not rest until we have the tyrant in our clutch."
"That is a fine daydream, Ibrahim, but what do you think the odds are that we would be the ones lucky enough to capture Muammar Gaddafi?"
"Perhaps they are not all that high, but certainly more likely than those of winning the Libyan Lucky Lotto, and it has not escaped my attention, Yusif, that you have played that weekly, even during the height of battle."
"Indeed I have, it is my one true addiction. Someday my numbers will come up. I always play the same ones - 8, 37, 94, 117, 347, 819, and 1314 as the wild card option."
"Ah, Yusif, can't you see that the game is rigged? The odds are astronomical, and no one has ever won since they expanded the number of balls to 1500."
"True, Ibrahim, but the jackpot is now up to three and a half million dinars... So, Just what would you do to the tyrant if you were so fortunate as to be the one to find him?"
"Just something simple, probably, like rip out his heart and show it to him. Of course, first I'd make him squeal like a pig."
"Heh, heh... Of course! That would be a grand scene, would it not, Muammar squealing like a pig and then 'Is that my heart you hold, you cockroach? Aiyeeee!' A most excellent scenario, Ibrahim, if I do say so myself."
"Thank you. I kind of like it... Yusif, I've been thinking. Now that we are victorious, do you not think we should adopt a new name? To my ears, the rebels sounds a bit generic."
"Really, Ibrahim? I think it has a classic sound, and envision it in all capital letter - THE REBELS! What would you suggest?"
"Well, I am not saying that THE REBELS! is a bad name, Yusif. The people could always sing 'Hey hey we're THE REBELS!, and people see us fighting around, so Muammar better be hiding, cause we're coming to his town'."
"Yes, yes, absolutely!"
"Truly, that is a fine theme song. However, I much prefer The Fighting Democrats."
"Bwahahahahahahaha ho ho...."
"What? Do I amuse you?"
"It is just that you are funny, you know. That was an amusing name, and it's funny, you're a funny guy."
"Allow me to understand this because, you know, perhaps it is me, I am a little battle weary perhaps, but I am funny how? You mean funny like I am a clown, I amuse you? I make you laugh, I am here to fucking amuse you? What do you mean funny, funny in what manner? How am I funny?"
"Uh... one brief moment... you have used an oxymoron..."
"And you have used a word that I do not understand but which I feel may have negatively referenced my mother's son."
"No no, Ibrahim. An oxymoron is a phrase containing funny and conflicting words. Like jumbo shrimp."

"I can well imagine that jumbo shrimp would be delicious, Yusif, but what would be funny about them?"
"You see jumbo is... Uh, never mind, Ibrahim. How about the Libyan Ministry for Domestic Harmony?"
"Oh. Ho, ho, that is an amusing ministry indeed. But what makes The Fighting Democrats funny? Oh wait. I get it. You are saying that Democrats don't fight, aren't you? Yes, I see that. But... Would it not be a noble and attractive mission to redefine the concept?"
"I don't think... Yes. Yes it would, Ibrahim. From now on, we shall be the Fighting Democrats."
"Well then, let's sojourn on, Yusif. I believe there is a dictator's heart nearby with my name on it."


  1. Wow.

    I had to read it twice before it actually hit me since I am so slow-witted, and all.

    Why is it so hilarious? I guess it's a comedic mystery.

    I'm still here, I never left.

  2. Except that when you read it a third time it suddenly isn't funny anymore.

    What the fuck do you call that?