Tuesday, August 30, 2011

the gray aura

"I don't know, maybe I really am a witch," Christine O'Donnell says reflectively, gazing dejectedly at an untouched glass of white wine. "I know that I said I wasn't a witch, and I sincerely meant that, but I guess that it's possible to be a witch without even knowing it. Or at least to exude a negative aura that everybody can see but yourself. Do you see a gray aura to me? Oh, I know, you probably wouldn't tell me even if you did, since that has such a negative connotation, someone who is stuck in a life situation that they can't see a way out of. I used to have a blue-green aura and that was a good thing, but now I can't see it anymore and I feel it must have turned gray on me. I'll bet there's some dark brown in it as well. I feel that must be true."
"A couple of weeks ago, there was this guy named Chris Cillizza who wrote a snarky little piece about how I had had the worst week in Washington, and I thought, that's really cruel. But it had been kind of a bad week to be honest about it. My new book 'Trouble Maker' had just come out and people were either making fun of it or ignoring it all together. And the TV interviews I was getting were not exactly top shelf, like Piers Morgan on CNN, who I'd never really heard of but still felt perfectly justified in sexually harassing. Or FOX, where they put me on with Steve Doocy and those two blonde women, and Doocy kept trying to look up my skirt even though he denied it and those two blonde women just sat there snickering while I wasn't looking. And Cillizza capped his piece off by implying that I was never going to get rich cause my book was only number 3,819 at Amazon."
"And I guess those were the good old days, because when I checked yesterday 'Trouble Maker' had fallen to the 25,083rd bestselling ranks. I've got to admit, I didn't even know they had that many books, and I'm starting to worry cause any day now I'm expecting for St. Martin's Press to ask me for the advance money back, not that it was that much to begin with, and anyway, I've already spent it on two pairs of shoes and a decent manicure."
"I'm still doing book signings, but I'm having to max out my credit cards for travel expenses and it's totally not working - people come around to gawk at me and snicker behind my back, but they don't buy my book and I'm just sitting there surrounded by this stack of books feeling like a freak. I did a signing in Naples a few days ago, two hours I'm there and I sign five books. It would have been six if I had signed this demonology book some little creep handed me."
"Then today, the one thing that I had left to look forward to, a speech to the Tea Party of America in Iowa along with Sarah Palin... they uninvited me. I couldn't believe it. I was one of the original Tea Party candidates, and they uninvited me. They said they had made a mistake, they thought they had an open slot but they were wrong, and that's such a lie, they make the schedule, they can have however many slots they want. And the scuttlebutt out there is that Sarah Palin didn't want anyone that would reflect negatively on her in case she decides to run for president. Maybe she's seen the gray aura, but I've got news for her - your aura is bright red, Sarah, and that's not such a great thing either."

"So I'm thinking, it might be time for me to just hang it up, this political thing isn't really working out for me. I can't even say I'm Taxed Enough Already cause I haven't made enough money to be taxed, so I just wish I had that complaint. But... I'm still not old and it's probably not too late for me to meet a guy and get married and have a family... That's a nice dream, I know, but it's going to be tough to find a guy who can't read auras."

1 comment:

  1. My wife says all Christine needs is a warlock. Since you know all about 'auras', Mark, I thought you might be able to do some matchmaking.