Wednesday, March 16, 2011

the pre-victory speech

People of Libya, sons and daughters of the Guide of the First of September Great Revolution of the Socialist People's Libyan Arab Jamahiriya, I beseech you to cast your gaze up to the horizon and tell me, what is that in the sky? Is it a bird? No, it is not a bird. Is it a plane? Indeed it is. Very good, you got it on the second guess.
Perhaps you thought I was going to surprise you with the revelation that it was Superman, but I assure you that I am no Superman, just a superlative man that loves his people very much and rules them with an iron fist. But that iron fist is encased within a velvet glove which now wishes to caress your cheek and tell you that our period of turmoil is near an end, and that our drug addled youth are on the verge of being unable to harm our great nation much longer. See, here comes another of my war planes now to help convince them of the error of their ways.
Besides a bird, do you know what else is not up in the sky? United Nations coalition forces imposing a 'No Fly Zone'. No, I do not see a single one of those and I am scanning the sky quite intently. Perhaps it is because the world now sees the wisdom of our fight against the rebels. After all, I present no threat to the West, although the rebels most assuredly are.
We are a unified people, but the rebels would split Libya into the many tribes from which we are formed: the Warfalla, which is a pretty good tribe as far as tribes go; the Al-Zintan, a wicked tribe which is mighty quick to throw a rock; the Al-Abaydat, which is relatively harmless, but not from lack of trying; the Al-Qaddadfa, which sounds a little too much like al-Qaeda for comfort; the Al-Zuwayya, whom I might remind you just recently threatened to destroy our oil reserves... then of course there are the Al-Rijban, the Drasa, and the Al-Haraba, troublemakers all; the Warfalla... What? I already mentioned them? Sorry, I just like those guys... You know who I did not mention? The Awlad Busayf. I do not believe anyone wants to see the Awlad Busayf have independence. Show of hands, who here likes the Awlad Busayf? Guards, shoot those men.
At any rate, I believe I have made my point, which is that we are composed of many tribes, so unless the world diplomatic community wants to have to deal with twenty-three new countries, they had best leave me alone. Because I tell you honestly, some of those guys would just as soon slit your throat as look at you. My apologies to anyone here today who is descended from one of those tribes, which is all of you, but you know that I speak truthfully.
The good news that I bring you today is that the United Nations appears to get it, and shall leave us alone. Oh, it is true that they say they are currently distracted by a minor crisis in Japan, but I think we all know the truth of the matter. Sometimes it is better to deal with the devil you know than to deal with the twenty-three devils you do not.


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