Monday, March 21, 2011

the optimist

"Colonel! Colonel! The roof is on fire!"
"We don't need no water, let the motherfucker burn! God, I love that song, Hassan... Have I ever told you that you are my favorite human alarm clock that I have ever employed?"
"I prefer the tem enslaved. Nothing personal, however. I just mean in the financial sense."
"Nonsense. Where else could you work where you could afford such luxuries as shoes."
"Well, pretty much anywhere, Colonel. We all have shoes now. I suppose it is those little airplane bottles of Johnny Walker that keep me in your employ. That and the guards. But as I said upon entering, the roof is on fire..."

"We don't need no water, let the motherfucker burn!"
"I believe that I shall gather my wife and other possessions in order that I might escape a blazing demise..."
"Do not be such a nervous Nellie, Hassan. My compound is very secure, and underneath the roof I have a special line of defense - another roof. I had it put in after Ronald Reagan treacherously bombed me back in 1986."
"Double roofed? I did not know that... Still, you will be single roofed very soon."
"It is of no consequence. I am quite content to reside in a tent, and as a son of Libya you should be as well. Perhaps I have made life too comfortable for you."
"Yes, I am sure that's the problem, that and my irrational fear of being blown asunder."
"You know what we could use? More human shields. The West is always skittish about murdering civilians."
"That is so harmful to the image of the Great Socialist People's Libyan Arab Jamahiriya as a peace loving nation."
"It is going to be a long war, Hassan, and we will fight for every square in our land, with whatever weapons we possess. Furthermore, we have a vast number of rebels that we have imprisoned, and in all fairness, you cannot really call them civilians, can you?"
"No, I suppose not..."
"Of course not. We will target any traitor who is co-operating with the Americans or with the Christian Crusade and when we unleash our... Whoa! What was that loud exploding sound?"
"Let me look... Uh, it appears that the Christian Crusade just took out your military command center."
"Excellent. I needed a new one anyway. Do you have any more good news for me?"
"Well, the US chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff said that you staying in power was one possible outcome of this hostile incursion, assuming you do not have any fatal accidents." 
"A breathtaking display of cowardice and lack of confidence. There is no such thing as an accident, Hassan."
"And, uh, Prime Minister Putin said that the allied actions remind him of a medieval call for a crusade."
"It does, it does! That man is a veritable fount of wisdom. I think I will call him tomorrow to ask when I can expect Russia's support troops to be joining us."

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