Sunday, August 21, 2011

Farewell Address

"People of Libya,  those of you who are still able to get a decent signal on your televisions sets and are sitting on your backsides like cabbages while Tripoli is under siege - you ought to be very ashamed of yourselves. I addressed you mere hours ago, beseeching you to fight the rebels till your last drop of blood had watered the desert, and there you are watching the TV. It is clear to me that you are on hallucinatory pills that have been put into your milk and your Nescafe, and are now riding in the taxis of Al Jadeeda. The only other possibility is that you secretly hope for the collapse of the government of the Guide of the First of September Great Revolution of the Socialist People's Libyan Arab Jamahiriya, and that is a possibility that I refuse to accept so I am sticking with my taxis of Al Jadeeda theory."
"At any rate, your trepidation over joining the battle is causing me great distress. Your drug induced inaction has led to a situation where the rebels now stand in the outskirts of Tripoli. They are in the streets of the suburb of Janzour, which is within our broadcast area, and they could be outside of your very door. If this is indeed the case, please call 911-435-7669 and we will dispatch a soldier as soon as one becomes available. Of course, that will be of no assistance if your roof is currently on fire or if the rebels have already slaughtered you like a dog. Again, that number is 911-HELP-NOW."
"As an alternative, you may wish to try and sober up and actually consider helping now, as your nation is under attack and your assistance would be greatly appreciated. To illustrate my point, how many of you are familiar with Khamis Brigade? Yes, the big base due west of Tripoli where we keep a large portion of Libya's weapons. Guess who controls Khamis Brigade now? It is most certainly not me - is this the face of a man who controls Khamis Brigade? No it is not. As further evidence of our need for your immediate assistance, I might point to the refinery in Zawiya which supplies Tripoli with all of it's gas and oil. I think you know exactly where I am going with that, do you not?"
"You too can make a difference. All you need to do is pick up a weapon and commence slaying rebels. Please, for the love of Allah, pick up a weapon now. I leave you now, hopefully not for the last time, with disturbing words from a man who used to have kind things to say about the Guide of the Revolution, American Senator John McCain. Today he faced the nation and said 'we will soon be rid of a guy who has practiced the worst kind of brutalities'. People of Libya, he was talking about me, and his voice contained not a iota of jocularity. He said that it would be a matter of hours. John McCain is a man known throughout the world for his prognosticatory abilities, and his words are not to be taken lightly, so please, pick up a weapon today and fight until the last drop of blood... Good night and good luck."


  1. Please for Christ sake help this poor boy from Haiti.

  2. up Anne Romney's buttAugust 22, 2011 at 9:10 AM

    Gaddafi's body count hardly matches that of McCaint's or BushCo. (or HRC's). And unlikely that Hooters will be appearing in Libya in the near future.

    eh shallah