| The latest Gallup presidential poll has disturbing news for President Obama, showing that if the election were to happen today, it would be totally bogus due to it's being held more than fourteen months early. Nevertheless, if it were to be held outside of the constitutional timeframe, not only would a lot of people forget to vote, but Mitt Romney would defeat Obama 48-46, Rick Perry and Ron Paul would tie him 47-47, and Michele Bachmann would come so close she could almost taste it at 47-44. Gallup did not include other actual or theoretical candidates in their sampling, resulting in a multitude of hurt feelings amongst those who were excluded. |
"Holy Hannah, this runnin for president thing is a lot easier than I thought it was gonna be," an exuberant Perry gushed at a South Carolina rally after being informed of the poll. "Two weeks after gettin in I'm already tied with Obama, and I'm bettin that a lot of people don't even know my name yet. Course I'm guessin that it don't really matter as long as my name ain't Obama. I'm a comin for you, Mitt. America's ready for some more good old fashion Texas fundamentalism, and I know you ain't Texan. I don't know if you're a fundamentalist either, but that's a matter between you and your maker, Joseph Smith."
"Governor Perry knows better than to refer to Joseph Smith as my maker," Romney replied in a reassuringly measured tone. "He's simply a prophet, no more and no less, and to suggest otherwise is pure demagoguery on his part. Of course, I'm certain that he doesn't know what that word means, so I'm not holding my breath waiting for an apology. None is really needed, because I see this attack for what it is - jealousy. I'm leading this race and he's stuck back in the pack with crazy old Ron Paul."
Paul immediately responded to Romney's characterization of him as 'old', but as of press time no news outlet had reported on what it was he had to say. Probably something crazy.
"The good news is that Barack Obama is on his way to becoming a one term president," Michele Bachman told a crowd in Iowa, where she has conducted the bulk of her campaign. "Still, I believe that Governor Perry is being overly-optimistic. The people of this great state have already chosen me, and if the rest of the nation decides to send me to Washington in today's election, I promise to be quite magnanimous about it. What? This was only a hypothetical match-up? Whew, that's good news - I should have plenty of time to catch up."
"Happy days, America," tweeted Sarah Palin. "Looks like I don't need to make my mind up before November."
Open Thread: The Onion Reviews 'Independence Day: Resurgence' - The Onion. What are *your* plans for Independence Day Weekend? Open thread below....
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