Wednesday, November 25, 2009

The Good News

Hello friends, I'm Michael Steele, and I'm here to ask you a question - have you heard about the good news?
If you're talking about the gospel of our Lord Jesus Christ, then yes, Michael, I've heard it loud and clear.
As have all who hath ears to hear, John. But today I'm talking of the good news about the Republican Party.
In my opinion, Michael, as of late it's been nothing but good news for the Republican Party.
Very true, John. Perhaps I should have called this the great news about the Republican Party. Just in time for the holiday season, I'm pleased to announce the launch our on-line GOP Store!
Sorry to interrupt, Michael, but didn't you mean to say 'just in time for the Christmas season'?
Well, to be fair, John, there are a couple of other holidays in there, Thanksgiving, New Years, and all the Jewish ones. Go ahead, Michael, what makes this announcement so exciting?
It's because the GOP Store features hard to find Republican merchandise in one easy to find location! From pencil holders to bumper stickers, you can find everything to bring cheer this holiday to your favorite Republican friends and family members.
Take, for example, this lovely 4-piece GOP coaster set. Real brass with moisture proof silicone ring inserts for the low price of only $85.00
You know, that would be just the thing for my daughter Meghan this year. Truth be told, she's kind of outgrown the stuffed animals I always give her.
Oh, my girls Lindsay and Tricia still love the stuffed animals. Do you have anything at the GOP Store for them, Michael?
Let me introduce Peppermint, the latest addition to our fine collection of plush elephant collectibles. Dressed in festive holiday colors and standing five inches tall, Peppermint is a bargain at only $35.00.
That's so cute I hardly know what to say... Except for, I'm ordering today!
I suppose that stuffed pachyderms are okay for the kids, but you haven't shown me anything that I'd want to display in my rec room.
Oh yeah, John, well it just so happens that I've been in your rec room, and like most guys I know, you give prominent exposure to that great American masterpiece 'Dogs Playing Poker'.
Well, of course he does. Every guy I know has that on their wall, except for maybe Barney Frank. What do you have for us, Michael, 'Elephant's Playing Poker'?
Something much better than that, Michael... I'm talking about the latest masterwork from artist Andy Thomas, 'Memorable Republican Presidents Playing Poker'.

That's... beautiful.

I should be in that picture instead of that smirking frat boy.
I remember all of those presidents... Ike, Teddy, Tricky Dicky, the one who died a couple of years ago, Honest Abe, Poppy Bush, Ronnie, and that smirking frat boy. How much is it, Michael?
That's the best part. This is actually a 500 piece jigsaw puzzle, so you can have hours of fun assembling it before you hang it on the wall. And it's only $15.00!
$15.00! Unbelievable! And I could just take the piece with the frat boy's head out and paste my own face in there!
Take it from the Johns, folks, and come on over to the GOP Store where we promise to make this the reddest holiday season ever!

Reddest Christmas season, Michael.


  1. I'd order the puzzle if they hadn't left out Chester A. Arthur, my favorite Republican President.

  2. $15.00!?! That's just crazy!
    You know those puzzles can only come from the world's greatest industrial power— no, not China, you communist bastards, the United States!

    As long as reality has no real bearing on the Republican Party of today, there's no reason not to pretend we're still number ONE in everything.

    Let the War of, on, in, for, next to, around, and up the ass of Christmas, begin!