Tuesday, December 29, 2009

waiting for the gaping maw

"It took the President seventy-two hours to address the country following the most terrible albeit unsuccessful terrorist attack in the eight years since Dick Cheney first made us safe," fumed New York congressman Peter King, ranking GOP member of the Homeland Security Committee. "Seventy-two hours for him to face the nation. I myself was on 'Face the Nation' on Sunday, and I'm not even president. It's just unspeakable. Unfortunately, so is Vice President Cheney. It's been over ninety-six hours, and he still hasn't expounded on our imminent threat. Oh where oh where can that Dick be?"

"When he does speak, there will be trembling throughout the land," King declares. "That much I can absolutely guarantee... I guess pretty much guarantee would be more accurate. I'm relatively sure that within the Democrat Party, there will be weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth. Not in public, mind you, so the media probably won't report it. Curse words will be uttered. Reflexive defensiveness will kick in. All this and more, assuming Cheney hurries up and makes it so."

"Unlike President Obama, the former Vice President is not on a Hawaiian vacation," says Cheney spokesman Liz Cheney. "But it is kind of an awkward time of year. With Rush and Hannity and Beck all on vacation, who is supposed to ask daddy what he thinks? Who's going to endlessly repeat his talking points and drive them home to the American people? You can't just expect him to go on the Neal Boortz Show or something."

"This is a tragedy of epic proportions," said alarmed Michigan congressman Hoekstra (the other white Pete). "Without our party spokesmen, we are left without a voice. Well, maybe a small whiney voice, but nothing to write home about."

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