ABS

In a strong reversal of course, most House members are now strongly supportive of the use of the technological miracle known as the Airport Body Scan, or ABS for short (cause abs show up really well). Earlier this year, Utah Republican Jason Chaffetz successfully inserted an amendment into the House version of the Homeland Security authorization bill which prohibited the use of the futuristic technique from being used as a primary screening tool. A coalition of conservative libertarians and modest liberals helped pass the amendment by an impressive 310 to 118. "I fly on airplanes every three, four days," explained Chaffetz, who is a member of the Later Day Saints, "and I didn't want anybody looking at my secret Mormon underwear. That's a legitimate concern, a Church and State issue." Chaffetz now finds himself in a dwindling minority of House members to speak up for the primacy of his undies in the aftermath of the most audacious attack ever launched against America by a man wearing exploding underpants. "Go ahead and scan me," challenged Michigan congresswoman Michelle Bachman. "I've got nothing to hide, and neither should anybody else in the House, unless they care more about their Fruit of the Looms than they care about national security." "I'm with you all the way, Michelle," chimed in House Speaker Nancy Pelosi. "If body scans will prevent another attempt on American lives by a terrorist who wants to detonate his drawers, I'll show my Hanes every day of the week." "It's a difficult balance between protecting our civil liberties and protecting the safety of people on airplanes," protested Chaffetz. "But, I believe there's technology out there that can identify bomb-type materials without necessarily overly invading our privacy." "Jason is right," added Pennsylvania's Joe Sestak. "There's some much cheaper technology that can solve this problem. Come on everybody, let's pants the sucker."