Saturday, May 15, 2010

Grasping at straws

As Carol Burnett memorably said, "comedy is tragedy plus time," so there is no doubt that the day will come when British Petroleum's Gulf debacle will translate into pure comedy gold. John Oliver would be perfect as hapless CEO Tony Hayward, fretting over his job security while sheepishly admitting that BP may have made some minor mistakes. But not to worry, even about the possible tarnishing of the corporate reputation. According to Hayward, British Petroleum (much like Goldman Sachs) will "emerge stronger" from the crisis.

"For sure we will fix it, it's simply a matter of time," says Captain Optimism. "Clearly, the sooner the better. But we will fix it, that's certain. We will be judged and I will be judged personally and by the quality of the response. It's inevitable."

Oh yes, fix it they shall, and if they shan't, well there's got to be a finite amount of oil down that hole, doesn't there? Seriously, somebody give me a grant to commence working on a screenplay, there are scenes that are screaming out to be birthed on film - the enormous metal 'hat' followed by the tiny metal hat, the golf ball and old tire scenario, and now, the giant straw.

Anyone who has seen 'There Will Be Blood' will be intimately familiar with the milkshake drinking prowess of the giant straw, so who can doubt that inserting a six inch diameter, mile long tube into a 21 inch diameter gushing pipe will drink that oil, literally drink it up? I guess I do, although people tell me that I'm cynical. But here's hoping for the best. And, here's hoping that when the movie is made, the protagonist treats Hayward with the simple grace that Daniel Day Lewis showed Paul Dano.


  1. One thing is for certain. they suck.

  2. Heh.

    A giant Sarah Palin bendy straw.

    I raise my my coffee cup (a supersized Vaseline jar with a handle) to you, mon ami.