Thursday, January 21, 2010

CORPORATE OVERLORDS VICTORIOUS!

In what can only be described as rockin' good news for our corporate overlords, the Supreme Court today ruled that henceforth from this day on there will no longer be Kremlin-like restrictions on the amount of money corporations may spend for the election or defeat of a political candidate. The decision finally puts to an end years of brutal repression of America's most important citizens, at long last restoring free speech to those who truly have only their own best interests at heart.

"So many of our citizens seem to have forgotten that corporations are people, too," Chief Justice Roberts said when announcing the 5-4 decision. "And as people they have certain inalienable rights, such as life, liberty, and the pursuit of political power. Because what is economic power without political power? An empty shell, that's all, hardly what five of us on the court would call freedom. All over the world it's so easy to see, people everywhere just want to be free."

"Listen people, listen, that's the way it should be," added Clarence Thomas. "Peace in the valley, people got to be free."

"Well, this cheers me up a little," said Exxon Mobil CEO Rex Tillison. "We've been under the yoke of The Man for so many years that I don't even know how we'll react to this new found freedom... Nah, just kidding, guess we'll go buy ourselves some new politicians."

"This is such a relief," sighed UnitedHealth Group CEO Stephen Hemsley. "For so many years now we've had to steal elections rather buy them, and even though it's been born of necessity, it just make us feel kind of dirty. Gosh, I've got to tell you, I'm so exhilarated that I wish there was an election right away."

"They're closer than you think," chuckled Goldman Sachs CEO Lloy Blankfein. "You want to talk about relief? Just this morning Obama announced that he's planning new restrictions on our bread and butter - our valuable high risk investments. What a nightmare. For him, that is. Because now we're free to buy us a whole new Congress that will support whatever we pay them to support. It's like I can at last breath again."

"I feel like such a fool," said a glum Carly Fiorina, former CEO of Hewlett-Packard. "Here I stand, having made the utterly stupid mistake of deciding to run for the Senate against Barbara Boxer. If I had just kept the faith and stayed at Hewlett-Packard a little longer, I could have bought Barbara Boxer instead of competing against her. Oh well, at least I'm glad that the political process is once again out of the hands of the people and back with the corporations where it belongs."




Corporations are people too!


Johnny Roberts & the Fortune 500 - 'People Got To Be Free'

10 comments:

  1. I rejoice and submit freely. Let the free market reign, they have our best interests at heart. What can we little pissants know about the complicated innerworkings of our system? Tote that barge! Lift that bale!

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  2. Freedom's just another word for fuck me in the butt...

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  3. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  4. So many of our citizens seem to have forgotten that corporations are people, too

    Power to the Corporate-Peoples!


    And giving millions to political campaigns is a form of free speech, accordin' to SCOTUS homies. So you restrict contributions by corporate brothrrs , you be Oppressin' peoples. Ahhyeahh.

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  5. Like those Commies Thomas Jefferson, John Adams and James Madison, not to mention his Marxianess George Washington?

    Thanks, Mark. Love that Rascally music.

    S

    Kremlin-like restrictions on the amount of money corporations may spend for the election or defeat of a political candidate.
    ________________

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  6. Nothing but a bit of bad news and Mark Hoback soars once again into the snarkosphere.

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  7. Ahhh; J had the money quote:
    So many of our citizens seem to have forgotten that corporations are people, too.

    I can only add, they've also forgotten the corp-ulents have all the money, too.

    Superb, Mark.

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  8. Thanks guys. This really is serious business. You might want to take a minute to sign the Alan Grayson petition..

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  10. Guy
    You have got to see this. Obama playing on XBox. Funniest video ever. http://bit.ly/bllhx1

    ReplyDelete