Thursday, January 21, 2010

Frances Quinn denies paternity

Two year old Frances Quinn Hunter reacted with shock and disgust this morning after former haircut John Edwards released a statement saying that he was indeed her father.

"Not my dada! Not my dada!" Frances Quinn squealed, before breaking down into inconsolable tears.

Edwards, now separated from his terminally ill wife Elizabeth as well as most of the rest of humanity, saying that his heart was filled with remorse and sorrow and shame and enough negative karma to power a steamboat to hell, had a highly paid aide write up a heartfelt statement and send it to NBC's 'Today' show. "It was wrong for me ever to deny she was my daughter," the note read, "and hopefully one day, when she understands, she will forgive me."

"Not bloody likely," said commentator Lisa Myers. "What do you think, Frances Quinn."

"Want drink," replied Frances Quinn, downing a large tumbler of juice and burping. "More."

Like most people who seek redemption on national television, Edwards asked for people to respect his privacy, before concluding with "To all those I have disappointed and hurt, these words will never be enough, but I am truly sorry."

"Bad man. Bad man," responded Frances Quinn, shaking her head. "Not my dada!"

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