Frances Quinn denies paternity

Two year old Frances Quinn Hunter reacted with shock and disgust this morning after former haircut John Edwards released a statement saying that he was indeed her father. "Not my dada! Not my dada!" Frances Quinn squealed, before breaking down into inconsolable tears. Edwards, now separated from his terminally ill wife Elizabeth as well as most of the rest of humanity, saying that his heart was filled with remorse and sorrow and shame and enough negative karma to power a steamboat to hell, had a highly paid aide write up a heartfelt statement and send it to NBC's 'Today' show. "It was wrong for me ever to deny she was my daughter," the note read, "and hopefully one day, when she understands, she will forgive me." "Not bloody likely," said commentator Lisa Myers. "What do you think, Frances Quinn." "Want drink," replied Frances Quinn, downing a large tumbler of juice and burping. "More." Like most people who seek redemption on national television, Edwards asked for people to respect his privacy, before concluding with "To all those I have disappointed and hurt, these words will never be enough, but I am truly sorry." "Bad man. Bad man," responded Frances Quinn, shaking her head. "Not my dada!"

Personal Best

A new survey by Public Policy Polling finds that John Edwards has reached new heights in popularity, with only 15% of North Carolina residents having a favorable opinion of him. Back in May of 2009, Edwards set a record as the most unpopular person ever researched by Public Policy, but the latest poll shave another four points off of his own achievement. "This is a remarkable accomplishment," said Dean Debnam of Public Policy, one that's unlikely to be duplicated anytime soon. "You know the old joke about being less popular than Hitler in London during the Blitz? I'm afraid we've entered that territory. Even Dick Cheney looks down on this guy." "On reflection, I guess it was a real waste of money for me to commission this poll," sighed Edwards. "I was thinking about getting back in the game, maybe moving across the state line and running for governor in South Carolina or something, but I've got to admit that these numbers look pretty bad. The only positive spin I can put on the whole thing is that my insufferable wife Saint Elizabeth has taken a big hit in the poll too, so I won't have to hear all the inane prattling about how much sympathy and support she has for much longer. Heh, heh, you can quote me on that - I'm aiming for 12% popularity by December. I might as well excel at something."