Blackwater charges dismissed

DC Federal Judge Ricardo Urbina has thrown out all charges against the five Blackwater mercenaries accused of running amuck in the streets of Iraq in 2007. The men shot and killed seventeen civilians, and wounded twenty-seven others. In their defense, they claimed that someone had shouted disparaging words at them. "Disparaging words were used, and dirty looks were given," said Judge Urbina, "but that is not the reason this case is being dismissed. The plain and simple fact is that Blackwater no longer exists, and ipso facto, there are no longer any Blackwater mercenaries. It's crazy, I tell ya, but rest assured that if this case had reached me before Blackwater changed their name to Xe Services, I would have thrown the book at these bad boys." Many Iraqis were unpleasantly surprised by the decision, particularly those who are still among the living. "I'm miffed," said Sami Hawas, a paralyzed former taxi driver who was shot in the back during the incident. "Very aggravated. My understanding of corporate law is limited, however, and I suppose that if these men were released on a technicality, that's just the way it goes. Still, it doesn't seem quite fair." "Of course people are not going to like it because they believe these individuals conducted some violence and should be punished for it,” said General Ray Odierno, the American commander in Iraq. “But the bottom line is, using the rule of law, the evidence obviously was not there, or was collected illegally, or the company changed their name, or whatever. It's always something. But it’s a lesson in the rule of law." Ali Khalaf, who is a policeman that was on duty during the incident, also describes himself as somewhat displeased by the ruling. "What can we say?" he asks. "They killed people. They probably gave a bribe to get released. This is their own American court system. I ask you, if this had happened to Americans, what would be the result?" "Let me reply to Mr Khalaf," responded Nevada inmate O. J. Simpson. "First off, you don't try to bribe a Federal judge - that's against the law. But if this had happened in America, the friends and relatives would have simply picked themselves up, dusted themselves off, and filed a nonsensical civil law suit in order to try and take all of the poor fool's hard-earned assets. That's what they would do in America."