Tuesday, June 8, 2010

just rewards

"Excuse me, Miss, you're not supposed to come into this office unannounced. Can I help you?"

"No, but I believe I can help you... And I'm unannounced because I'm supposed to be a surprise."

"I'm kind of weary of surprises lately, so if you would just..."

"Look. I've got a pass."

"And so you do. BP, All Access. What the devil is this all about, Miss, uh..."

"Buttocks. Regina Buttocks, but you can call me Gina, Mister President. All my friends do."

"Well, since we're not friends, I'll just call you Miss Buttocks. That... That's not your real name, is it?"

"That's what it says on my pass, and that's what it says on my passport. I'm sure you've heard of my father, Lord Reginald Buttocks of Manchester, as well as my uncle Percival Buttocks from Lloyds of London."

"No, I'm afraid I'm unfamiliar with the entire Buttocks dynasty."

"That's perfectly okay, Mister President. Anyway, I'm here at the behest of Tony Hayward, who I must confess is quite eager to remain in your good graces. He asked me to pay you a visit as a sort of peace offering."

"I'm afraid I don't follow."

"Mister Hayward heard that you were eager to kick someone's ass, and he thought that you might get pleasure out of kicking mine. I am a junior Vice President at British Petroleum, after all. Plus there's the additional irony factor of kicking a Buttocks."

"That irony is not lost on me, Regina, and I might add to it by noting that you don't really have a lot of booty to kick."

"That's true... Maybe you'd prefer to spank me instead."

"I don't even spank my own daughters."

"Forgive me for pointing out that this is quite a bit different. Go ahead, you'll enjoy it."

"There are many things in life that I might enjoy, but I'm trying my best to maintain the dignity of the office."

"Mister Hayward always says that dignity is best maintained through discipline. So go ahead, I deserve it. I've been such a bad girl... Well, no I haven't, not technically, but as an authorized embodiment of the tragic missteps made by my employer, I am ripe for punishment."

"Look, I appreciate the gesture, but I'm afraid that I'm going to have to decline. Hey, don't start crying, you followed your assignment honorably and... Come on, it's nothing personal. Look, if I gave you a tongue lash... If I gave you a verbal ass kicking, would that help?"

"It might..."

"Okay... You are essentially correct in your assertion that you have been a bad girl."

"A very bad girl."

"A very bad girl. You've put the entire ecosystem of one of the most vital parts of America in severe danger from which it may not recover for a generation."

"Those poor pelicans..."

"Those poor pelicans, indeed, not to mention the dolphins and every other living creature in the Gulf. And you've destroyed the livelihoods of thousands who make their living from the Gulf..."

"Oh no..."

"...harvesting the bounty of shrimp, oysters and other delicious seafood that feeds American families."

"The little shrimpies... Waaaahh..."

"You blatantly lied about your technical capabilities and then when disaster struck, you lied about it's extent. You've caused the worst ecological disaster in American history."

"I did, I did, wuh huh huh huh..."

"And you took Tony Hayward's life away from him."

"Waaaaaaaahh, bluh bluh bluh waaaaaahh..."

"Okay. That's all I've got to say."

"That's it? Very good, then. Do you feel at all better now, Mister President?"

"Oddly enough, Regina, I feel reinvigorated."

"Excellent. I suppose my work here is done, in that case. I'll be on my way now."

"Thank you, Regina, and give my regards to Mister Hayward."


  1. It's time for Revolutionary War II, don't you think?

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