Monday, June 7, 2010

Press Corps bids farewell to Thomas

"...and this is very confidential, but the upshot was, the president got quite angry. You could see his jaw clench up, and his voice took on that icy tone. You could almost see the fire in his eyes. So you had combination of fire and ice, all mixed together, and he said that he would 'ride herd' on BP, and it didn't sound like he was kidding. And one more thing you need to know, although you must not print this, he lost his temper to the point that he called Tony Hayward a 'damn a-hole', but he didn't say a-hole, he said the word itself. So when you hear people say that President Obama doesn't show enough passion, they don't know what they're talking about. Remember, don't print a word of this. Now lets open this up for questions. Jennifer Loven?"

"Yes, Robert, I notice that there is a certain seat missing in the room, and I'm wondering what happened to it..."

"I'm guessing that you're referring to the Helen Thomas chair?"

"That's correct. I showed up early today hoping to sit on it."

"Well, Jennifer, as you might imagine, there is just no replacing Helen Thomas' chair, so we're retiring it. It had a powerful stench after all these years, but the good news is that it will be the centerpiece for the White House barbeque grill, where you are all invited after the briefing to join us in grilling up some gourmet hot dogs. Ed Henry?"

"You're telling me that you're actually using Helen Thomas' chair to grill hot dogs? That's unbelievable... Will there be hamburgers as well?"

"I'm afraid I don't have that information, Ed, but I've been assured that there will be a wide array of condiments and cold beverages. Richard Wolfe?"

"As you know, Bob, Helen Thomas was considered Dean of the White House Press Corp for at least three decades. How is the new Dean going to be selected, and do we get a vote?"

"Let me just answer that by saying that the president has a lot on his plate right now, not the least of which - according to my watch - is a gourmet hot dog. So lets try and wrap this thing up rather quickly so we can join him. Uh, Chuck Todd."

"More of a statement than a question, Robert. Many things have changed during the tenure of Helen Thomas, not the least of which is the diminishing importance of print journalism, so I think that it would be only fair that the next Dean comes from the world of broadcast journalism, and I would suggest that NBC be given the same kind of special consideration that we've shown to the Obama administration."

"Special consideration? You guys have been so far up the president's ass that you should be wearing night goggles. The Dean needs to be someone fair and balanced. Like me."

"Major Garrett, try to control your outbursts. FOX will be able to lobby for the position just like everyone else. Okay, I'm hungry, so one last question. Mike Allen?"

"Yes, Bob. As you know, Helen Thomas began the tradition of ending all press conferences with her signature line of 'Thank you, Mister President'. Do you think it would be okay if I stole her catchphrase?"


  1. "...Do you think it would be okay if I stole her catchphrase?"

    The perfect ending! I was wondering how you were going to pull that off!

    Freakin' show-off...



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