Wednesday, January 26, 2011

dispatch from the dangerous kitchen

It was revealed today that Dennis Kucinich was yet another victim of the notorious Longworth House Office Building cafeteria, a congressional eatery shunned by most House members for it's reckless disregard of culinary safety. Over the years, numerous lawmakers have been subjected to food poisoning, choking on improperly deboned fish, heartburn, and diarrhea, as well as burgers that were severely overcooked. The cafeteria was temporarily closed in 1994, when a human finger was discovered in their vegetarian chili.
According to a complaint filed with the DC Superior Court, Kucinich suffered 'serious and permanent dental and oral injuries' after biting into a 'tainted' sandwich wrap that was 'unwholesome and unfit for human consumption, in that it was represented to contain pitted olives, yet unknown to plaintiff contained an unpitted olive'. Kucinich is suing the Longworth for $150,000 to cover 'pain, suffering and loss of enjoyment'.

"I clearly remember the day he ate that sandwich," says Rep. Anthony Weiner. "There was a howl from the back of the cafeteria, but when people saw that it was Dennis, they didn't pay too much attention. Once it kept on for a while, though, I thought someone should check on him, so I went over to see what the matter was. 'I've got a pit in my sandwich', he moaned, so I told him to keep quiet about it or everybody would want one. I guess my humor was totally lost on him, because he kept on chewing with tears rolling down his cheeks. I asked him later why he didn't just spit it out and he told me that would have been undignified. Yeah, well so is howling like a banshee in the House cafeteria."

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