if not now, then when?

just stumbled upon this piece from 2008 that I never posted...

Mister Touchy

We now join the Rachael Ray Show, already in progress   ...and even if you've never done it before, it really is that easy to peel a banana. I know that a lot of you out there have always used the pre-peeled ones, but once you try one of these beauties straight out of the shell, you're going to become a convert.

I know that since you first introduced me to them, I can't get enough of them. I feel like snatching that one out of your hand even before you finish making your dessert, Rachael.

Down boy! Let's just get this over to our baking pan and brush it with butter... Seriously folks, if you've never been to a Rob Zombie show, sometimes he'll throw bananas right out into the audience!

Yeah, during 'Feed the Gods'. It's meant to be ironic as well as delicious.

And it is! Okay, now we're going to sprinkle a little brown sugar on, douse these babies with lemon juice, and roll them in coconut. Then we pop em in the oven, and in about fifteen minutes, we'll have fresh home-made Coconanners. While they're cooking, Rob, why don't you introduce our next guest?

Guess I need to find something to do while the Coconanners are cooking. Rachael's next guest is somebody who should need no introduction, since he's been around running for president since Justin Bieber was in grade school. Please welcome Mitt Romney.

Whoa! I thought for about half a second that I had just walked onto the stage of 'Midnight Special'.

Midnight Special?

You know, Rob. It was this concert show that used to be on TV back when we were kids... Okay, Governor Romney, welcome to the show. I've got to say, I was really surprised that you wanted to be on.

It's really not all that mysterious, Rachael. My handlers say I'm not doing enough television interviews, so I asked them to book me on a few of the non-confrontational shows like yours. I get really sick of having to deal with all the 'gotcha' questions every time I make an appearance, so this week I'm doing your show, 'Donna Decorates Dallas' on HGTV, and 'Pardon the Interruption' on ESPN... Uh, Mister Zombie, do you mind taking your sunglasses off while I'm here? I like to be able to see someone's eyes when I'm talking.

So you can tell if they're rolling them? You might want to pass on 'Pardon the Interruption', dude, those guys can get pretty confrontational. You're probably best off sticking with FOX News.

I'm sure that may be what the politically naive might think, but I went on 'Special Report with Bret Baier last night and they were gunning for me. One gotcha question after another.

Uh huh.

And my name is not 'dude', by the way. You may call me Governor Romney. So, Rachael, what do you have cooking today?

Coconanners! I saw a picture of you eating one at the Iowa State Fair, and thought it would be fun to treat you to a surprise.

No, I have to correct you on that. If it was phallic shaped and at the Iowa State Fair, I'm pretty sure that it must have been a corndog.

We could have made corndogs...

If I were to be totally honest, I would admit that I find corndogs rather unappetizing, so I guess I'll just take my chance with a coconanner. Never let it be said that Mitt Romney isn't game for a new experience.

I think you'll love them! They've got lemon and coconut and they're baked to...

Oh no, no. Coconut? I think I'll just pass on the coconanner. I really can't tolerate coconut.

Kinda makes a coconanner a moot point, doesn't it? What would you do if you were in China and President Jintao offered you one?

First of all, I wouldn't be in China unless they were to cease and desist manipulating their currency. Secondly, if such a situation were to occur I would simply say no thank you. There would be no apologies, either. And third, that is a gotcha question, and I warned the producer about that.

I'm so sorry, Governor Romney. But let me get back to what you said a moment ago about China. Don't all countries manipulate their currencies to some degree? Don't we?

Did you not just hear what I said about gotcha questions? One more and I'll be forced to take my leave. I thought this was supposed to be a cooking show, so why not ask me something related to that, like whether or not I like plain bananas? The answer is yes I do, very much. And I'd be glad to join you in your little snack if I can get a plain banana.

Oh gosh, Governor, I'm afraid we used them all up. But I tell you what - I made this yummy chocolate-raspberry mousse earlier today. Would you like to try some of that?

That's it. I'm out of here.

one day at the fair...

"Next in line... Hello, little girl. What can I do for you?"   "You can get this creepy man to take his hands off me."   "Hey mister, leave the kid alone. Anything else, little girl?"   "Yes, I want a pork chop on a stick."   "Uh huh, and I want a Swedish massage. You got six dollars?"   "I'm not going to pay to give you a massage."   "You got a smart mouth on you, kid. Next in line... Hey, buddy, what were you doing touchin' that smart-mouth kid? You a pervert or somethin'?"   "No, no, I was feeling woozy and just grabbed her for support... I was just across the way, viewing the butter cow, and then one of the locals bet me I couldn't eat fried butter on a stick... and the next thing I knew my heart was racing..."   "One of the locals, huh? That's a funny way to talk. You one of those presidential candidates or somethin'?"   "Indeed I am. I'm Jon Huntsman, former governor of Utah, and I'm running for the Republican presidential nomination."   "You got a smart mouth on you, mister. Ain't nobody by the name of Huntsman runnin' for president. Next in line."   "No, really I am. See that boom mike over my head?"   "That is a tad suspicious... If you runnin' for president, how come I ain't seen you before?"   "Well, that's because I haven't been in Iowa before. As a matter of fact I'm only here now for the debate tonight, and I thought, guess I might as well go see the butter cow."   "She's a real beauty, ain't she? Might be the best butter cow we ever had at the fair."   "Definitely the best I've ever seen... I really need something to get rid of this fried butter taste. What do you have to eat?"   "You got a real smart mouth on you, don't you? We got pork chops. On sticks."   "I guess... let me have a pork chop on a stick."   "I ain't gonna let you have one, but I'll sell you one for six bucks. You got six dollars?"   "Sure, sure, here you go."   "All righty, then. Let me see if I can fix you up... Reckon I'll be seein' a lot of you, now that you decided to run for president."   "No, not really. I don't plan on campaigning in Iowa."   "Don't plan on campignin' in Iowa? That's crazy talk. If everybody thought like you, I'd never get a free breakfast. You don't like Iowa or somethin'?"   "It seems to be a very nice state, but I don't support ethanol subsidies, so I figure it would be a wasted effort."   "You don't support ethanol subsidies? I reckon you must be one of those big government liberals who think you got a right to interfere with our livelihoods by comin' in here and takin' away our ethanol subsidies. You got a real smart mouth on you, buddy, real smart. Here's your six dollars. Next in line."   "Wait, I really need something to eat."   "You might be able to get Gladys in the next booth down to sell you a fried Twinkie if you can learn to keep your mouth shut."

corn

Aside from it's purpose as a useful prop which allows politicians to happily chow down with the common people while still retaining a pointing device, corn has always proved quite useful over the years as a communication device.   A true leader understands the importance of an ear of corn on all of it's symbolic levels. Observe, for example, President Obama standing in a cornfield, telling the people of Wichita that despite the fact that the economy has gone to hell and that many of them will likely never work again, they still can share in the rich bounty of corn, one of the true bargains of the vegetable kingdom. Corn is our heritage, he can tell them, immediately after which the Republicans will respond that their heritage is not corn but cauliflower and this whole obsession with corn seems suspiciously European.    One of the classic recent examples of the communicative value of corn took place in the early days of the George W Bush administration. Vladimir Putin was making a state visit, and being distrustful of Russia Bush chose to host him at a barbeque on his ranch rather than a more formal location. In a moment of bravado, Bush challenged Putin to a two mile bike race before eating, a challenge which the Russian handily won. Outraged by the loss, Bush grabbed one of the large roasting ears, and holding it threateningly, told Putin "I'm going to cut you, you son of a bitch". Unfazed, Putin grabbed an even larger ear of corn, stuck it between his legs, and shouted "Blow me, asshole". The two men laughed and laughed, and that day a lasting friendship was born.     Another common communicative value of corn is to convey a sense of menace. One cannot see the picture above without asking oneself 'Just what the hell is Kim Jong il doing with an ear of corn in what appears to be the North Korean stock exchange? What fiend gave it to him and what sort of unholy alliance does the gift represent? Is it really an ear of corn or is it a solid gold bauble with which he can amuse himself while his nation starves? Another possibility arises: whereas Bush handled an ear of corn as a primitive but effective weapon, Jong might look at the same ear and ludicrously ask himself 'Could this be the key to unfathomable nuclear destruction?' And then he would lock fifty scientists into a room until they made it so.   While this look at this highly versatile foodstuff has been far from exhaustive, before we leave for happy hour it is important to note one last vital message it may send - it's undisputable power to convey empathy. Observe Mitt Romney tenderly holding an ear of Iowa's finest. He appears not only bemused by the corn but deeply in touch with it, as though to say "This vegetable and I are much alike. I am one with this vegetable, and if you feel the same, I hope that you can open up your heart to me as well."

Herman Cain can deliver the goods

After being bold enough to declare his candidacy with a rather bizarre reinterpretation of MLK's 'free at last' speech - which now apparently means being "Free from legislation that's being forced down the throat of the American people like Obamacare" as well as freedom from a stagnant economy - businessman Herman Cain took another huge step in his fight for the GOP nomination by appearing on the indispensable FOX News Sunday with Chris Wallace.   "I had the courage to announce on a day when the earth very well could have ended," Cain told Wallace, after arriving on the set with a twinkle in his eye and a large Italian sausage and mushroom pizza. "Of course it didn't, which I had already boldly predicted. It might have ended for Mitch Daniels, but it's only beginning for me. Go on brother, have a slice of this pie before it goes and gets cold on us."   Wallace asked if Cain had brought the pie in order to remind the American people of how as CEO of Godfather's he had returned the chain to prosperity through his program of hard work, innovation, and fiscal austerity.   "Does it make you think of that, Chris?" Cain replied. "If so, that's a good thing, because that's the way we can get this country back on track. But take a closer look. This isn't an Italian sausage and mushroom pizza, this is a metaphor pizza. This pizza says Herman Cain can deliver the goods. And check out how those good are still piping hot."   "And delicious," agreed Wallace, wiping a strand of 100% real mozzarella from his chin. "But I want to ask you an important question about your political action committee. Our extensive FOX News research has turned up the fact that your Hermanator PAC only has a balance of thirteen dollars. That's scarcely enough money to buy one of your delectable pizzas."   "That's because FOX News has a pretty jive research department," Cain responded, holding a slice threateningly. "I know it's not your fault, but if they had done their homework, you'd be aware of the fact that I shut down the Hermanator PAC in January. I've got a new one named the Friends of Herman Cain which will file with the FEC July 15th."   "You're right, that is some pretty jive research," Wallace admitted, watching sadly as Cain returned the remaining pizza to the box. "Please, you don't have to go yet. If you'll let me have another slice, we can go on for another segment."   "You drive a hard bargain, Chris, but like I said, Herman Cain delivers the goods. Here you go. Tasty, isn't it? They double up on the toppings when they know it's for me. You want any parmesan with that?"   "Please. And please tell me, if you would, how much money do you have in the Friends of Herman Cain PAC?"   "I could, but I won't, Chris, because I don't want my competition to know. But I can tell you, we are not broke. Far from it. We could afford to buy pizza for everybody here at FOX News, including Glenn Beck."   "That guy can eat a lot of pizza."   "I'll bet he can, Chris, I'll bet he can. He'd probably want some sort of wild toppings like anchovies and avocado, but I'm never going to find out. He's a little too crazy for me."   "Tell me about it. That's why FOX News is canning his ass. So you're saying that at this point, the Herman Campaign is financially sound, is that correct?"   "Yes, but we could always use more, Chris. I've been doing a little research, and I've found that it's not illegal to offer voters refreshments as long as you remain at least fifty feet away from the polling place. I'm looking at the possibility of setting up free hot pizza stands outside of the primary polls, with my picture and my slogan, 'Herman Cain can deliver the goods'. That's going to take a lot of money."   "Well, it's a worthy cause. Could I have just one more... Ah, thank you. And one more question before you go..."   "Go ahead, Chris."   "Can you come back again next Sunday?"

Baconalia!

America's canines barked raucously in a cacophony of jubilation today as world-renowned fine dining chain Denny's announced their latest culinary celebration - Baconalia™.   Their new special menu, which sent all breakfast loving patriots into a spasm of joyous hosannas, features such delectable treats as bacon flapjacks, where bacon is embedded in every delicious bite, the Ultimate Bacon Breakfast™ (no explanation needed), their patented BBBL&T Sandwich™, with 8 strips of bacon (served on a bed of fries on a potato bun and only a mattering of that vegetable crap), and for dessert - a must for any serious bacon lover - their reportedly scrumptious Maple Bacon Sunday™ (redundantly monikered creamy vanilla ice cream, topped with bacon, doused with maple syrup, more ice cream, more syrup, and the piece de resistance, more bacon).   "In a way, this is a political statement on our part," said Denny's CEO Denny Hamlin. "Obama's nanny state mentality with his constant harping on healthy eating is a real threat to our business. Baconalia™ should change all that. Seriously, if bacon wasn't good for you, do you really think I could be a NASCAR champion in my spare time? I think when our new ads featuring Newt Gingrich hit the air,  it's going to really drive that point home."   "Oh yes, I really do love bacon," agrees Gingrich, polishing off his second Maple Bacon Sunday™. "As a true American, I love my wife Callista, but I guess I love bacon even more. But you know who doesn't? Aside from Barack Obama, that is. Muslims. And I'm proud to know that from now on I should be able to enjoy a hearty breakfast without sharing the space with any of those people. But if there are, they'll be the ones sitting there with just eggs on their plate."

cake

"Innocent Ogbuta, just what the hell is this supposed to be?"   "It's your wedding cake, Chidi, the one you said would make your dreams come true."   "It's making my nightmares come true, you incompetent son of a bitch. I told you clearly that I wanted a life-size cake made in my resemblance as I would look on my wedding day."   "I know. Isn't it marvelous?"   "It most assuredly is not. That cake doesn't look a thing like me."   "It, uh... I think it comes pretty close. For a cake."   "That cake makes me look fat."   "Maybe a little. But in my defense, it took five weeks to make, and, you know, you have been on that crash diet, and uh, I guess it is a little thick around the middle..."   "Fat! Is that what you think about me? And take a look at my dress. No, not the cake, my dress. Uh huh, uh huh, you see the problem? No? You tell me, genius, does my dress have friggin layers?"   "No, it doesn't, but... I guess they do that so that the cake doesn't topple over."   "The gloves go right up to the armpits! Oh, you idiot! Nobody's going to want to eat me now."   "Well, uh, all the more for me."   "You think that's funny? You think that's funny?"   "No. I guess not... I'm sorry, Chidi. I'm sorry I screwed up your dream cake, but..."   "Everybody is staring at it!"   "Sorry. I'm sorry, but can't we just get on with the ceremony?"   "I suppose so, but you better make this up to me on our honeymoon or there's going to be hell to pay."

lunch

earlier...

As I'm sure you all know, Speaker Boehner and I just returned from the White House a short while ago, where we met with the president for lunch and discussed the need to cut spending, so I wanted to meet with the rest of the caucus to give you an update on our talks. It was a good meeting, wasn't it Boss?

Quite constructive, Eric, particularly Joe Biden's Nancy Pelosi anecdote. That really broke the ice... A very nice lunch indeed.

I agree. Not to be all Kumbaya, but I think it emphasized the need for us all to work together.

And there's a certain logic to the idea that you begin that process by all eating together.

Yes, breaking bread... But we must not let the will of our mission to be broken, because we've got two huge financial bills that we need...

You know, I like lunch a hell of a lot more than I like dinner. A hell of a lot more. That's the funny thing about presidents, they'll invite you to dinner but they never invite you to lunch.

And this was a very productive lunch, Boss. One which gave us a opportunity to clearly state...

They call me up for these state dinners and I'm like 'no way, Jack'. Way I see it, once I get off the House floor, the rest of the day is mine. I'm not going to spend all night at some stuffy formal dinner, but call me for lunch and I'll be there with bells on. I'll bet the president didn't know that about me.

No, he probably didn't...

Bush had me over for lunch a couple of times, but the man ate like a peasant. Always with the damn cheeseburgers.

I... guess this must have been a very satisfying day for you, then... Now as I was...

Very satisfying. But Eric, straight up, you should have seen your face when they brought out that stuffed chicken.

It was enormous. I had a chicken breast that was as big as my plate.

I thought, there is no way I'm not going to be able to eat all that, but the crab and shrimp stuffing was so light that I polished it off with no problem. Even had room left for desert.

More like two deserts, John... As I informed the president, the budget cuts we intend to pass now are only the beginning. As we consider the 2012 budget, I foresee...

Our budget is bloated, just like me. You're right, I never should have had two deserts, but the butterscotch mousse was so good. Anyway, very productive lunch... Sorry for interrupting...

I also informed President Obama that we had every intention of defunding his...

You know, the thing I liked best was the fact that you didn't need to flag down the server to get another drink. As soon as you were near the bottom, he was right there with another.

Oh lord, it's going to be a long couple years...