Thursday, December 1, 2011

Mister Touchy

We now join the Rachael Ray Show, already in progress

...and even if you've never done it before, it really is that easy to peel a banana. I know that a lot of you out there have always used the pre-peeled ones, but once you try one of these beauties straight out of the shell, you're going to become a convert.
I know that since you first introduced me to them, I can't get enough of them. I feel like snatching that one out of your hand even before you finish making your dessert, Rachael.
Down boy! Let's just get this over to our baking pan and brush it with butter... Seriously folks, if you've never been to a Rob Zombie show, sometimes he'll throw bananas right out into the audience!
Yeah, during 'Feed the Gods'. It's meant to be ironic as well as delicious.
And it is! Okay, now we're going to sprinkle a little brown sugar on, douse these babies with lemon juice, and roll them in coconut. Then we pop em in the oven, and in about fifteen minutes, we'll have fresh home-made Coconanners. While they're cooking, Rob, why don't you introduce our next guest?
Guess I need to find something to do while the Coconanners are cooking. Rachael's next guest is somebody who should need no introduction, since he's been around running for president since Justin Bieber was in grade school. Please welcome Mitt Romney.
Whoa! I thought for about half a second that I had just walked onto the stage of 'Midnight Special'.
Midnight Special?
You know, Rob. It was this concert show that used to be on TV back when we were kids... Okay, Governor Romney, welcome to the show. I've got to say, I was really surprised that you wanted to be on.
It's really not all that mysterious, Rachael. My handlers say I'm not doing enough television interviews, so I asked them to book me on a few of the non-confrontational shows like yours. I get really sick of having to deal with all the 'gotcha' questions every time I make an appearance, so this week I'm doing your show, 'Donna Decorates Dallas' on HGTV, and 'Pardon the Interruption' on ESPN... Uh, Mister Zombie, do you mind taking your sunglasses off while I'm here? I like to be able to see someone's eyes when I'm talking.
So you can tell if they're rolling them? You might want to pass on 'Pardon the Interruption', dude, those guys can get pretty confrontational. You're probably best off sticking with FOX News.
I'm sure that may be what the politically naive might think, but I went on 'Special Report with Bret Baier last night and they were gunning for me. One gotcha question after another.
Uh huh.
And my name is not 'dude', by the way. You may call me Governor Romney. So, Rachael, what do you have cooking today?
Coconanners! I saw a picture of you eating one at the Iowa State Fair, and thought it would be fun to treat you to a surprise.
No, I have to correct you on that. If it was phallic shaped and at the Iowa State Fair, I'm pretty sure that it must have been a corndog.
We could have made corndogs...
If I were to be totally honest, I would admit that I find corndogs rather unappetizing, so I guess I'll just take my chance with a coconanner. Never let it be said that Mitt Romney isn't game for a new experience.
I think you'll love them! They've got lemon and coconut and they're baked to...
Oh no, no. Coconut? I think I'll just pass on the coconanner. I really can't tolerate coconut.
Kinda makes a coconanner a moot point, doesn't it? What would you do if you were in China and President Jintao offered you one?
First of all, I wouldn't be in China unless they were to cease and desist manipulating their currency. Secondly, if such a situation were to occur I would simply say no thank you. There would be no apologies, either. And third, that is a gotcha question, and I warned the producer about that.
I'm so sorry, Governor Romney. But let me get back to what you said a moment ago about China. Don't all countries manipulate their currencies to some degree? Don't we?
Did you not just hear what I said about gotcha questions? One more and I'll be forced to take my leave. I thought this was supposed to be a cooking show, so why not ask me something related to that, like whether or not I like plain bananas? The answer is yes I do, very much. And I'd be glad to join you in your little snack if I can get a plain banana.
Oh gosh, Governor, I'm afraid we used them all up. But I tell you what - I made this yummy chocolate-raspberry mousse earlier today. Would you like to try some of that?
That's it. I'm out of here.


  1. Willard and the Coconanners has a ring to it, sorta like Jerry Joseph and the Jackmormons.

  2. Funny; last time I saw Rachel make that face at the top of the post, I had my pants down.

    (he said dreamily...)