Does this prove that numerology can reveal the hidden truth?

You bet it does. There is an awful lot to be learned from the study of numbers, and Herman Cain has long been a serious student of their integral relationship with what we call 'real life'. For example, 9-9-9. Right now the American people are pondering what direction the nation should head in next. I remember a number of years ago when I was driving with my wife from Atlanta to Savannah. Now this was back in the days before GPS, so I handed my wife Gloria a map and she was supposed to supply me with proper directions. I'd been driving for about four hours and suddenly I look up and see an exit for Columbia, South Carolina. I pulled off the side of the road and I said 'Holy cow, woman, you've got me going to the exactly wrong place'.   Her solution was to turn around and head back to Atlanta and just start all over again. Well, you can't do that, it makes no sense. I just spent four hours driving and then I'm going to turn around and drive four hours back to Atlanta and then drive another four hours to Savannah? That may be a good example of conventional thinking but it is not an acceptable solution, and Herman Cain is not a conventional driver. So I made an executive decision and got on interstate 26, took it down to interstate 95, and two and a half hours later I arrived at my destination.   Now what does that have to do with numerology? Not a thing. It is an example of innovative verses conventional thinking. It's important that you have the ability to hold more than one thought in your mind at a time. What do you know about Herman Cain? You know that he is a leader who is able to think innovatively. You know that Herman Cain was the leading candidate for the Republican presidential nomination before he suspended his campaign to deal with baseless accusations. Suspended, that is the operative word. Perhaps you know that Herman Cain has a web site that has received literally thousands of hits. You may know that Herman Cain has a bus with his picture on it. And I'm sure you know that Herman Cain has an incredibly innovative plan that's known as 9-9-9.   That is why I will make a very important announcement on January 19th. It will be an endorsement, an unconventional endorsement. Will it be Romney? No. Ron Paul? Not a chance. How about Gingrich? No, it will not be Newt. Are you thinking Santorum? You would be wrong. Don't even ask about Perry or Huntsman. I said that it was going to be an unconventional endorsement, people, and all of the remaining candidates are quite conventional, so you have no idea what I'm thinking. You'll just have to stay tuned until the 19th to find out.   Why the 19th? Maybe you read the tweet up above and did the math on John 3:16, realizing that 3 plus 16 equal 19. I realize that too but it's a simplistic explanation. January 19th, 2012 - 1/19/12. Take a closer look, people. 1+19+12 equals 32.   There are some very interesting things about the number 32, not the least of which is that in mathematics it is known as a 'happy number'. How do I know this? Because I did the math. To find a happy number, you take it's digits, square them, then add them together until they resolve to the number one. Let me demonstrate just how happy 32 is. 3 squared is 9, 2 squared is 4, 9 plus 4 equals 13. Capiche? Okay, 13. 1 squared is 1, 3 squared is 9, 1 plus 9 equals 10. Almost there. 1 squared is 1, 0 squared is 0, 1 plus 0 equals 1, and voila, you've got a happy number in three easy steps.   A few more things you should know. 32 is the 9th happy number, and I've quite fond of the number 9. Now don't let this spook you, but in the Kabbalah, there are 32 paths to wisdom and in the Digha Nikaya there is a list of 32 physical descriptions that announce the appearance of the Buddha. Coincidence? You decide. And finally, in the ASCII code 32 represents a space, an empty space that I intend to fill on January 19 with my unconventional endorsement. Stay tuned.

January 21, 2013

RINGGG...RINGGG...RINGGG...RINGGG...RINGGG... "Oh good lord... What time is it?  Three o'clock in the morning... Can't the forty-fifth president of the United States get a little shut-eye around here? Hello."   "Hello. Am I speaking to Herman Cain?"   "That's President Herman Cain to you. And that is who you were calling, isn't it? What the hell do you want?"   "I would like to order two large pizzas, slathered in your manliest of meats."   "And I would like to get a good night's sleep. How'd you get this number? Obama give it to you?"   "Sorry. Just a little levity, Mister President. Good morning. Allow me to introduce myself. I am Prime Minister Shavkat Mirziyoyev of Uzbekistan."   "Uzbeki-beki-beki-stan-stan? I don't even know what the hell that is."   "We are a small but proud landlocked republic in Central Asia."   "Well, bully for you. What do you want me to do about it?"   "Not a thing. I wonder if I could have a minute of your time."   "Yeah, I guess, since you already woke me up. I suppose that you're calling to congratulate me."   "Oh. Sure. Congratulations... I apologize for waking you. I did not think that you would be answering your own phone."   "I haven't had time to hire anyone to do it for me yet. Herman Cain personally hires everyone that works for him in order to maintain quality assurance."   "A wise policy, I'm sure."   "You bet it is. Now if you're all done congratulating me, I need to get back to sleep. I've got a busy day tomorrow. I'm interviewing candidates for White House chef."   "Please, one moment. I was wondering, do you think you would be able to locate Uzbekistan on a map?"   "I assure you that I would not. Can you?"   "Yes I can. But you would be unable to find it?"   "There would be no reason for me to do so. I will have experts surrounding me that can do that for me. As soon as I hire them."   "That's very good. Well, the reason I called was to tell you that at this very moment, the mighty Uzbekistan military is on the move."   "That's a good one, the mighty Uzbekistan military. It can't be all that mighty if I've never heard of it. You don't have a navy, do you? What with being landlocked and all."   "No, no navy, but we have quite a good air force which we are currently putting to punishing use."   "Oh, really? You attacking someone?"   "Indeed we are. It is our intent to conquer Kyrgyzstan to our east, and if all goes well we will push on into Tajikistan... Do you intend to oppose our mission?"   "As long as you're keeping it in the Whateverstans, I really do not care. The United States of America has bigger fish to fry."   "What fish would those be?"   "A little country you might have heard of called Iran. Not to mention an out of control tax code."   "Oh. Well, good luck with that." "Luck should have nothing to do with it when you surround yourself with the right people."   "Which I assume you have."   "Not yet, but then I've only been president since about noon yesterday. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got to catch a little shut-eye before my busy day tomorrow. Goodnight, Mister uh..."   "Shavkat Mirziyoyev. But don't worry about the name. I'll reintroduce myself if you ever make it to my country."   "I don't visit countries I can't pronounce, so there's not much chance of that. Goodnight."

Paid for by the 'Friends of Herman Cain™'.

Dear Patriots, I am writing to say thank you, America, thank you very much. With your help, I'm pleased to announce that Monday marked the most successful 24 hour period in the Herman Cain campaign's fundraising history. The good people of this great country apparently do not care to watch a man they greatly admire and respect be subjugated to the high-tech lynching techniques of the modern mainstream media, and they have voiced their feelings in the most powerful way possible - through the act of making generous donations to my pact, the 'Friends of Herman Cain™'. Did you ever hear about the time I stirred a gin and tonic with my love muscle for a pretty young subordinate? No? Let's get real - That's because it never happened. You're never going to hear it either, at least not from me. And if you do hear it from anybody else, it'll be one of those made up stories. That's the sort of vile innuendo the liberal pundits fighting to protect the status quo spread when they want to tear you down. Are liberals more racist that conservatives? I have no direct evidence of that, it is just an observation that I have made. You be the judge.   The fact is there are factions that are trying to destroy me personally, as well as destroy this campaign and this journey to the White House, and I'm not speaking of the mainstream media this time. Those of you who have read my book 'This Is Herman Cain!' will recall that it concludes with these exciting words - "I’m the president of the United States of America!" Sadly, there are those who would like to make a liar out of me. Who are these people? Take a look around the stage next Tuesday at the Republican debate in Minnesota and I suspect that you will find a number of answers.   But of these suspects, is there anyone - perhaps someone who has raised more money than me - who would attempt to undermine a fellow conservative through the use of dirty tricks? I truly do not know the answer, although my research reveals that at least one candidate has employed such tactics in the past. If I were playing detective I would take a closer look at anyone who frequents a hunting camp with a racially inflammatory name. However, I am not playing detective, and I have no direct evidence of that. It is just an observation that I have made.   One thing that I do have evidence of is the fact that America is ready for bold new leadership and exciting, innovative new ideas like my 9-9-9 plan, which will increase the purchasing power of every American, irregardless of what the naysayers may tell you. You might just want to send a donation to 'Friends of Herman Cane™' right now. In return, I will not send you the titillating new eBook 'The Complete Illustrated Guide to the Hermanator's Id'. I will not send that to you because it does not exist. I guarantee 100% that this eBook will not be coming your way. And that's a good thing too, because the children might see it. Who knows what it might contain? Certainly I do not - and that's why I won't send it to you. That, and the fact that it is imaginary.   So get on board the Cain Train today with your donation to 'Friends of Herman Cain™'. I may be number one in the polls today, but with your help, I can rise even higher.

The Cain Scrutiny

Herman Cain vigorously pushed back today against allegations that he had sexually harassed at least two female employees while serving as the head of the National Restaurant Association, claiming the accusations were both "totally baseless and totally false". As for the further allegations that the women signed payoff agreements with the NRA in exchange for leaving their jobs and speaking of the matter no further, he was less definitive, but was certain that he knew nothing about a settlement and if there had been one, "it was handled by some of the other officers at the restaurant organization," most likely the Chief Payoff Officer.   Knowing the ways of the world as well as the contents of his conscience, Cain was keenly aware that other allegations may arise, but if they do, "I assure you people will simply make them up," because the whole thing is a 'witch hunt' and someone wants to put a 'cloud' over his campaign. All bases covered? Check.   But just who or what sinister force is trying to hang this cloud of false charges over the Hermanator's shiny dome? Could it be the Obama administration?   "No, it's not Obama," Cane says flatly. "The man is too fixated on Romney to attack me, and he just loves the sight of me really bringing the heat to old Mitt. That's his folly. By the time Obama realizes what a threat I was, it'll be way too late for him."   Well then perhaps it's the man who's having the heat brought to him, old Mitt himself.   "No, I thought about that," Cane replies dismissively, "but Willard himself has a need to see me succeed, at least until his dreaded nemesis Rick Perry is no longer a contender. I believe that Romney sees me as the only man capable of sending Perry to the showers. After that, though, all bets are off."   Then Karl Rove would seem to be a likely perpetrator, since he was the first person to pounce on the news of Cain's misfortunes and call on him to come clean.     "Do you think that I was born yesterday?" Cain asks impatiently. "It's not Rove. I am a keen observer of the human psyche, and I can tell you this much with certainty - Rove is just a remnant of the old Republican establishment who's bitter because he doesn't have anyone kowtowing to him this time around. I mean, he may not like me, but he ain't going to like anyone who doesn't like him back. That's a fact."   Uh, Donald Trump? He did tell FOX News that perhaps you "settled just because you didn’t want to go through the legal fees or you didn’t want to spend a lot of money   "I think you're a little closer, but still no cigar," Cain chuckles. "It's true that Trump went and interjected himself into my business today, which I do not appreciate in the slightest. Let me tell you something, Donald Trump, Herman Cane is not the sort of man to watch his wallet when it comes to protecting his good reputation. But I think the truth of the matter is that Trump is just a self-important blowhard who doesn't like to see anyone like me stealing his spotlight."   "Ooh, ooh, I think I know," interjected Michele Bachmann. "It's Rick Perry, isn't it? That's his modus operandi. I thought he was only playing dirty tricks on me, but I guess he's branching out. You know Rick Perry was behind that letter from the Tea Party telling me to drop out of the race. I don't have any evidence, per se, but people have told me that's what happened. You should talk to people. They might tell you something too. And then last week Rick Perry stole my tax plan and I..."   "Calm down, Michele," Cain replied brusquely. "You don't even have a tax plan. And the fact is, I talk to people all the time and they haven't told me anything yet. It's very frustrating. I know the media is giving the issue of my non-existent harassment the full headline treatment, but who put them onto me is a question I've yet to be able to answer. I'm a very open individual, so it could be anyone. It could even be me. I wouldn't put myself beyond myself. But whoever it is, I'm giving this my full scrutiny and I won't rest until I'm either fully vindicated or another story comes along to take it's place."

Great Americans

"...and that's one of the things I admire so much about you. Let's take a look at video of something you revealed to Chris Wallace yesterday here at FOX News."

Earlier this week you made remarks about the planned mosque in Murfreesboro Tennessee that stirred quite a bit of controversy. Would you like to take this opportunity to further fan those flames?

Yes I would, Chris. Let's go back to the fundamental issue. Islam is both a religion and a set of laws - Sharia laws. That's the difference between any one of our good traditional American religions where it's just about religious purposes.

Really? What about Judaism? It has a lot of laws. So, you're saying that any community, if they want to ban a mosque...

Yes, they have the right to do that. That's not discriminating based upon their particular religion. The people in the community know what it is that I mean and they're talking about it.

I'm sure they are, Mister Cain, but that doesn't make it right. Are you really willing to restrict people's rights because of their religion?

Don't be such a pussy, Chris. I'm simply saying I owe it to the American people to be cautious because terrorists are trying to kill us, okay? Capiche?

Wow, so few people are willing to just come out and say it, particularly to Chris Wallace. That is so powerful because it's so true - the terrorists are Moslems and they are trying to kill us.

That's why I say it, Sean, because I'm a truthsayer. The Asians want to kill us as well, but at least they don't build these obnoxious mosques in our communities.

Well said. Let me ask you something - how would you like to be a friend of the Sean Hannity Show?

I don't know. What would I have to do in order to accomplish such a lofty achievement?

Just be a guest on the show every couple of weeks and call me a great American.

And what would I get in return?

Well, not only would I call you a friend of the show, I'd call you one of the serious candidates.

I am one of the serious candidates, Hannity. What else you got?

You can call in anytime you want to weigh in on a topic, no matter who's already on the show. And I would call you by your first name.

I would expect that if I wanted to weigh in on something, you'd feature me as a regular guest. And I'd prefer you call me Mister Cain. Is that all you have?

I can get you an autographed copy of all of my books.

You're starting to lose me now, Hannity.

Wait. What about two fifty dollar gift certificates to Ruth's Criss Steak House and a Pajamagram?

I drive a hard bargain, don't I, buddy?

You're a great American, Mister Cain.

Herman Cain can deliver the goods

After being bold enough to declare his candidacy with a rather bizarre reinterpretation of MLK's 'free at last' speech - which now apparently means being "Free from legislation that's being forced down the throat of the American people like Obamacare" as well as freedom from a stagnant economy - businessman Herman Cain took another huge step in his fight for the GOP nomination by appearing on the indispensable FOX News Sunday with Chris Wallace.   "I had the courage to announce on a day when the earth very well could have ended," Cain told Wallace, after arriving on the set with a twinkle in his eye and a large Italian sausage and mushroom pizza. "Of course it didn't, which I had already boldly predicted. It might have ended for Mitch Daniels, but it's only beginning for me. Go on brother, have a slice of this pie before it goes and gets cold on us."   Wallace asked if Cain had brought the pie in order to remind the American people of how as CEO of Godfather's he had returned the chain to prosperity through his program of hard work, innovation, and fiscal austerity.   "Does it make you think of that, Chris?" Cain replied. "If so, that's a good thing, because that's the way we can get this country back on track. But take a closer look. This isn't an Italian sausage and mushroom pizza, this is a metaphor pizza. This pizza says Herman Cain can deliver the goods. And check out how those good are still piping hot."   "And delicious," agreed Wallace, wiping a strand of 100% real mozzarella from his chin. "But I want to ask you an important question about your political action committee. Our extensive FOX News research has turned up the fact that your Hermanator PAC only has a balance of thirteen dollars. That's scarcely enough money to buy one of your delectable pizzas."   "That's because FOX News has a pretty jive research department," Cain responded, holding a slice threateningly. "I know it's not your fault, but if they had done their homework, you'd be aware of the fact that I shut down the Hermanator PAC in January. I've got a new one named the Friends of Herman Cain which will file with the FEC July 15th."   "You're right, that is some pretty jive research," Wallace admitted, watching sadly as Cain returned the remaining pizza to the box. "Please, you don't have to go yet. If you'll let me have another slice, we can go on for another segment."   "You drive a hard bargain, Chris, but like I said, Herman Cain delivers the goods. Here you go. Tasty, isn't it? They double up on the toppings when they know it's for me. You want any parmesan with that?"   "Please. And please tell me, if you would, how much money do you have in the Friends of Herman Cain PAC?"   "I could, but I won't, Chris, because I don't want my competition to know. But I can tell you, we are not broke. Far from it. We could afford to buy pizza for everybody here at FOX News, including Glenn Beck."   "That guy can eat a lot of pizza."   "I'll bet he can, Chris, I'll bet he can. He'd probably want some sort of wild toppings like anchovies and avocado, but I'm never going to find out. He's a little too crazy for me."   "Tell me about it. That's why FOX News is canning his ass. So you're saying that at this point, the Herman Campaign is financially sound, is that correct?"   "Yes, but we could always use more, Chris. I've been doing a little research, and I've found that it's not illegal to offer voters refreshments as long as you remain at least fifty feet away from the polling place. I'm looking at the possibility of setting up free hot pizza stands outside of the primary polls, with my picture and my slogan, 'Herman Cain can deliver the goods'. That's going to take a lot of money."   "Well, it's a worthy cause. Could I have just one more... Ah, thank you. And one more question before you go..."   "Go ahead, Chris."   "Can you come back again next Sunday?"

the tallest midget

Not that anyone much noticed it, but the first Republican debate has now come and gone, and to the surprise of the political cognoscente, the tallest midget was Herman Cain. No, seriously. Look: He even has his own nickname now courtesy of the Wall Street Journal - The Hermanator.   'The Hermanator', Pawlenty. Sounds so much cooler than 'T-Paw', doesn't it? Pawlenty was expected to dominate this sorry initial showing, but he was so cautious that he seemed like a man waiting for an appointment with a dental hygienist. Ron 'Gold Standard' Paul was the other 'major player' but his biggest moment may have been his defense of libertarianism by explaining that even if the US were to legalize heroin, it didn't mean that everybody would rush out to try it. Rick 'Man-on-dog' Santorum, unsurprisingly, came across as a man spoiling for a fight in a bar where nobody would give him one. Gary 'Who' Johnson wasn't expected to make much of an impression so I guess he didn't disappoint. By virtue of coming off at least as well as Rand Paul's daddy or the Human Shadow, Herman Cain didn't disappoint either, as you can see by this online FOX News poll (i.e. the only poll that counts), so I guess that makes him the winner. If Cain was president, at least the future of America's dwindling pizza reserves would finally be secure. As David Lynch memorably once had Laura Dern say, "This whole world's wild at heart and weird on top". And Herman Cain survives to fight another day.