Thursday, November 17, 2011

January 21, 2013


"Oh good lord... What time is it?  Three o'clock in the morning... Can't the forty-fifth president of the United States get a little shut-eye around here? Hello."
"Hello. Am I speaking to Herman Cain?"
"That's President Herman Cain to you. And that is who you were calling, isn't it? What the hell do you want?"
"I would like to order two large pizzas, slathered in your manliest of meats."
"And I would like to get a good night's sleep. How'd you get this number? Obama give it to you?"
"Sorry. Just a little levity, Mister President. Good morning. Allow me to introduce myself. I am Prime Minister Shavkat Mirziyoyev of Uzbekistan."
"Uzbeki-beki-beki-stan-stan? I don't even know what the hell that is."
"We are a small but proud landlocked republic in Central Asia."
"Well, bully for you. What do you want me to do about it?"
"Not a thing. I wonder if I could have a minute of your time."
"Yeah, I guess, since you already woke me up. I suppose that you're calling to congratulate me."
"Oh. Sure. Congratulations... I apologize for waking you. I did not think that you would be answering your own phone."
"I haven't had time to hire anyone to do it for me yet. Herman Cain personally hires everyone that works for him in order to maintain quality assurance."
"A wise policy, I'm sure."
"You bet it is. Now if you're all done congratulating me, I need to get back to sleep. I've got a busy day tomorrow. I'm interviewing candidates for White House chef."
"Please, one moment. I was wondering, do you think you would be able to locate Uzbekistan on a map?"
"I assure you that I would not. Can you?"
"Yes I can. But you would be unable to find it?"
"There would be no reason for me to do so. I will have experts surrounding me that can do that for me. As soon as I hire them."
"That's very good. Well, the reason I called was to tell you that at this very moment, the mighty Uzbekistan military is on the move."
"That's a good one, the mighty Uzbekistan military. It can't be all that mighty if I've never heard of it. You don't have a navy, do you? What with being landlocked and all."
"No, no navy, but we have quite a good air force which we are currently putting to punishing use."
"Oh, really? You attacking someone?"
"Indeed we are. It is our intent to conquer Kyrgyzstan to our east, and if all goes well we will push on into Tajikistan... Do you intend to oppose our mission?"
"As long as you're keeping it in the Whateverstans, I really do not care. The United States of America has bigger fish to fry."
"What fish would those be?"
"A little country you might have heard of called Iran. Not to mention an out of control tax code."
"Oh. Well, good luck with that."

"Luck should have nothing to do with it when you surround yourself with the right people."
"Which I assume you have."
"Not yet, but then I've only been president since about noon yesterday. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got to catch a little shut-eye before my busy day tomorrow. Goodnight, Mister uh..."
"Shavkat Mirziyoyev. But don't worry about the name. I'll reintroduce myself if you ever make it to my country."
"I don't visit countries I can't pronounce, so there's not much chance of that. Goodnight."

1 comment:

  1. Chilling, despite the inadvertent pissing of my pants.

    Thanks, you scoundrel.