The Cain Scrutiny

Herman Cain vigorously pushed back today against allegations that he had sexually harassed at least two female employees while serving as the head of the National Restaurant Association, claiming the accusations were both "totally baseless and totally false". As for the further allegations that the women signed payoff agreements with the NRA in exchange for leaving their jobs and speaking of the matter no further, he was less definitive, but was certain that he knew nothing about a settlement and if there had been one, "it was handled by some of the other officers at the restaurant organization," most likely the Chief Payoff Officer.   Knowing the ways of the world as well as the contents of his conscience, Cain was keenly aware that other allegations may arise, but if they do, "I assure you people will simply make them up," because the whole thing is a 'witch hunt' and someone wants to put a 'cloud' over his campaign. All bases covered? Check.   But just who or what sinister force is trying to hang this cloud of false charges over the Hermanator's shiny dome? Could it be the Obama administration?   "No, it's not Obama," Cane says flatly. "The man is too fixated on Romney to attack me, and he just loves the sight of me really bringing the heat to old Mitt. That's his folly. By the time Obama realizes what a threat I was, it'll be way too late for him."   Well then perhaps it's the man who's having the heat brought to him, old Mitt himself.   "No, I thought about that," Cane replies dismissively, "but Willard himself has a need to see me succeed, at least until his dreaded nemesis Rick Perry is no longer a contender. I believe that Romney sees me as the only man capable of sending Perry to the showers. After that, though, all bets are off."   Then Karl Rove would seem to be a likely perpetrator, since he was the first person to pounce on the news of Cain's misfortunes and call on him to come clean.     "Do you think that I was born yesterday?" Cain asks impatiently. "It's not Rove. I am a keen observer of the human psyche, and I can tell you this much with certainty - Rove is just a remnant of the old Republican establishment who's bitter because he doesn't have anyone kowtowing to him this time around. I mean, he may not like me, but he ain't going to like anyone who doesn't like him back. That's a fact."   Uh, Donald Trump? He did tell FOX News that perhaps you "settled just because you didn’t want to go through the legal fees or you didn’t want to spend a lot of money   "I think you're a little closer, but still no cigar," Cain chuckles. "It's true that Trump went and interjected himself into my business today, which I do not appreciate in the slightest. Let me tell you something, Donald Trump, Herman Cane is not the sort of man to watch his wallet when it comes to protecting his good reputation. But I think the truth of the matter is that Trump is just a self-important blowhard who doesn't like to see anyone like me stealing his spotlight."   "Ooh, ooh, I think I know," interjected Michele Bachmann. "It's Rick Perry, isn't it? That's his modus operandi. I thought he was only playing dirty tricks on me, but I guess he's branching out. You know Rick Perry was behind that letter from the Tea Party telling me to drop out of the race. I don't have any evidence, per se, but people have told me that's what happened. You should talk to people. They might tell you something too. And then last week Rick Perry stole my tax plan and I..."   "Calm down, Michele," Cain replied brusquely. "You don't even have a tax plan. And the fact is, I talk to people all the time and they haven't told me anything yet. It's very frustrating. I know the media is giving the issue of my non-existent harassment the full headline treatment, but who put them onto me is a question I've yet to be able to answer. I'm a very open individual, so it could be anyone. It could even be me. I wouldn't put myself beyond myself. But whoever it is, I'm giving this my full scrutiny and I won't rest until I'm either fully vindicated or another story comes along to take it's place."