I am writing to say thank you, America, thank you very much. With your help, I'm pleased to announce that Monday marked the most successful 24 hour period in the Herman Cain campaign's fundraising history. The good people of this great country apparently do not care to watch a man they greatly admire and respect be subjugated to the high-tech lynching techniques of the modern mainstream media, and they have voiced their feelings in the most powerful way possible - through the act of making generous donations to my pact, the 'Friends of Herman Cain™'.
Did you ever hear about the time I stirred a gin and tonic with my love muscle for a pretty young subordinate? No? Let's get real - That's because it never happened. You're never going to hear it either, at least not from me. And if you do hear it from anybody else, it'll be one of those made up stories. That's the sort of vile innuendo the liberal pundits fighting to protect the status quo spread when they want to tear you down. Are liberals more racist that conservatives? I have no direct evidence of that, it is just an observation that I have made. You be the judge.
The fact is there are factions that are trying to destroy me personally, as well as destroy this campaign and this journey to the White House, and I'm not speaking of the mainstream media this time. Those of you who have read my book 'This Is Herman Cain!' will recall that it concludes with these exciting words - "I’m the president of the United States of America!" Sadly, there are those who would like to make a liar out of me. Who are these people? Take a look around the stage next Tuesday at the Republican debate in Minnesota and I suspect that you will find a number of answers.
But of these suspects, is there anyone - perhaps someone who has raised more money than me - who would attempt to undermine a fellow conservative through the use of dirty tricks? I truly do not know the answer, although my research reveals that at least one candidate has employed such tactics in the past. If I were playing detective I would take a closer look at anyone who frequents a hunting camp with a racially inflammatory name. However, I am not playing detective, and I have no direct evidence of that. It is just an observation that I have made.
One thing that I do have evidence of is the fact that America is ready for bold new leadership and exciting, innovative new ideas like my 9-9-9 plan, which will increase the purchasing power of every American, irregardless of what the naysayers may tell you. You might just want to send a donation to 'Friends of Herman Cane™' right now. In return, I will not send you the titillating new eBook 'The Complete Illustrated Guide to the Hermanator's Id'. I will not send that to you because it does not exist. I guarantee 100% that this eBook will not be coming your way. And that's a good thing too, because the children might see it. Who knows what it might contain? Certainly I do not - and that's why I won't send it to you. That, and the fact that it is imaginary.
So get on board the Cain Train today with your donation to 'Friends of Herman Cain™'. I may be number one in the polls today, but with your help, I can rise even higher.
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