Sunday, May 22, 2011

Herman Cain can deliver the goods

After being bold enough to declare his candidacy with a rather bizarre reinterpretation of MLK's 'free at last' speech - which now apparently means being "Free from legislation that's being forced down the throat of the American people like Obamacare" as well as freedom from a stagnant economy - businessman Herman Cain took another huge step in his fight for the GOP nomination by appearing on the indispensable FOX News Sunday with Chris Wallace.
"I had the courage to announce on a day when the earth very well could have ended," Cain told Wallace, after arriving on the set with a twinkle in his eye and a large Italian sausage and mushroom pizza. "Of course it didn't, which I had already boldly predicted. It might have ended for Mitch Daniels, but it's only beginning for me. Go on brother, have a slice of this pie before it goes and gets cold on us."
Wallace asked if Cain had brought the pie in order to remind the American people of how as CEO of Godfather's he had returned the chain to prosperity through his program of hard work, innovation, and fiscal austerity.
"Does it make you think of that, Chris?" Cain replied. "If so, that's a good thing, because that's the way we can get this country back on track. But take a closer look. This isn't an Italian sausage and mushroom pizza, this is a metaphor pizza. This pizza says Herman Cain can deliver the goods. And check out how those good are still piping hot."
"And delicious," agreed Wallace, wiping a strand of 100% real mozzarella from his chin. "But I want to ask you an important question about your political action committee. Our extensive FOX News research has turned up the fact that your Hermanator PAC only has a balance of thirteen dollars. That's scarcely enough money to buy one of your delectable pizzas."
"That's because FOX News has a pretty jive research department," Cain responded, holding a slice threateningly. "I know it's not your fault, but if they had done their homework, you'd be aware of the fact that I shut down the Hermanator PAC in January. I've got a new one named the Friends of Herman Cain which will file with the FEC July 15th."
"You're right, that is some pretty jive research," Wallace admitted, watching sadly as Cain returned the remaining pizza to the box. "Please, you don't have to go yet. If you'll let me have another slice, we can go on for another segment."
"You drive a hard bargain, Chris, but like I said, Herman Cain delivers the goods. Here you go. Tasty, isn't it? They double up on the toppings when they know it's for me. You want any parmesan with that?"
"Please. And please tell me, if you would, how much money do you have in the Friends of Herman Cain PAC?"
"I could, but I won't, Chris, because I don't want my competition to know. But I can tell you, we are not broke. Far from it. We could afford to buy pizza for everybody here at FOX News, including Glenn Beck."
"That guy can eat a lot of pizza."
"I'll bet he can, Chris, I'll bet he can. He'd probably want some sort of wild toppings like anchovies and avocado, but I'm never going to find out. He's a little too crazy for me."
"Tell me about it. That's why FOX News is canning his ass. So you're saying that at this point, the Herman Campaign is financially sound, is that correct?"
"Yes, but we could always use more, Chris. I've been doing a little research, and I've found that it's not illegal to offer voters refreshments as long as you remain at least fifty feet away from the polling place. I'm looking at the possibility of setting up free hot pizza stands outside of the primary polls, with my picture and my slogan, 'Herman Cain can deliver the goods'. That's going to take a lot of money."
"Well, it's a worthy cause. Could I have just one more... Ah, thank you. And one more question before you go..."
"Go ahead, Chris."
"Can you come back again next Sunday?"


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