Thursday, August 11, 2011

one day at the fair...

"Next in line... Hello, little girl. What can I do for you?"
"You can get this creepy man to take his hands off me."
"Hey mister, leave the kid alone. Anything else, little girl?"
"Yes, I want a pork chop on a stick."
"Uh huh, and I want a Swedish massage. You got six dollars?"
"I'm not going to pay to give you a massage."
"You got a smart mouth on you, kid. Next in line... Hey, buddy, what were you doing touchin' that smart-mouth kid? You a pervert or somethin'?"
"No, no, I was feeling woozy and just grabbed her for support... I was just across the way, viewing the butter cow, and then one of the locals bet me I couldn't eat fried butter on a stick... and the next thing I knew my heart was racing..."
"One of the locals, huh? That's a funny way to talk. You one of those presidential candidates or somethin'?"
"Indeed I am. I'm Jon Huntsman, former governor of Utah, and I'm running for the Republican presidential nomination."
"You got a smart mouth on you, mister. Ain't nobody by the name of Huntsman runnin' for president. Next in line."
"No, really I am. See that boom mike over my head?"
"That is a tad suspicious... If you runnin' for president, how come I ain't seen you before?"
"Well, that's because I haven't been in Iowa before. As a matter of fact I'm only here now for the debate tonight, and I thought, guess I might as well go see the butter cow."
"She's a real beauty, ain't she? Might be the best butter cow we ever had at the fair."
"Definitely the best I've ever seen... I really need something to get rid of this fried butter taste. What do you have to eat?"
"You got a real smart mouth on you, don't you? We got pork chops. On sticks."
"I guess... let me have a pork chop on a stick."
"I ain't gonna let you have one, but I'll sell you one for six bucks. You got six dollars?"
"Sure, sure, here you go."
"All righty, then. Let me see if I can fix you up... Reckon I'll be seein' a lot of you, now that you decided to run for president."
"No, not really. I don't plan on campaigning in Iowa."
"Don't plan on campignin' in Iowa? That's crazy talk. If everybody thought like you, I'd never get a free breakfast. You don't like Iowa or somethin'?"
"It seems to be a very nice state, but I don't support ethanol subsidies, so I figure it would be a wasted effort."
"You don't support ethanol subsidies? I reckon you must be one of those big government liberals who think you got a right to interfere with our livelihoods by comin' in here and takin' away our ethanol subsidies. You got a real smart mouth on you, buddy, real smart. Here's your six dollars. Next in line."
"Wait, I really need something to eat."
"You might be able to get Gladys in the next booth down to sell you a fried Twinkie if you can learn to keep your mouth shut."


  1. Six-pack for $35? What kind of beer are they selling at Iowa fairs these days? Stella Artois?

  2. Dead Guy Ale, probably, although it wouldn't totally surprise me to find that they sold six packs of pork chops on a stick.

  3. Huntsman's an old rocker and mormon of course. He has a family band (sort of LDS tradition--like...the Osmonds). So Jonny might smooth things over with the Iowa yokels when the Huntsmans Family band hits the stage! And the Iowans are enjoying their pork-popsicles as the Huntsmans break into like a smokin' Archies medley... Sugar sugar..... yeah.

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  5. I've always said our state fair just didn't have even idiots and assholes to spice it up. Thank god that's fixed!

    wv: clorible, an obvious melding of horrible cholesterol!

  6. enough...enough idiots and assholes!

  7. Understood, heydave... No place on earth can you not find even idiots.