Thursday, August 11, 2011

one day at the fair...


"Next in line... Hello, little girl. What can I do for you?"
 
"You can get this creepy man to take his hands off me."
 
"Hey mister, leave the kid alone. Anything else, little girl?"
 
"Yes, I want a pork chop on a stick."
 
"Uh huh, and I want a Swedish massage. You got six dollars?"
 
"I'm not going to pay to give you a massage."
 
"You got a smart mouth on you, kid. Next in line... Hey, buddy, what were you doing touchin' that smart-mouth kid? You a pervert or somethin'?"
 
"No, no, I was feeling woozy and just grabbed her for support... I was just across the way, viewing the butter cow, and then one of the locals bet me I couldn't eat fried butter on a stick... and the next thing I knew my heart was racing..."
 
"One of the locals, huh? That's a funny way to talk. You one of those presidential candidates or somethin'?"
 
"Indeed I am. I'm Jon Huntsman, former governor of Utah, and I'm running for the Republican presidential nomination."
 
"You got a smart mouth on you, mister. Ain't nobody by the name of Huntsman runnin' for president. Next in line."
 
"No, really I am. See that boom mike over my head?"
 
"That is a tad suspicious... If you runnin' for president, how come I ain't seen you before?"
 
"Well, that's because I haven't been in Iowa before. As a matter of fact I'm only here now for the debate tonight, and I thought, guess I might as well go see the butter cow."
 
"She's a real beauty, ain't she? Might be the best butter cow we ever had at the fair."
 
"Definitely the best I've ever seen... I really need something to get rid of this fried butter taste. What do you have to eat?"
 
"You got a real smart mouth on you, don't you? We got pork chops. On sticks."
 
"I guess... let me have a pork chop on a stick."
 
"I ain't gonna let you have one, but I'll sell you one for six bucks. You got six dollars?"
 
"Sure, sure, here you go."
 
"All righty, then. Let me see if I can fix you up... Reckon I'll be seein' a lot of you, now that you decided to run for president."
 
"No, not really. I don't plan on campaigning in Iowa."
 
"Don't plan on campignin' in Iowa? That's crazy talk. If everybody thought like you, I'd never get a free breakfast. You don't like Iowa or somethin'?"
 
"It seems to be a very nice state, but I don't support ethanol subsidies, so I figure it would be a wasted effort."
 
"You don't support ethanol subsidies? I reckon you must be one of those big government liberals who think you got a right to interfere with our livelihoods by comin' in here and takin' away our ethanol subsidies. You got a real smart mouth on you, buddy, real smart. Here's your six dollars. Next in line."
 
"Wait, I really need something to eat."
 
"You might be able to get Gladys in the next booth down to sell you a fried Twinkie if you can learn to keep your mouth shut."

7 comments:

  1. Six-pack for $35? What kind of beer are they selling at Iowa fairs these days? Stella Artois?

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  2. Dead Guy Ale, probably, although it wouldn't totally surprise me to find that they sold six packs of pork chops on a stick.

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  3. Huntsman's an old rocker and mormon of course. He has a family band (sort of LDS tradition--like...the Osmonds). So Jonny might smooth things over with the Iowa yokels when the Huntsmans Family band hits the stage! And the Iowans are enjoying their pork-popsicles as the Huntsmans break into like a smokin' Archies medley... Sugar sugar..... yeah.

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  4. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  5. I've always said our state fair just didn't have even idiots and assholes to spice it up. Thank god that's fixed!


    wv: clorible, an obvious melding of horrible cholesterol!

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  6. enough...enough idiots and assholes!

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  7. Understood, heydave... No place on earth can you not find even idiots.

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