Saturday, August 13, 2011

Perry announces, plunges

 "I do not accept the path that America is on," declared Texas governor Rick Perry during the surprise announcement that he would be running for the Republican presidential nomination. And right as the rain that he is either unable or unwilling to provide for the parched people of the Lone Star State, there was a perfectly good reason that he could not accept this path - because, as he explained at considerable length, "a renewed nation needs a renewed president, preferably one with the fashion savvy to effortlessly combine cowboy boots with a really nice blazer, but the good common sense to not rub it in by adding one of those string ties favored by the people of my native land."
The two hour and twenty minute announcement went perfectly, without a single outbreak of gunfire from the South Carolina (?) supporters who waited patiently for him to finish talking and serve them the barbecue which was surely their due. And yet, when it was finally over, an instant Rasmussen poll found that Perry's approval ratings had plunged by nearly half and his ranking amongst the other potential candidates had nosedived from 15 percent to 6.
"Part of his fall can probably be summed up as simple Perry fatigue," speculated FOX News anchor Bret Baier. "Here at FOX, we made the decision to stick with his announcement to the bitter end, but by the ninety minute mark, even we were going split screen so we could show footage of Sarah Palin eating fried butter at the Iowa state fair."
"Not impressed," opined Texas congressman Joe Barton. "I've got one question for Rick Perry - where is the rain? Just where is the rain, Governor? Instead of running for president, you should be petitioning the Lord with prayer."
"That boy can do some talking, can't he?" said Dallas native Betty Jo Johnson. "We Texans are notorious for talking big, but we don't trust a man who talks long. We figure they're trying to bore you into submission so they can pull the wool over your eyes and rob you blind."
"Hey, where's my wallet?" chimed in Betty's husband Charlie.
"Over two hours of yakking and I didn't hear him mention secession once," said Minnesota Tea Party patriot Billy Bupkis. "I think Rick Perry showed his true colors today. This is a man who clearly has no interest in seeing his country descend into chaos and disorder. I guess I was supposed to be impressed when he pulled out his pistol, but all I could think was Holy crap, the dude is wearing French cuffs."


  1. "You cannot petition the Lord with prayer!" Jim Morrison

  2. Don't be fooled by the superficial similarities with George W. -- sure, they both used to be college cheerleaders with shitty grades who ducked combat, but so far as I know only Goodhair tried to make a living for a while selling bibles door-to-door.