Sunday, August 14, 2011

Tragedy in Iowa

"Welcome back to 'This Week' from the ABC News department, such as it is. I'm Jake Tapper, and I'm talking to Michele Bachmann, winner of the all important Iowa Straw Poll, as well as Tim Pawlenty, who in spite of his distant third place finish, is the presumed loser. How can that be, Governor?"
"It's relatively simple, Jake. Rick Perry just got in the race yesterday, so he wasn't on the ballot, Mitt Romney didn't run in the state, so of course neither of those guys can be considered the loser. Newt was already considered a loser, so he hardly counts. Huntsman and McCotter, nobody knows those guys."
"The same could be said about you, Governor. I mean, people knew you were running, but you hardly made an impression."
"Touché, Jake. Santorum and Herman Cain were winners by virtue of exceeding expectations. Jeez, I can't believe that Rick Santorum nearly beat me."
"That is pretty sad. Congresswoman Bachmann, you appear to be beaming, as opposed to that brave little smile Governor Pawlenty is forcing."
"I am beaming, Jake, beaming for the people of Iowa and beaming for the people of America who want me to take their country back. But the truth is, I put in a lot of hard work in order to win the Straw Poll."
"I put in a lot of hard work too, Michele. I've been eating nothing but corn dogs and barbecue for weeks now, and I spent up all of my campaign money..."
"Aww, bless your heart... I've got to run and do FOX News Sunday now, Jake, but thanks for giving me the opportunity to drop by and gloat."
"It seemed like an amusing idea, Congresswoman, like the Greek faces of tragedy and comedy. And now here I am, left with just the face of tragedy. Where do you go from here, Governor?"
"I tell you where I'm not going, Jake, and that's back to Iowa. As soon as I finish this segment I'm heading to a Ruth's Criss Steak House for a nice fillet. I need to get this Hawkeye taste out of my mouth. Do you know that I actually ate fried butter last week?"
"It doesn't surprise me in the slightest. Do you still see a possible path to the nomination?"
"No, I really don't, Jake. No path at all. The fact is that I'm simply too nice to win."
"I could have told you that, Governor. I think it was pretty apparent back at the first debate when you refused to use the word Obamneycare."
"You couldn't be more right about that, Jake. If I didn't have the balls to repeat a silly phrase like that, you've got to wonder what I was even doing in the ring with Michele Bachmann."
"I've wondered that very thing."
"Well, wonder no more, Jake. We needed to get some lift out of Iowa to have a path forward and... That didn’t happen, so I’m announcing this morning on your show that I’m going to be ending my campaign for president."
"That's an ABC news exclusive, albeit a boring one."
"I wanted to make the announcement on FOX News Sunday, but they were all..."
"All booked up. I know, Governor, but I do want to thank them for the use of Congresswoman Bachmann. What now? Do you go back home and hope the phone will ring, you know, that someone will offer you the vice presidency slot."
"I guess in all honesty the answer is no, Jake. As you might remember, I was considered the leading candidate for VP under John McCain, and then he dropped me at the last moment for Sarah Palin. So I suppose that I'm pretty much dead meat, politically speaking."
"And I guess that leave us with nothing more to say except thank you for doing the show."

"Thanks for having me, Jake."

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