Tragedy in Iowa

"Welcome back to 'This Week' from the ABC News department, such as it is. I'm Jake Tapper, and I'm talking to Michele Bachmann, winner of the all important Iowa Straw Poll, as well as Tim Pawlenty, who in spite of his distant third place finish, is the presumed loser. How can that be, Governor?"   "It's relatively simple, Jake. Rick Perry just got in the race yesterday, so he wasn't on the ballot, Mitt Romney didn't run in the state, so of course neither of those guys can be considered the loser. Newt was already considered a loser, so he hardly counts. Huntsman and McCotter, nobody knows those guys."   "The same could be said about you, Governor. I mean, people knew you were running, but you hardly made an impression."   "Touché, Jake. Santorum and Herman Cain were winners by virtue of exceeding expectations. Jeez, I can't believe that Rick Santorum nearly beat me."   "That is pretty sad. Congresswoman Bachmann, you appear to be beaming, as opposed to that brave little smile Governor Pawlenty is forcing."   "I am beaming, Jake, beaming for the people of Iowa and beaming for the people of America who want me to take their country back. But the truth is, I put in a lot of hard work in order to win the Straw Poll."   "I put in a lot of hard work too, Michele. I've been eating nothing but corn dogs and barbecue for weeks now, and I spent up all of my campaign money..."   "Aww, bless your heart... I've got to run and do FOX News Sunday now, Jake, but thanks for giving me the opportunity to drop by and gloat."   "It seemed like an amusing idea, Congresswoman, like the Greek faces of tragedy and comedy. And now here I am, left with just the face of tragedy. Where do you go from here, Governor?"   "I tell you where I'm not going, Jake, and that's back to Iowa. As soon as I finish this segment I'm heading to a Ruth's Criss Steak House for a nice fillet. I need to get this Hawkeye taste out of my mouth. Do you know that I actually ate fried butter last week?"   "It doesn't surprise me in the slightest. Do you still see a possible path to the nomination?"   "No, I really don't, Jake. No path at all. The fact is that I'm simply too nice to win."   "I could have told you that, Governor. I think it was pretty apparent back at the first debate when you refused to use the word Obamneycare."   "You couldn't be more right about that, Jake. If I didn't have the balls to repeat a silly phrase like that, you've got to wonder what I was even doing in the ring with Michele Bachmann."   "I've wondered that very thing."   "Well, wonder no more, Jake. We needed to get some lift out of Iowa to have a path forward and... That didn’t happen, so I’m announcing this morning on your show that I’m going to be ending my campaign for president."   "That's an ABC news exclusive, albeit a boring one."   "I wanted to make the announcement on FOX News Sunday, but they were all..."   "All booked up. I know, Governor, but I do want to thank them for the use of Congresswoman Bachmann. What now? Do you go back home and hope the phone will ring, you know, that someone will offer you the vice presidency slot."   "I guess in all honesty the answer is no, Jake. As you might remember, I was considered the leading candidate for VP under John McCain, and then he dropped me at the last moment for Sarah Palin. So I suppose that I'm pretty much dead meat, politically speaking."   "And I guess that leave us with nothing more to say except thank you for doing the show." "Thanks for having me, Jake."

the well-focused candidate

"...but the single most fascinating thing about the guy is his total inability to gain traction. Earlier this year the conventional wisdom had Pawlenty as the most serious threat to Mitt Romney. The very most serious. Remember that Pawlenty was the very first candidate into the primary race, and although his name recognition has roughly doubled, his ranking in preference among likely Republican voters has gone down, hovering between three and four percent. Which means, that he now also trails Rick Perry, Sarah Palin, Michele Bachmann, Herman Cain, and Ron Paul. He is, however, ahead of Rick Santorum and Thaddeus McCotter, although in all fairness, McCotter only announced a week ago. Governor Pawlenty, welcome back to the show."   "Thank you, Rachel, it's great to be back. I might note that this is my fourth appearance on the Rachel Maddow Show."   "So noted, although it would seem it hasn't really helped you."   "I know. I get the impression that there aren't a whole lot of conservatives that watch your show."   "There are, but not for the reasons you might think."   "That's probably true. I do a lot of the liberal shows, though - you, Chris Mathews, Lawrence O'Donnell. It just seems like you guys take me more seriously."   "Governor Pawlenty, do you know why we like featuring you?"   "I believe I do, Rachel. The liberal media always like to adopt one Republican in the race to be nice to. That used to be John McCain, and now I guess the mantle has been passed to me."   "That's essentially true."   "Although it does seem lately as though the liberal media has been ignoring me a bit in favor of Jon Huntsman. I guess that's what I'd attribute my shrinking support to."   "Your decreased coverage in the progressive media. I don't believer that's quite accurate. I would theorize that it might have to do with your surprising lack of focus and follow-through."   "That's not true, Rachel. I focus like a laser on whatever it is that I'm focusing on."   "Which right now is Minnesota's government shutdown."   "Right. I see that as a microcosm of everything that's going on in the American economy. And of course, Minnesota is an area of expertise for me, so it's important that I show support for the Republican senate's leadership from the sidelines."   "And this support is demonstrated by ripping the bipartisan panel which is trying to solve the crisis."   "Absolutely. As you know, they're trying to solve the crisis by ending the shutdown. And you've got that old bastard Walter Mondale trying to blame me for some of the state's problems, when everyone knows I was a pretty darn good governor. That panel is the political equivalent of Jurassic Park, with Walter Mondale playing the part of the stegosaurus."   "Why the war of words with a respected political figure like Mondale?"       "Walter Mondale? Oh, it's nothing personal. I just figure that since he's a former presidential nominee, it's good practice for my coming match up with Barack Obama."   "I don't feel as though most people are all that interested."   "You're not interested in Walter Mondale? Boy, you liberals don't have any loyalty to your fallen warriors. I wondered why the media wasn't attacking my for badmouthing the guy, but at least I know that everyone is enthralled by the volatile political situation in Minnesota."   "Governor, I want to stress this - the workings of the Minnesota bipartisan commission is not a highly significant issue to the man in the street."   "It is if you're a man on the street in Minneapolis."   "Which most of us are not."    "Well, Rachel, in spite of what you say, it think it's rather clear that Minnesota has been the constant focus of American eyeballs over the past couple of weeks."   "No, it hasn't. That would be Casey Anthony."    "What? People are still paying attention to that Florida witch? Excuse me, Rachel, I should say 'presumed witch' because I'm sure the jury is going to be deliberating for a long, long time."   "They reached a verdict nearly a week ago."   "Wow. It sure didn't take them long to find her guilty, did it?"   "Governor, I wonder if..."    "Excuse me, Rachel, but I think one of those hot pretzel trucks just pulled up behind me."   "Unemployment has just ticked up again, and the economy seems to have run out..."   "It did! It did! A Sam's Hot Pretzel's truck! I'm sorry, Rachel, but you know how hard it is to eat properly on the campaign trail, and I've always been the sort of politician who seizes my opportunities. Thank you and good night."   "Have one for me... Good night... He's gone."

Rodney Pawlenty strikes out again

"...and we're preparing now to talk live to former Governor Tim Pawlenty, one of the other candidates running for the Republican presidential nomination. Good evening, Governor."   "Good evening, Greta. Just out of curiosity, why did you call me one of the other candidates?"   "Nothing personal, Governor, but that's what you are. You have your serious candidates like Michele Bachmann, Herman Cain, and Sarah Palin, and then a whole pack of others like you who are basically hoping lightning strikes."   "Sarah Palin isn't even running. I'd like to think that I'm at least as serious a contender as she is."   "I'm sure Thaddeus McCotter feels the same way."   "And you didn't even mention Mitt Romney, who's leading in most of the polls. Don't you consider him a serious candidate?"   "No. Let me ask you a pertinent question since you seem to be hung up on this whole idea of being taken seriously. Why don't I ever see you on TV? Don't you think that's important?"   "I've been on television quite a bit. I haven't been of FOX as much as I'd like, but I was on FOX News Sunday with Chris Wallace a couple of weeks ago. Did you see that?"   "No. It didn't look like a very interesting lineup, so I decided to watch professional bowling instead."   "You skipped me for bowling?"   "It was a championship roll-off. I want to ask about this new gimmick of yours. How did that come about?"   "What gimmick are you talking about Greta?"   "It's right up there on the screen, Governor. Try taking a look at your monitor."   "Taking aim at government employee unions? I'd hardly call that a gimmick. The rising cost of these unions is a very serious fiscal problem, particularly at the state level."   "But since you're running for a national office, I'd say that it's hardly relevant. Would you disagree?"   "Oh, absolutely. The president sets the mood for what happens in the states, and can affect..."   "I understand that you had a government shutdown in your state back when you were governor. You're from Minnesota, right? Same as Michele Bachmann."   "The same Minnesota. We had the government shutdown for nine days back in 2005. My new campaign ad talks about how I stood tough and won that battle. Would you like to show it?"   "No. You had a shutdown, back in 2005, when the nation was in a period of continuing economic prosperity. That must have been a huge embarrassment for you. Why do you even still want to talk about it?"   "I think that it is vital to what's going on nationally. If I were president I would allow the federal government to shut down before I increased the debt limit and continued this runaway spending."   "And if I were Queen of England, I would always have raspberry jam with my tea and scones. Thank you for being here 'On The Record', Governor, and good luck on your little adventure."   "Oh, are we out of time already?"   "No, but I'm bored."   "I wonder if I could just add that..."   "Oops, we seem to have lost our video feed. No biggie. Coming up, we've got Bristol Palin, who'll be talking about her new book 'Not Afraid of Life'. Stay tuned."

Pawlenty turns up the excitement

"I should be considered the frontrunner by now," muses former governor Tim Pawlenty, Minnesota's other Republican presidential hopeful. "Everybody says so, at least everybody on MSNBC. It would be nice if FOX would get behind me, or really, any of the conservative media, because that would help immensely with the low profile thing I've got going on. It might also help out with the 'boring' label I've been stuck with. Me boring? I should say not. Just because I'm not a philandering old disgraced relic from the nineties or a black pizza mogul or Sarah Palin doesn't mean I'm boring. People, just get to know this face, because after the deluge of media coverage I'm expecting from my newly unveiled economic plan, the last thing you should expect to hear is that Tim Pawlenty is boring."   "As I'm sure you've already heard, once I'm president, I plan on lowering the top tax rate to 25% and getting rid of the capitol gains tax and interest tax and all of those other annoying little taxes that most of us find so taxing. Heh heh, see, I can make a pun with the best of them. but lets not get sidetracked by our moment of mirth because there's more. I will cut the top rate on businesses from 35% to 15%. Still think I'm boring? Paul Ryan said he would cut the top corporate rate to 25% and everybody's running around like oh my God this is the most exciting thing I've ever heard and I thought 'sounds a little lame to me' so I decided to give the American people some real excitement. I've been around, and I think I know a thing or two about how energized people get over a good corporate tax cut. Booyah, Paul Ryan! I guess we know who the true visionary is around here."   "What's my secret to implementing this without exploding the deficit. I've got an exciting answer for you. I intend to have economic growth of 5% annually as opposed to this anemic little 2% that President Obama is giving us. Honestly, I don't know why the man isn't trying harder. I guess he's satisfied with doing just enough to get by, but that's not good enough for Tim Pawlenty. I want 5% and I want it for ten years in a row. Hey, it's not an impossible dream, because in the dream world anything can happen. There's historical precedent, too. Between 1983 and 1987 we had 4.9% growth. Then between 1996 and 1999 we had 4.7% growth. Add those two together and you've got over seven years where the times were almost as good as what I'm going to give you. That's 70% of the way to my goal! Are those some exciting numbers or what?"   "I'll bet you're psyched, because if you're doing the math along with me you've probably already figured out that after ten years we would have raised nearly four trillion in new tax revenue. That's enough to cut our projected deficit by a heck of a lot! But, unfortunately, not enough. We're going to have to have a lot of cuts, what some folks might be calling a lot of suffering. But is it really suffering? No, it's growing as a nation, and it's an adventure! Maybe the naysayers should spend a few weeks in Minnesota in February sometime and see what real suffering is like. Heh he. That's a little joke at my own expense."   "Anyway, read my plan, and I'm pretty certain it's going to turn you into a Pawlenty patriot. It's really short, just a summary, but there's so many exciting things in there, that you'll be talking about it for days. Like my Google Test, where if you can find a good or service on the internet, you sure as heck don't need for the government to be providing it. And I'm positive that after you investigate my idea to implement the efficiency plan Lean Six Sigma across the government and using performance-based management practices to streamline organizational programs, you'll never hear 'Tim Pawlenty' and 'boring' in the same sentence again. See you the next few days, all over the media."

Subj: Wake up Governor

To: TPaw@aol.com From: bdover@gmail.com Attch:(1) So it's come down to this, has it? Lately I've been trying to keep my anger inside. My wife Patsy even tells me that  I've been doing a reasonably good job of it. No more impassioned emails blindly sent off in the middle of the night - that was my New Year's Resolution, and so far I've been able to bide by it.   Don't think I don't know who you are, Mister Pawlenty. Your given name is Tim and you're the Governor of Minnesota. I know where you live, too - the Governor's Mansion. Think I don't know how to find you? Two words, buddy. Google Maps. I just head down Summit Avenue, take a right at South Oxford, then the first left, and BOOM! I'm right there, buddy.   Fortunately for both of us, I've decided to break my New Year's Resolution, which in retrospect was probably a bad promise to have made to begin with. Well, I didn't promise anyone but Patsy and myself, and we both know I'm in here reading you the riot act, except for Patsy, who's watching Leno. My point is that if I had not broken my resolution, I may well have given into my urge to crank it on up to Saint Paul and give you the sort of tongue lashing you so richly deserve, although that's probably against the law in Minnesota, but I'm so steamed that I don't care. Just don't be showing up in Southwest Virginia anytime soon, that's all I've got to say.   I think you know the problem, don't you buddy? See, I'm a state elected GOP official myself and as such I try to keep up with what's happening in the Republican Party, not just here, but also in Minnesota. So I was doing my afternoon reading today, and I came across a piece entitled 'Tim Pawlenty jabs Sarah Palin over crosshairs'. Needless to say, that caught my interest. My first though was, I'm sure this is journalistic hyperbole. You know how these political sites are, just trying to grab your eyeballs. No way Tim Pawlenty actually jabbed Sarah Palin. I mean, I've heard of you, but most people, I mention your name, they just give me a blank stare.   But I read the piece, and I've got to tell you, it made my jaw drop. It says you were on 'Good Morning America' - I know they've got a lot of time to fill up - and they ask you about this little controversy the lamestream media is drumming up on Sister Sarah. You know what I'm talking about, don't you buddy, the map with the crosshair targets of Democrats she wanted to target. Kind of a cute little graphic, but what did you say?   "I wouldn't have done it." Jesus Christ that was rude! Didn't your mama ever tell you if you can't say anything nice, then don't say any thing at all?   But you couldn't leave it alone there, could you? You had to add "It would not have been my style to put crosshairs on there."   You did jab Palin, you son of a bitch! Holy Mother of God, your style! Putting aside your fashion choices (in every way inferior to Sarah's), I know full well what you were doing - playing the class card. You've got way too much panache to ever bother getting down and dirty in the fight for America's soul.   I'm sure that everybody on 'Good Morning America' was as shocked as I was. I don't know, the article doesn't say. Probably George Stephanopoulos wasn't shocked, but I know everyone else probably was. So let me just share a little insight with you, buddy, cause those who don't learn from history are in for a whole world of hurt.   Maybe you remember September 11, 2001. I'm willing to bet that you do. Now there's a few nutcases on the left who think think that was an inside job, and there's a lot more lefties who think Bush just let it happen so he could pursue Iran. Both of those theories are bullhockey, but I'll tell you what. Once it did happen, old GWB used the opportunity for everything it was worth. And that's exactly what's happening right this minute.   It would be crazy to suggest that Obama ordered those shootings in Arizona, or even to suggest that he let it happen, but if that's what the battle requires, that's exactly what we'll say. Because what is happening should be as clear as the nose on your face - Obama is going to use this tragedy to try and take our guns. Smell the conspiracy, buddy, thousands of bloggers are shouting the truth already, even though the lamestream media hasn't given it word one. First comes the talk about 'civility'. Then it's a 'reasonable conversation about our current gun laws' and then BOOM!, America is a slave nation.   You're trying to sabotage us, buddy, whether you know it or not. I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume that you jabbed Palin out of pride or ignorance, but whatever the case, you have proven yourself totally unfit to ever be the President of the United States. Maybe Sarah Palin is too, if that's any consolation, but at least her heart is in the right place, Keeping an eye on you,   Ben Dover *   *Not my real name, my blogger name. Can't be too careful.

Minnesota illegals

A family of illegal Frenchies cross the porous Minnesota border Minnesota may be the next state to adopt an Arizona-style policy on illegal immigration, as their legislature takes up debate on a bill to crack down on the infestation of foreigners. "To educate, medicate and incarcerate illegal immigrants in Minnesota costs somewhere north of $200 million," says Congressman Steve Drazkowski. "And when I say somewhere north it is without irony, because that's where most of them come from. I'm talking about Canada where a lot of folks will do whatever it takes to have a chance at the American dream and move to a milder climate. Well, Minnesotans don't want, need or deserve to be paying for people who the first thing they do when they come to this country is break the law." "It's the Frenchies that cause us the biggest problem," emphasizes Michele Bachmann, mascot of the world-renowned Minnesota Vikings. "Your English speaking Canadians try to assimilate and avoid attracting too much attention to themselves, but the Frenchies come to Minnesota and just go wild - drug running, human trafficking, carjacking, murder and worse. you'll see half a dozen of them crammed into a beat up old Peugot, driving on the wrong side of the road and blasting Celine Dion at top volume. They don't even bother learning our language, just run around babbling 'Où est ma soins de santé gratuits?' Hello, I can't understand you." "A lot of folks justify the presence of the Frenchies by saying that they're willing to take the jobs that ordinary American's don't want - hairdressers, mimes, pastry chefs, that sort of thing, but I say that's nonsense. Well, maybe not nonsense, I'll admit to enjoying a nice prune danish on occasion, but for the good of Minnesota, I'll gladly do without." "I have some quibbles with what Michele said," dissents Governor Tim Pawlenty. "Her heart is in the right place, but I'm afraid her brain is not. We don't really have much of a human trafficking problem in Minnesota - all the whores tend to be local girls. But the drug running is a real problem. Those Frenchies will bring anything across the border, Zoloft, Lipitor, Viagra, you name it, and the prices they charge are ridiculously low. They're quite literally stealing the dollars out of the pocket of America pharmaceutical companies. As for the carjacking, murder, and especially the worse, that's primarily committed by illegals from Haiti and Cuba who sail all the way up the Mississippi River to Minneapolis and St. Paul. They come here for the mayhem but they stay for the weather."

Pawlenty Palace Pummeled

Tiger Woods impersonator outside of Governor Pawlenty's mansion Tiger Woods was detained briefly for questioning early this afternoon in an investigation of golf club related vandalism at Minnesota Governor Tim Pawlenty's official residence, but was released a short time later when his alibi was able to be verified. The incident occurred a few hours after Pawlenty had spoken at the CPAC convention, telling the audience that they should emulate Woods' wife by destroying the government. "She said she was fed up, she wasn't going to take it anymore," he told the happy freedom fighters. "We should take a page out of her playbook. Take a 9-iron and smash the window of big government in this country." Shortly thereafter surveillance video captured someone taking a 9-iron and smashing the first floor windows of Pawlenty's big government mansion. According to federal agent Stan Marcus, "Our calculations showed that Tiger would have had to travel from Ponte Vedra, Florida to St. Paul, Minnesota and back in less than three hours in order for him to have been the perpetrator, and unless you've got a rocket ship, that's just not possible." Woods does have a rocket ship, but was able to prove that it was in the shop at the time of the incident. "We had every reason to consider him as the prime suspect," said J. Herndon, who also questioned Woods. "Governor Pawlenty dissed him, dissed his wife, and quite frankly, gave him an almost irresistible challenge. And then there was the video..." "Don't get us wrong," interjected Agent Marcus. "We knew that the subject in that video was wearing a mask, but we couldn't discount the possibility that it was actually Tiger Woods wearing a Tiger Woods mask. That would have been fiendishly clever, and quite frankly, we wouldn't have blamed him for it. As far as the Bureau's take on the matter, we really hate to see these politicians kick a man when he's down."