Friday, February 19, 2010

Pawlenty Palace Pummeled

Tiger Woods impersonator outside of Governor Pawlenty's mansion

Tiger Woods was detained briefly for questioning early this afternoon in an investigation of golf club related vandalism at Minnesota Governor Tim Pawlenty's official residence, but was released a short time later when his alibi was able to be verified.

The incident occurred a few hours after Pawlenty had spoken at the CPAC convention, telling the audience that they should emulate Woods' wife by destroying the government.

"She said she was fed up, she wasn't going to take it anymore," he told the happy freedom fighters. "We should take a page out of her playbook. Take a 9-iron and smash the window of big government in this country." Shortly thereafter surveillance video captured someone taking a 9-iron and smashing the first floor windows of Pawlenty's big government mansion.

According to federal agent Stan Marcus, "Our calculations showed that Tiger would have had to travel from Ponte Vedra, Florida to St. Paul, Minnesota and back in less than three hours in order for him to have been the perpetrator, and unless you've got a rocket ship, that's just not possible." Woods does have a rocket ship, but was able to prove that it was in the shop at the time of the incident.

"We had every reason to consider him as the prime suspect," said J. Herndon, who also questioned Woods. "Governor Pawlenty dissed him, dissed his wife, and quite frankly, gave him an almost irresistible challenge. And then there was the video..."

"Don't get us wrong," interjected Agent Marcus. "We knew that the subject in that video was wearing a mask, but we couldn't discount the possibility that it was actually Tiger Woods wearing a Tiger Woods mask. That would have been fiendishly clever, and quite frankly, we wouldn't have blamed him for it. As far as the Bureau's take on the matter, we really hate to see these politicians kick a man when he's down."