"I suck"

"I'm feeble," sobbed Tiger Woods, as cameras brazenly approached him just outside the eighteenth green at the Masters Tournament. "I only enter events to win and I didn't get it done. Don't expect me to smile or act happy. I'm not number one, I'm not number two, at this moment in time I'm not even the third best golfer in the world. It's humiliating. I suck donkey dicks." Tiger's harsh self appraisal is not unique in the world of competitive performers, as can be attested to by many of the formerly talented athletes and artists who have quit their avocation or even committed suicide when their work has been considered less than the best in the world. "You know, K. J. Choi was ahead of me a couple of times on the leader board," said the tearful Tiger. "You know why he uses his initials? It's because his name is Kim Jong. And it reminded me that Kim Jong-il purportedly shot the best round of golf ever, thirty-eight under par, with six holes in one. I thought if maybe I could match or surpass that achievement... but I can't beat Kim Jong-il, I can't even beat Kim Jong Choi. Why should I even try anymore? I'm not and I won't and I'm going to take some more time off. Maybe forever." "It was kind of a shock, much like that exploding golf ball he slipped me," said Phil Mickelson, who won his third Masters in spite of suffering second-degree burns. "Like everyone else, I assumed that Tiger would come back so rested after his six months off that he would totally dominate the field, so I'm feeling pretty guilty about my victory. I guess the one good thing to come of all this is the opportunity to see the tremendous spiritual and emotional growth Tiger has undergone."

Now On News Stands Everywhere!

Pawlenty Palace Pummeled

Tiger Woods impersonator outside of Governor Pawlenty's mansion Tiger Woods was detained briefly for questioning early this afternoon in an investigation of golf club related vandalism at Minnesota Governor Tim Pawlenty's official residence, but was released a short time later when his alibi was able to be verified. The incident occurred a few hours after Pawlenty had spoken at the CPAC convention, telling the audience that they should emulate Woods' wife by destroying the government. "She said she was fed up, she wasn't going to take it anymore," he told the happy freedom fighters. "We should take a page out of her playbook. Take a 9-iron and smash the window of big government in this country." Shortly thereafter surveillance video captured someone taking a 9-iron and smashing the first floor windows of Pawlenty's big government mansion. According to federal agent Stan Marcus, "Our calculations showed that Tiger would have had to travel from Ponte Vedra, Florida to St. Paul, Minnesota and back in less than three hours in order for him to have been the perpetrator, and unless you've got a rocket ship, that's just not possible." Woods does have a rocket ship, but was able to prove that it was in the shop at the time of the incident. "We had every reason to consider him as the prime suspect," said J. Herndon, who also questioned Woods. "Governor Pawlenty dissed him, dissed his wife, and quite frankly, gave him an almost irresistible challenge. And then there was the video..." "Don't get us wrong," interjected Agent Marcus. "We knew that the subject in that video was wearing a mask, but we couldn't discount the possibility that it was actually Tiger Woods wearing a Tiger Woods mask. That would have been fiendishly clever, and quite frankly, we wouldn't have blamed him for it. As far as the Bureau's take on the matter, we really hate to see these politicians kick a man when he's down."

so close to news

FOX News is just now learning news of a horrible accident involving golf legend Tiger Woods. At 2:25 last night, when most normal people should have been sound asleep, the thirty-three year old PGA star rammed his 2009 Cadillac Escalade into a fire hydrant, after which he rammed it into a tree, and then into God knows what else. His injuries are said to be serious, although at this time, FOX News does not have sufficient information to call them life threatening. While the Florida Highway Patrol has ruled out the use of alcohol in this bizarre story, they have thus far not commented on the possible role that drugs may have played. Stay tuned for updates.

FOX News is now able to say conclusively that the injuries sustained by possibly hopped-up PGA golfing legend Tiger Woods are indeed life threatening, as, according to unconfirmed sources, he has just died. A toxicology exam has not yet been performed, but FOX News will be bringing you important updates as they happen. Stay tuned for our special coverage, which will replace the regularly scheduled O'Reilly Factor, and probably run for most of the weekend.

FOX News has just learned that the world of sports was the subject of a massive hoax earlier today, and that thirty-three year old golf legend Tiger Woods is not only no longer dead, but that he has been released from the hospital with only minor cuts and scratches. Our sources tell us that these 'ouchies' may yet prove to be inconsistent with the type of trauma usually associated with trees and fire hydrants. FOX News has received no official word as to what drugs Woods may or not have been on at the time of the hoax. Stay tuned to FOX News for updates.