"I suck"

"I'm feeble," sobbed Tiger Woods, as cameras brazenly approached him just outside the eighteenth green at the Masters Tournament. "I only enter events to win and I didn't get it done. Don't expect me to smile or act happy. I'm not number one, I'm not number two, at this moment in time I'm not even the third best golfer in the world. It's humiliating. I suck donkey dicks." Tiger's harsh self appraisal is not unique in the world of competitive performers, as can be attested to by many of the formerly talented athletes and artists who have quit their avocation or even committed suicide when their work has been considered less than the best in the world. "You know, K. J. Choi was ahead of me a couple of times on the leader board," said the tearful Tiger. "You know why he uses his initials? It's because his name is Kim Jong. And it reminded me that Kim Jong-il purportedly shot the best round of golf ever, thirty-eight under par, with six holes in one. I thought if maybe I could match or surpass that achievement... but I can't beat Kim Jong-il, I can't even beat Kim Jong Choi. Why should I even try anymore? I'm not and I won't and I'm going to take some more time off. Maybe forever." "It was kind of a shock, much like that exploding golf ball he slipped me," said Phil Mickelson, who won his third Masters in spite of suffering second-degree burns. "Like everyone else, I assumed that Tiger would come back so rested after his six months off that he would totally dominate the field, so I'm feeling pretty guilty about my victory. I guess the one good thing to come of all this is the opportunity to see the tremendous spiritual and emotional growth Tiger has undergone."