Saturday, April 10, 2010

Virginia felons get new writes

As part of the celebration of Confederate History Month, Governor Bob McDonnell has introduced new requirements for nonviolent felons trying to have their voting rights restored, requirements that are nostalgically reminiscent of the literacy tests from the good old days of yore.

Virginia, which is one of only two states that require the governor to sign off on the restoration of voting rights, will now become the first ever to require that felons submit an essay detailing their contributions to society since their release from prison.

"After suffering through two Democratic governors, this state has become a little too... sissified, for lack of a better word," explains McDonnell. "You know, Virginia is for lovers and all that. I want to put some teeth in that - Virginia is for gun lovers, Virginia is for God lovers, and Virginia is for lovers of the Confederacy, but no way is Virginia for criminal loving liberals, and from now on, if you're going to do the crime, you're going to write the essay."

"Five hundred words, 12pt Times New Roman, double-spaced on bonded paper," chuckles McDonnell. "Spelling counts. Each essay should be accompanied with an 8x10 glossy of the felon looking really sorry, and a fifty dollar processing fee."

The governor dismisses black leaders and civil rights groups who say this is a method of disenfranchising black voters and poor people in general. "We take it as a given that any ex-con trying to get a job in this state is going to be poor, and there's no way on earth we have of knowing whether an essayist is black or white. Except for the photos. And we're only looking at those to see whether they look sorry or not."

McDonnell also brushes aside concerns that evaluations of the essays might be somewhat subjective. "We've hired a group of Carmelite Nuns to read these essays. They're the most objective Nuns in the world, so there shouldn't be any problem. They'll be ranking the essays on four factors: grammar, plausibility, continuity, and spirituality. And a word to the wise, here. I would suggest foregoing the use of any profanity."


  1. We've hired a group of Carmelite Nuns to read these essays