Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Pawlenty turns up the excitement

"I should be considered the frontrunner by now," muses former governor Tim Pawlenty, Minnesota's other Republican presidential hopeful. "Everybody says so, at least everybody on MSNBC. It would be nice if FOX would get behind me, or really, any of the conservative media, because that would help immensely with the low profile thing I've got going on. It might also help out with the 'boring' label I've been stuck with. Me boring? I should say not. Just because I'm not a philandering old disgraced relic from the nineties or a black pizza mogul or Sarah Palin doesn't mean I'm boring. People, just get to know this face, because after the deluge of media coverage I'm expecting from my newly unveiled economic plan, the last thing you should expect to hear is that Tim Pawlenty is boring."
"As I'm sure you've already heard, once I'm president, I plan on lowering the top tax rate to 25% and getting rid of the capitol gains tax and interest tax and all of those other annoying little taxes that most of us find so taxing. Heh heh, see, I can make a pun with the best of them. but lets not get sidetracked by our moment of mirth because there's more. I will cut the top rate on businesses from 35% to 15%. Still think I'm boring? Paul Ryan said he would cut the top corporate rate to 25% and everybody's running around like oh my God this is the most exciting thing I've ever heard and I thought 'sounds a little lame to me' so I decided to give the American people some real excitement. I've been around, and I think I know a thing or two about how energized people get over a good corporate tax cut. Booyah, Paul Ryan! I guess we know who the true visionary is around here."
"What's my secret to implementing this without exploding the deficit. I've got an exciting answer for you. I intend to have economic growth of 5% annually as opposed to this anemic little 2% that President Obama is giving us. Honestly, I don't know why the man isn't trying harder. I guess he's satisfied with doing just enough to get by, but that's not good enough for Tim Pawlenty. I want 5% and I want it for ten years in a row. Hey, it's not an impossible dream, because in the dream world anything can happen. There's historical precedent, too. Between 1983 and 1987 we had 4.9% growth. Then between 1996 and 1999 we had 4.7% growth. Add those two together and you've got over seven years where the times were almost as good as what I'm going to give you. That's 70% of the way to my goal! Are those some exciting numbers or what?"
"I'll bet you're psyched, because if you're doing the math along with me you've probably already figured out that after ten years we would have raised nearly four trillion in new tax revenue. That's enough to cut our projected deficit by a heck of a lot! But, unfortunately, not enough. We're going to have to have a lot of cuts, what some folks might be calling a lot of suffering. But is it really suffering? No, it's growing as a nation, and it's an adventure! Maybe the naysayers should spend a few weeks in Minnesota in February sometime and see what real suffering is like. Heh he. That's a little joke at my own expense."
"Anyway, read my plan, and I'm pretty certain it's going to turn you into a Pawlenty patriot. It's really short, just a summary, but there's so many exciting things in there, that you'll be talking about it for days. Like my Google Test, where if you can find a good or service on the internet, you sure as heck don't need for the government to be providing it. And I'm positive that after you investigate my idea to implement the efficiency plan Lean Six Sigma across the government and using performance-based management practices to streamline organizational programs, you'll never hear 'Tim Pawlenty' and 'boring' in the same sentence again. See you the next few days, all over the media."

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