Friday, January 28, 2011

hotline to Cairo

"Hello, presidential palace..."
"President Mubarak, this is Barack Obama. We've urgently been trying to reach you, but phone service is down and Ambassador Scobey says that nobody is answering the door at your residence."
"And does she say the lights are all out?"
"No, she said the palace is lit up like a Christmas tree."
"Well, that is proof positive that I... that President Mubarak is not afraid of his own people. The palace is indeed as bright as a Red Roof Inn. Let me see if our great leader is available for speaking, Mister Obama... Oh President... President Mubarak... No, I'm sorry, the president is not available at the moment. I believe he mentioned something about water cannons. Can I have him call you?"
"President Mubarak, I know this is you. This is Hillary Clinton."
"Ah, my old friend Hillary. What, did President Obama have you on speakerphone?"
"Hi, Hillary..."
"Oh, hi Suzanne... President Mubarak, we told you to embrace reform now, or there'd be hell to pay, and now you've got your military in the..."
"Pardon me, Hillary, I smell something burning in the kitchen. Suzanne, can you check on those eggs?"
"Hosni, this is Obama again. Did you shoot Mohamed ElBaradei with a water cannon?"
"ElBaradei, ElBaradei... Is he the bald fellow with a mustache, perhaps in his mid-sixties? No, I don't recall shooting him with a water cannon..."
"Bullshit, we've got people on the street. And you know ElBaradei. He's the guy who's going to lead the transitional government after you step down."
"Moi? But I don't intend to step down. I am quite comfortable ruling Egypt, and it does have certain perks..."
"It does not. Make him step down, President Obama. And let me speak to Hilary."
"Suzanne? Look, this is very..."
"I'm waiting..."
"Suzanne, this is Hilary. I don't have..."
"Oh my god, Hilary, you don't know what it's been like. All of our servants have deserted us, and I'm stuck here all alone. Hosni shut down FaceBook and Twitter and this is the only working phone in Cairo... I just burned the eggs... Did you hear me? I'm cooking eggs because there's nobody else here and that's all I can cook. I want to go to Saudi Arabia now, before they storm the palace, but Hosni won't listen to a word I say..."
"Suzanne, we need to talk to President Mubarak."
"Why so formal, Hilary? Oh god, whatever happened to sisterhood..."
"Hello, presidential palace..."
"Mubarak, quit playing games. Your wife already told us that all of your staff had deserted."

"All except for Mostafa, that is. They always seem to forget about me. Hold just a second... Mister President... Mister President... I'm sorry, he doesn't seem to be around right now. Can I take a message and have him call you back?"

1 comment: