GOP unveils exciting new PowerPoint presentation

Casually dressed in an attempt to avoid being confused with despicable 'real politicians', the GOP House leadership appeared this morning at Moe's Lumber Yard in Sterling, Virginia, to unveil their latest PowerPoint presentation, 'A Pledge to America'. Unlike previous pledges to America, this one contained 21 pages, several of which had actual words printed on them. The charts, however, continued the proud Republican tradition of being quite colorful. "I must say that I'm quite proud of this one," said Kevin McCarthy, the congressman in charge of developing the pledge (which in a remarkable display of dexterity also serves as a plan). "Four staffers, three weeks, and worth every man-hour. There in the center is the Secretary of Health and Human Services, as you can plainly see. We could have just put in a picture of Kathleen Sebelius, but this chart is meant to be completely reusable unless something changes. Now look at all the circles around her. Makes you mad, doesn't it? Hell yeah, it makes you mad. You're not going to see nearly that many circles after we retake the House, although we do intend to retain enough diamonds and rectangles to meet the public need." "Now this one here you'll no doubt find mind boggling. I know my mind was boggled, which unfortunately isn't that uncommon an occurrence up here on Capitol Hill. I never in my life thought that I'd have to use puce on a pie chart, but it's a pretty graphic representation of just how man types of Federal assistance there are. For God's sake, you either assist somebody or you don't, you shouldn't have to go through every color in the rainbow... Not that there's puce in the rainbow... The GOP is making a pledge that we will consolidate some of the more attractive slices into one considerably smaller pie to be called the Department of Assistance." Here's a chart that's liable to give you the heebie-jeebies. I know it certainly scared the crap out of me. It shows just how many times martial law has been declared in the past four sessions of Congress. Now as you can clearly see, the Democrats have used it even more than we have. The plain fact is, though, that we've both used it too much, so we're pledging that when we're back in power that we'll only declare martial law once and keep it there, rather than all this wasteful vacillation. There are certain agenda items that are so well known that we saw no reason to state them again in this agenda. We fully intend to restore and augment the Bush tax cuts, put an end to illegal immigration, loosen burdensome financial regulations, and above all, repeal health care reform. This is our pledge to America. These are things that should be and will be done. But what if due to massive voter fraud we somehow fail to take back the House this November? That bring us to our final chart, which should be self-explanatory.