Friday, April 1, 2011

somebody wants a fatwa

"I categorically deny that I am a contemptible motherfucker," declared Pastor Terry Jones in the wake of a violent 20,000 person strong Afghani riot that killed at least a dozen people, seven of which were U.N. workers. "I take words literally, and that describes an act that I have never indulged in. By the same token, I deny being a despicable son of a bitch. There are those who have called me a loathsome bastard, but I have a birth certificate that proves them wrong. I am not quibbling with people's choices of adjectives, but their nouns are way off base."
In case you missed it - and the Afghanis most assuredly did not - the odious miscreant who gained worldwide attention by threatening to burn a Koran at his 'church' last summer quietly made good on his threat last week, with the resultant violent reaction just now beginning to fan out across the Middle East.
"Odious miscreant? I like that," said Jones. "It more accurately describes me as an individual. But let me ask you honestly, was this particular act really so horrible? All I did was host a little church social where we put the Koran on trial. When we found it guilty, we had no choice other than to punish it. Think about it. You couldn't really call it a trial, if there wasn't a punishment, so we sentenced it to death and executed it. Soaked that vile book in kerosene, put it on a metal tray, and lit it up with a barbeque lighter. Then we all danced around the fire in a circle and masturbated."
As might be expected, the depraved asshole takes no responsibility for the repercussions of his actions, claiming that Muslims "used the Koran burning as an excuse to promote their violent activities".
"I categorically deny that I am a depraved asshole," replies Jones. "I have an asshole but it is not the totality of my being. Lets just stick with odious miscreant and call it a day."


  1. Mark,
    Nice work my friend. Funny and sickening all in one fell swoop. Enter Pastor Terry "Fatwa" Jones!

  2. But, Mark, Pastor Jones only 'supervised' the burning of the Koran. John Wayne Sapp did the actual burning. No, wait a minute, the fuel did the actual burning. That's not right: it was the spark that lit the fuel that did the actual burning. That's not quite right, either. If the Koran hadn't been printed on paper, it wouldn't have burned when John Wayne Sapp, under the supervision of Pastor Jones, produced a spark to light the fuel that burned the paper. Like I was saying, it was the Muslims' fault.

  3. I think this has the makings of a play.

  4. This comment has been removed by the author.

  5. In Western culture you may criticize anything. Terry Jones and Western culture need to be protected. Terry Jones did what he wanted in America, not in an Islamic country. Terry Jones is a law abiding man. Islamic terrorists who issue fatwas on Americans are Islamic terrorists just as Osama bin Laden was an Islamic terrorist. I am pro Western culture and pro Terry Jones not pro Islamic terrorist.