Go Michael!

Did I hear you right, Chairman Steele? Did you really just give me an exclusive?

In a manner of speaking I did, Geraldo. I mean, this is the same thing I said in a speech Thursday night, but it's the first time I've said it on television - the United States should get out of Afghanistan. It's a war of Obama's choosing and it's probably a lost cause.

Wow, this is great. You know I don't get a lot of exclusives these days like I did back when I was a young buck.

Times change, Geraldo, but some things never change, like the inability of anyone in the last thousand years to engage in land war in Afghanistan.

A thousand years is about how long it feels since I last had an exclusive. I guess in 2008 when I was in Galveston and got knocked over by the storm surge debris live on the air was a bit of an exclusive, but the other media outlets never really picked up on it...

Uh huh. I tell you, Geraldo, I actually thought it was downright funny when General McChrystal got fired, because he should have known better than to be caught up in that mess.

You know what the problem is? My time slot. Weekends at 10PM, following Mike Huckabee of all people. Nobody wants to give you an exclusive with a time slot like that...

Rahm? Hey it's me. Can you get your butt over here to the office ASAP? There's something on FOX News that you're not going to want to miss.

Yeah, boss, what's up?

It's Michael Steele on the Geraldo show, and he's coming out against the war in Afghanistan.

I'm telling you, boss, that idiot is suicidal. Let me grab a couple beers out of the fridge.

Let's talk turkey for a moment, Chairman Steele... Isn't the rest of the Republican Party going to crucify you for your remarks?

They've tried and failed before, Geraldo. Sure, Bill Kristol and a few of the far right bloggers are getting their panties in a wad, but I think by the time this show airs tomorrow they'll agree with me.

Seriously? I guess I'd have to say that strikes me as a little bit counterintuitive.

Not really, Geraldo. After all, the GOP's recent surge in the polls has all been based on opposing President Obama, and it seems to me that we've totally missed the boat on Afghanistan.

So you think that by reversing position and opposing the war you could actually attract more voters than you would lose?

I know we could. That war represents billions of American dollars that could help bring relief to the economy Obama has destroyed through tax cuts, and also destroy his dream of a second term.

I believe what I hear you saying is that if Obama loses the war, it would be his Waterloo.

No, Geraldo. It would be his Afghanistan.

You know, Rahm, I wasn't particularly happy with the sound of that. They want to make me the star of a brand new metaphor. Could that possibly work?

Hmm... Well, there's no way Steele could get the entire GOP on that page, but with enough votes, particularly if they take a lot of seats in November, they could be in a position to cut off funding...

And then we wouldn't have any other option than to start bringing the troops home.

Right. But keep in mind America's obsession with losing a war, even an unpopular one. By 2012, there would be a tremendous amount of finger pointing, and none of it would be at you.

So not only would we finally be out of that shit-hole, but the voters would blame the Republicans?

We would be out of that shit-hole and people would blame the Republicans.

Go Michael! Go Michael! Go Michael! Go Michael!

Goodnight Chairman Steele, and thank you for that marvelous exclusive.

Eric Massa Comix

What are you doing? I don't like the way you're looking at me, Beck. Like I'm some sorta piece of meat or something... Hey! Hey! Watch the finger. What the fuck, are you trying to poke me?
Of course not, Congressman... or should I say, ex-Congressman Massa. I'm simply trying to point out that you seem to be a sort of bellwether for the fate of the Democratic Party.
Well, it sure looked as though you were trying to poke me with that meaty protuberance of yours. And don't call me a bellwether... Uh, is that a good thing or a bad thing?
You're a guest on this show, so of course it's meant as a good thing. I'm saying that you are amongst the first of many Democrats who will be forced to leave Congress because of controversy and scandal.
Oh yeah, I guess you mean Democrat dissidents like me who will be forced to unjustly leave Congress. But if you want to talk about scandal...
I do, I do... Such as the scandal of saying you were resigning from Congress because of cancer when the truth is you were facing sexual harassment charges. From guys. Go on and talk, ex-Congressman, I'm hanging onto your every little word.
I submit to you that sexual harassment charges are a form of cancer when they're based on nothing but lies and innuendo. And bogus on top of that. I was driven out of the Democratic Party because I was the deciding vote on health care, and my vote was a resounding NO.
I like the NO part, ex-Congressman, but you were voting no because you didn't think the bill was Socialistic enough. So, just who was this very scary individual that forced you to resign?
That person, if you can even call such a monstrosity a person, was Barrack Obama's hatchet man - Rahm Emanuel.
Yes, Rahm Emanuel, the very spawn of Satan himself! He would do anything to win a vote, a man who would waterboard his own mother, a man who freezes holy water into ice cubes for the purpose of chilling his own Bloody Marys, a beast who would spread vicious lies to destroy a man like Eric Massa.
Holy cow, ex-Congressman, this is so much worse than the American people might even realize. I think we all know that the Obama administration is filled with Chicago thugs, but Rahm Emanuel is the worst.
Hey Glenn, wanna hear a funny story? It wasn't that amusing when it happened to me, but your audience might get a kick out of it. And it involves a lot of male nudity.
Do go on.
Well, this happened when I had just been in office for a few weeks. I was down at the congressional gym, where I was naked as a jaybird because I was taking a shower, you know? So I'm lathering up, and I take a peek outside my stall and who do you think I see staring intently at me? Rahm Emanuel. And he's naked as a jaybird, not even a towel around his tush. And I had to ask myself ,what the heck is Rahm Emanuel doing here in the congressional gym, naked as a jaybird?
This story seems to have a lot of jaybirds in it, ex-Congressman, but go ahead and tell me, what was Rahm Emanuel doing in the congressional gym, and why was he staring at you?
He was coming to take my vote, Glenn, and I wasn't about to let that happen. We were both as naked as jaybirds, yes, we had that much in common, but I was going to vote against the president's budget and Rahm Emanuel wasn't about to let that occur.
Before I knew what was happening, Rahm Emanuel walked right into my shower and began poking me in the chest. With his finger. And he was shouting at me and the next thing I knew we had tumbled to the floor, both naked as jaybirds, and he was punching me and poking me and prodding me, all in a futile attempt to get my vote. I maintained my integrity that time, but he's hated me ever since day, and now it looks like he wins.
Huh. Well, as much as I would like to believe your story, ex-Congressman Massa, I think that you are trying to deceive my vast audience in, if you'll pardon the pun, a naked attempt to garner sympathy and deflect attention away from your own misdeeds. Rahm Emanuel is too cool and calculating a political operative to risk his credibility on an individual of your minor consequence. And now, this interview has reached it's conclusion.
Do you know how awkward it is to have a political argument with a naked man?
No I don't. That's it for the show today, folks. Join me again tomorrow when I shall have no guest except for my chalkboard and the eyes of the nation.
Whew, boy, I'm glad to have that hour over and done. That guy was really starting to give me the creeps... How do you think the show went?
About as good as could be expected. I appreciate it, Glenn. Drinks are on me.