the great escape

Hamid? This is Barrack Obama. I wanted to... What do you mean you'll check to see if he's in the office today? Listen, President Karzai, I recognize your voice, I know it's you. I wanted to say that I was really disturbed to hear that you let the Taliban free 500 of their people from Sarposa prison last night... Only 486? Well, that's really not a lot of difference... Yes, I know it's fourteen less, but I... And you were able to recapture 26? Goody gumdrop, that's only 460 left to go... Goody gumdrop? That's an American expression. It means that you're not really making things a hell of a lot better... Well good, it's good to know that you feel bad about it too.   The thing is, you keep assuring me that you're ready to provide for your own country's security but this is just another indication to me that you're not even close... I'm sorry that was hurtful, but you know I always try to be straight with you. How could such a thing even happen... Right... Uh huh... I already knew it was a great big tunnel. I guess you misunderstood my question. What I'm asking is where was your security? Where were the guards? What was... You let everybody take their lunch break at the same time? I almost believe that... No, it is not a great excuse... Because I've got pictures right here on my desk along with a fresh intelligence report... What does it say? You're kidding, right... Well, I don't suppose I can blame you for not trusting your own intelligence sources.   Look, the hole they escaped through was pretty small, just big enough for one prisoner at a time, and then they had to crawl a thousand feet to exit. We figure even if they were hustling, even if the Taliban were beating feet, it had to take the at least four or five hours to get everybody out. Probably longer. And you're telling me that your most dangerous prisoners are spending that much time crawling down a hole and nobody in the prison is going to notice? That is... Yes, yes that does look pretty bad... Somebody's going to get fired? Well good, somebody should get fired. A lot of people should get fired. Because there's also the matter of the keys... The keys? You've probably seen the inside of a prison before... No, I'm implying no such thing. I'm just saying you know the layout... You've got an escape tunnel which leads to a cell, okay? So you go in, rescue the people in that cell, and then what? You've got to unlock that cell so you can go and unlock the other cells. And anyway you cut it that's a lot of keys... You keep twenty men to a cell? That's still twenty-five keys, Hamid, and that's an inside job.   Yeah, well I certainly do hope you try to do better... No, I'm not trying to nag you, it's just that we're not going to be there forever... I get it. I know you're glad about that. But I'd hate to see your country descend into total chaos. And Hamid? I don't think that would work out very well for you either... Okay. I'll keep in touch... You have a nice day too.

The Confidence Builder

In a move designed to renew confidence in the nation's military mission in Afghanistan, General Petraeus appeared this morning in a pre-taped interview on 'Good Morning, America', stoking up enthusiasm for the effort to an all time high.   "I think-no commander ever is going to come out and say, ‘I'm confident that we can do this'," Petraeus said in response to George Stephanopoulos' question about whether we could maybe get out of the godforsaken country by 2014, please.   The General  noted that we had a 'reasonable prospect' of victory, but emphasized that "I don't think there are any sure things in this kind of endeavor.  And I wouldn't be honest with you and with the viewers if I didn't convey that."   "You know, honesty is the most important attribute that a good commander can possess," he continued. "Not to deemphasize intelligence, because that's important also. Without intelligence, you really wouldn't be able to come up with good strategy. So intelligence and honesty... Well, bravery, I suppose that goes without saying. It gets pretty scary out there sometimes. Those Taliban can be pretty frightening, not to mention the al-Qaeda, who are downright terrifying. Not to me personally, but still. Of course we've rooted out pretty much all of the al-Qaeda. They're hiding out in Pakistan because they're a little short in the bravery department. Honesty is extremely important, though, but I guess it ranks third behind intelligence and... Hold on a minute, George, I left out cunning. You can have the most intelligent strategy in the world, but you need more than a little cunning to execute it. And I guess I should throw in stamina. I mean, Christ, how long have we been fighting in that shit-hole now? Almost a decade, isn't it? Yeah, if it wasn't for stamina, I would have been out of there long ago. So like I said, intelligence, cunning, bravery, stamina and honesty are the most important attributes of a good commander. That, and the trust of the American people, although there's not a whole hell of a lot I can do about that one but be as honest as possible and admit that I have no idea if we're accomplishing anything at all in that corrupt little cesspool, but if we are, I can assure you that it all will have been worthwhile. Of course, I've got to admit that's a little bit of a value judgment on my part. Hey, just being honest here."

progress continues

“Not too shabby for the world’s second most corrupt country,” mused Secretary of State Hillary Clinton as she surveyed the results of Afghanistan’s parliamentary elections. “Sure, there was widespread fraud during this round, but only enough to affect the results in about a third of the provinces. That’s a passing grade in anybody’s book, and almost as good as South Carolina.” “I knew we could do it,” said proud president Hamid Karzai. “I knew Afghanistan could have elections that weren’t completely fraudulent. Why, all you have to do is look back at the last election of me in order to see the enormous progress we’ve made. You know, we haven’t had a bloody coup in years, which is really fortunate from my personal point of view.” “What a long strange trip it’s been,” Karzai continued, taking a deep, reflective draw on the presidential hookah. “Just in the course of my brief lifetime, Afghanistan has been a monarchy, a theocracy, we’ve had a military junta and a communist state, and here we are today, a not quite entirely corrupt Islamic Republic. We are quite the versatile country, are we not? We’ve been everything but a utopian society.” “It’s true that they’re a long way from being a utopian society, although usually when I see President Karzai he does seem to be on a higher plane,” said General David Petraeus. “The important thing is that Afghanistan is a couple steps up from a completely dystopian society, and I guess that surely justifies the American sacrifice. Whatever, I just go where they tell me to go.” “I’m reviewing the reports on the irregularities, and the thing that really stands out is the absence of total mayhem,” notes Petraeus, who admits that he’s anxious to get this legacy tarnishing tour of duty behind him. “I know there are some, like Senator McCain, who thought we would need to be in Afghanistan for a hundred years. Believe me, nobody needs that sort of heartache, and thankfully the Afghan people have stepped up. Sure, there was ballot stuffing, but that just demonstrates how much the people love voting. There was some intimidation of election officials, some vote buying, and some handcuffing and detention of election workers. But you’ll also note that no candidates were assassinated and there were no reports of massive voter execution.” “That was pretty sweet,“ agreed President Obama. “And my goodness, just look at the time. It’s already half way to August 2011. I guess we’ve done about all we can. Time to get out of Dodgedihar.”

　

intelligence failure

A report unearthed by the Wikileaks documents cast doubts on both U.S. And Pakistani intelligence, demonstrating a severe lack of it on both sides. The case involves a warning by American intelligence that Pakistan's ISI (Directorate of Inter-Services Intelligence) launched a plot in 2007 to poison the beer of American forces, as well as any infidel Afghan soldiers foolish enough to imbibe the Devil's brew. "Insidious, yes," said Col Dave Madson, stationed at the time near Kandahar, "and the truth is, we never trusted the ISI any further than we could throw them. But given the fact that Pakistan forbids the export of alcohol and the reality that we have no Forward Operating Bases there, you'd have to say it wasn't a very well thought out plot. They would have had to smuggle the beer onto American bases and then somehow get it inside of our locked storerooms. Heh heh heh, can't you just imagine their spies stopped at a checkpoint with a case of Bud light under their arms? Treacherous bunch of dumbasses." One American who doesn't believe the plot was all that dumb is James Yeager, a U.S. geologist who was advising Afghanistan's Ministry of Mines. Yeager, returned to his quarters in Kabul one evening to find it had been burglarized. The intruder had taken money, but in a show of reciprocity had left behind a bottle of Corona. This being Kabul, the uninvestigated bottle remained on Yeager's table where he treated it like dirt, ignoring it for two weeks because Corona is his least favorite beer. Then came the dreadful night when his alcohol stash ran low. "I pulled it out and when I popped it there was no fizz and the cap was loose," Yeager said. "Because this one didn’t have fizz you wonder if it went rancid or not, and I just kind of sniffed it and I went 'Oh, that doesn’t smell like beer'." Being a geochemist, Yeager decided that the beer did not smell at all like malt and barley, but a lot more like sulfuric acid. Pouring it into a toilet where it foamed and fizzed left "no question" in his mind as to the beer's true nature. "I work internationally a lot and it’s just one of those things... It’s entertaining. You just go on," Yeager laughed, saying he had thought "Who cares, I’m going home." "Ludicrously naive," said General Ahmad Shuja Pasha, director of the ISI. "I'm not just talking about James Yeager, who aside from being a geologist and geochemist is also apparently a rocket scientist. I'm talking about American Intelligence, who allowed the Wikileaks incident to occur, giving valuable information like this away. Not that I intend to poison any Americans, but if I wanted to I now know better than to use a faulty delivery system such as a Corona. Col Madson inadvertently tipped me off to the fact that Bud Light would have been much more effective. Furthermore, I believe this is proof that Americans will view without suspicion any beer that comes into their possession. Heh heh heh, I tell you, what with the rising cost of IEDs, poisoned roadside six-packs would be a cheap alternative. Gullible bunch of dumbasses."

Go Michael!

Did I hear you right, Chairman Steele? Did you really just give me an exclusive?

In a manner of speaking I did, Geraldo. I mean, this is the same thing I said in a speech Thursday night, but it's the first time I've said it on television - the United States should get out of Afghanistan. It's a war of Obama's choosing and it's probably a lost cause.

Wow, this is great. You know I don't get a lot of exclusives these days like I did back when I was a young buck.

Times change, Geraldo, but some things never change, like the inability of anyone in the last thousand years to engage in land war in Afghanistan.

A thousand years is about how long it feels since I last had an exclusive. I guess in 2008 when I was in Galveston and got knocked over by the storm surge debris live on the air was a bit of an exclusive, but the other media outlets never really picked up on it...

Uh huh. I tell you, Geraldo, I actually thought it was downright funny when General McChrystal got fired, because he should have known better than to be caught up in that mess.

You know what the problem is? My time slot. Weekends at 10PM, following Mike Huckabee of all people. Nobody wants to give you an exclusive with a time slot like that...

Rahm? Hey it's me. Can you get your butt over here to the office ASAP? There's something on FOX News that you're not going to want to miss.

Yeah, boss, what's up?

It's Michael Steele on the Geraldo show, and he's coming out against the war in Afghanistan.

I'm telling you, boss, that idiot is suicidal. Let me grab a couple beers out of the fridge.

Let's talk turkey for a moment, Chairman Steele... Isn't the rest of the Republican Party going to crucify you for your remarks?

They've tried and failed before, Geraldo. Sure, Bill Kristol and a few of the far right bloggers are getting their panties in a wad, but I think by the time this show airs tomorrow they'll agree with me.

Seriously? I guess I'd have to say that strikes me as a little bit counterintuitive.

Not really, Geraldo. After all, the GOP's recent surge in the polls has all been based on opposing President Obama, and it seems to me that we've totally missed the boat on Afghanistan.

So you think that by reversing position and opposing the war you could actually attract more voters than you would lose?

I know we could. That war represents billions of American dollars that could help bring relief to the economy Obama has destroyed through tax cuts, and also destroy his dream of a second term.

I believe what I hear you saying is that if Obama loses the war, it would be his Waterloo.

No, Geraldo. It would be his Afghanistan.

You know, Rahm, I wasn't particularly happy with the sound of that. They want to make me the star of a brand new metaphor. Could that possibly work?

Hmm... Well, there's no way Steele could get the entire GOP on that page, but with enough votes, particularly if they take a lot of seats in November, they could be in a position to cut off funding...

And then we wouldn't have any other option than to start bringing the troops home.

Right. But keep in mind America's obsession with losing a war, even an unpopular one. By 2012, there would be a tremendous amount of finger pointing, and none of it would be at you.

So not only would we finally be out of that shit-hole, but the voters would blame the Republicans?

We would be out of that shit-hole and people would blame the Republicans.

Go Michael! Go Michael! Go Michael! Go Michael!

Goodnight Chairman Steele, and thank you for that marvelous exclusive.

Karzai increasingly feisty

Afghanistan's President Hamid Karzai lashed out again at the West this weekend, accusing the United States of interfering in Afghan affairs. Karzai's remarks came just two days after his apology to Hillary Clinton for accusing the US of rigging the Afghan election (which he miraculously won anyway). "Just what makes Captain Obvious think the we're interfering in his country's affairs," said the exasperated Secretary of State. "Is it the 100,000 troops we have fighting there, or the billions of dollars worth of aid that he keeps misdirecting? Honestly, sometimes I don't even know why we bother. Wait, I remember why. Because if we weren't fighting in that hellhole, the Republicans would say we're soft on terror." Karzai, who has been getting increasingly cozy with Iran, has begun visiting tribal elders and telling them they have veto power over any further military operations, implying that the insurgency may soon be legitimized as a national resistance. "Well that's opening up a whole new can of worms, isn't it?" said General Stanley McChrystal, lead Commander in Afghanistan. "Of course, a can of worms is considered a delicacy in this godforsaken wasteland, but the point is, I surely don't savor the idea of being considered an occupier rather than a liberator. I suppose it would be unsoldierly of me to say this whole thing is starting to look like a lost cause, wouldn't it? Yeah, that's what I thought, so I won't say it." Karzai appeared to have reached the boiling point on Saturday when he met with Parliament to berate them for refusing to give him the power to appoint all the members of the Electoral Complaints Commission. "If you and the international community pressure me more," he told them, "I swear that I am going to join the Taliban." "Whoops-a-daisy," said Clinton, upon hearing these remarks. "I think I see a possible solution to our Karzai problem."

In the least surprising announcement since forever, Barack Obama today announced that some time next week he intends to announce his strategy for Afghanistan. Prior to that widely expected declaration he made the similarly unstartling claims that he had 'a comprehensive strategy' and that it was his intention to 'finish the job'. Obama refused to say when he intends to make his strategy announcement or how many troops will be involved, although the answers to those questions are widely believed to be 8:00 PM Tuesday and 34,000. "I feel very confident that when the American people hear a clear rationale for what we're doing there and how we intend to achieve our goals, they will be supportive," Obama said, without the slightest hint of irony in his voice.