the great escape

Hamid? This is Barrack Obama. I wanted to... What do you mean you'll check to see if he's in the office today? Listen, President Karzai, I recognize your voice, I know it's you. I wanted to say that I was really disturbed to hear that you let the Taliban free 500 of their people from Sarposa prison last night... Only 486? Well, that's really not a lot of difference... Yes, I know it's fourteen less, but I... And you were able to recapture 26? Goody gumdrop, that's only 460 left to go... Goody gumdrop? That's an American expression. It means that you're not really making things a hell of a lot better... Well good, it's good to know that you feel bad about it too.   The thing is, you keep assuring me that you're ready to provide for your own country's security but this is just another indication to me that you're not even close... I'm sorry that was hurtful, but you know I always try to be straight with you. How could such a thing even happen... Right... Uh huh... I already knew it was a great big tunnel. I guess you misunderstood my question. What I'm asking is where was your security? Where were the guards? What was... You let everybody take their lunch break at the same time? I almost believe that... No, it is not a great excuse... Because I've got pictures right here on my desk along with a fresh intelligence report... What does it say? You're kidding, right... Well, I don't suppose I can blame you for not trusting your own intelligence sources.   Look, the hole they escaped through was pretty small, just big enough for one prisoner at a time, and then they had to crawl a thousand feet to exit. We figure even if they were hustling, even if the Taliban were beating feet, it had to take the at least four or five hours to get everybody out. Probably longer. And you're telling me that your most dangerous prisoners are spending that much time crawling down a hole and nobody in the prison is going to notice? That is... Yes, yes that does look pretty bad... Somebody's going to get fired? Well good, somebody should get fired. A lot of people should get fired. Because there's also the matter of the keys... The keys? You've probably seen the inside of a prison before... No, I'm implying no such thing. I'm just saying you know the layout... You've got an escape tunnel which leads to a cell, okay? So you go in, rescue the people in that cell, and then what? You've got to unlock that cell so you can go and unlock the other cells. And anyway you cut it that's a lot of keys... You keep twenty men to a cell? That's still twenty-five keys, Hamid, and that's an inside job.   Yeah, well I certainly do hope you try to do better... No, I'm not trying to nag you, it's just that we're not going to be there forever... I get it. I know you're glad about that. But I'd hate to see your country descend into total chaos. And Hamid? I don't think that would work out very well for you either... Okay. I'll keep in touch... You have a nice day too.

the good news

On a personal level, the good news is that I'm back home. I've only been gone for four days, but this was one of many less than joyous trips I've taken over the past year and a half, trips to less than civilized environs where internet access is as rare as I like my steaks. So I got myself a little netbook with anywhere access. And it is... okay. I was able to post Saturday and Sunday, and the results didn't look too bad, considering the distractions, like the constant reruns of 'CSI: Whatever' that were blasting at top volume. The tiny keyboard combined with a pair of big clumsy hands takes a bit of getting used to, and the aforementioned hands have a way of interacting with the touchpad in a manner that makes the entered text look eerily similar to a Burroughs cut-up. But enough about me. Upon returning I find that the really good news is happening in Afghanistan, where the Taliban are reaching out to President Hamid Karzai, and no, they're not reaching out with a machete. "There are signs that they are ready for talks, and this intensified after the president announced the program of reintegration and reconciliation after the peace jirga," said Karzai spokesman Waheed Omer (and if you can't trust a man named Waheed Omer, who can you trust?) Hey folks, this was a peace jirga, which for those of you not proficient in the Pashtun dialect, is an assembly of tribal elders which make decisions by consensus. So as long as everything there is agreed to by the tribal youngsters, everything should be copasetic. So, exactly why we are at war with our old proxies from the Mujahideen? "Hey, hey, don't gaze at me, bro," said temporary Afghan Commander David Petraeus. "Did I happen to mention, today or in the past, that I just go wherever they friggin send me? Go ask Bush. All I know is that we were going to take out al-Qaeda and then, whoops, there it is." "I'm afraid that President Bush is unavailable to comment on this particular matter," said spokesman Waheed Omer. "As you know, he has a book coming out in a few weeks which will perhaps address all of these issues in detail. Bwah ha ha ha. Anyway, perhaps you should speak to Vice President in absentia Richard Cheney, or at least to his assistant." "Please leave a message at the tone," said the voicemail for Vice President in absentia spokesperson Liz Cheney. "But if you're just calling up to ask why he recommended going to war against his old friends in the Taliban, please call 1-800-7." "Oh, so the the circle ends up with me in the middle, which is not proper circle behavior, so allow me to recommend that you just go fuck yourself," said Karzai spokesman Waheed Omer. "I am currently manning the fires of the presidential hookah, and although our leader is currently deep in thought, he wishes to relay his opinion that the Taliban were not such bad guys after all, and he himself is puzzled by the nature of the... misunderstanding. It seems to date back to 2001, when he had a job offer that no sane future president could refuse, and he suggests that you might get more satisfactory information by talking to his former partner, Ahmad Shah Massoud." "Oh, Allah, that was so long ago," said Ahmad Shah Massoud spokesperson Mary Ann Omer. "But the sad truth is that my uncle Ahmad was assassinated back on September 9, 2001, and can't come to the phone. He did like the Taliban quite a bit, however, and I'm sure that the fact that they're reaching out now to President Karzai is nothing if not good news."

Karzai rejected

Afghanistan's insurgency today responded to recent remarks from Prime Minister Hamid Karzai, who had threatened that if the international community didn't stop pressuring him to get his government in order, he would join the Taliban. "Well isn't that special," said Taliban spokesman Mohammad Mahsud, broadcasting from Radio Fazullah in Pakistan's Swat Valley. "I relayed Karzai's words to our great leader Mullah Omar, and I swear on Allah's name that the man almost smiled. Almost, it is true, and I could tell that it was an effort for him to suppress it. I myself broke into a broad grin upon seeing such a wild display of emotion, and it is just such a grin that I wear now as I repeat Mullah Omar's reply to Karzai's foolish pledge - thanks, but no thanks." "This is a silly man who hides beneath a silly hat. We are rugged, dangerous men who are not afraid to die, and Hamid Karzai looks like a concierge from a Kabuli chicken restaurant. Seriously, does this man look like he has ever fired an ak-47 in his life? I believe that the only thing he has ever shot off was his mouth. I'm afraid the Taliban has certain standards, and one of those is to refuse membership to anyone who has aided infidels in killing us. Oh, and one more thing. What is that growing on Karzai's face? A beard like that would be laughed right out of the Taliban." "I guess they've got a point with that aiding and abetting thing," said Karzai upon learning about his rejection. "Of course they forget that I supported the Taliban before the invasion, and then... things just got crazy, that's all, and I had some great opportunities come my way that anyone would have jumped at, and... oh well, I understand where they're coming from. But that remark about my beard was totally uncalled for."

The Taunters

In one of their rudest gestures to date, the Taliban has begun mocking President Barack Obama for visiting Afghanistan at nighttime unannounced, creating a situation that made it virtually impossible for them to attack and kill him. "The Mujahideen have driven the enemy further into the corner, to the extent that he is now not able to visit Afghanistan in daylight," they posted on their official website, 'The Smoking Infidel', accompanied with a badly photoshopped picture of Obama's head grafted onto the body of a yellow-bellied jackal. "He comes during the night and hurries back in darkness, ironically acting like a thief. We apologize for the lack of further graphic representation, but unfortunately we found through an exhaustive Google search that most Thieves in the Night ironically look much like us." The Taliban went on to announce that as of today, on their web site, they will feature Dankrias 'Taliban Dan' al-Sluvitz as their official taunter. "With Allah as my witness, no one can mock with the ferocity of Taliban Dan. Before long the entire Muslim world will know that your President Obama is the most cravenly coward America has produced since your President Bush. Take it away, Dan." "Ha, ha! Greetings, frightened American infidels. Tell me, if you would, why did your President Obama cross the road? Because he is a chicken! Bada bing! I've got a multitude of them, and my mockery shall be merciless. We shall taunt you on the beaches, we shall taunt you in the fields and streets, and in the name of the Prophet, we shall never surrender. Or stop taunting."

Taliban warns off South Korea

Taliban fighter flees flying female foot in fear, forsaking fallen friend to foe. South Korea today announced that it intends to send an additional 350 civil engineers to Afghanistan, causing the Taliban to issue it's highest severity threat - the 'bad consequences warning'. Experts believe that the only bad consequences in store are those which are about to befall the Taliban. "Seoul had promised to pull out its soldiers from Afghanistan and that it will never try to send any forces in future," said Maulana Fazlullah, on Swat Valley's Taliban radio station. "What are we to make of these people? They are completely two-faced, and I would not trust them any further than I can throw a wildebeest. If they send their forces to Afghanistan and break their promise, then they should also be prepared for bad consequences, and may Allah have mercy on them if they come after us with their feet." "The Taliban have a deadly fear of all forms of foot fighting," explained Afghan commander Stanley McChrystal. "It doesn't matter whether it's Kung Fu or Kick-boxing or Jeet Kune Do. But the thing that terrifies them the most it Taekwondo, and that's the method that the South Koreans excel at. Every single one of these soldiers - I mean 'civil engineers' heh heh - trained for the 2009 Asian Martial Arts Games. You know, just in case. Before long, I believe we'll be able to say we've broken the back of the Taliban, as well as their shins and quite a few of their ribs." "This is so unfair," said Afghan Taliban leader Mullah Omar. "We believe that the foot is unclean, so be struck by one is quite blasphemous, not to mention painful. And the Koreans, they use girls. We cannot fight girls. Oh sure, we can stone them, we can beat them with sticks, we can throw acid on them, but to meet them on the field of combat would be a disgrace. And to be struck by a flying female foot... My heart is heavy, my future is dark. I told my soldiers they would have to wear groin guards and now they are in open revolt."