the great escape

Hamid? This is Barrack Obama. I wanted to... What do you mean you'll check to see if he's in the office today? Listen, President Karzai, I recognize your voice, I know it's you. I wanted to say that I was really disturbed to hear that you let the Taliban free 500 of their people from Sarposa prison last night... Only 486? Well, that's really not a lot of difference... Yes, I know it's fourteen less, but I... And you were able to recapture 26? Goody gumdrop, that's only 460 left to go... Goody gumdrop? That's an American expression. It means that you're not really making things a hell of a lot better... Well good, it's good to know that you feel bad about it too.   The thing is, you keep assuring me that you're ready to provide for your own country's security but this is just another indication to me that you're not even close... I'm sorry that was hurtful, but you know I always try to be straight with you. How could such a thing even happen... Right... Uh huh... I already knew it was a great big tunnel. I guess you misunderstood my question. What I'm asking is where was your security? Where were the guards? What was... You let everybody take their lunch break at the same time? I almost believe that... No, it is not a great excuse... Because I've got pictures right here on my desk along with a fresh intelligence report... What does it say? You're kidding, right... Well, I don't suppose I can blame you for not trusting your own intelligence sources.   Look, the hole they escaped through was pretty small, just big enough for one prisoner at a time, and then they had to crawl a thousand feet to exit. We figure even if they were hustling, even if the Taliban were beating feet, it had to take the at least four or five hours to get everybody out. Probably longer. And you're telling me that your most dangerous prisoners are spending that much time crawling down a hole and nobody in the prison is going to notice? That is... Yes, yes that does look pretty bad... Somebody's going to get fired? Well good, somebody should get fired. A lot of people should get fired. Because there's also the matter of the keys... The keys? You've probably seen the inside of a prison before... No, I'm implying no such thing. I'm just saying you know the layout... You've got an escape tunnel which leads to a cell, okay? So you go in, rescue the people in that cell, and then what? You've got to unlock that cell so you can go and unlock the other cells. And anyway you cut it that's a lot of keys... You keep twenty men to a cell? That's still twenty-five keys, Hamid, and that's an inside job.   Yeah, well I certainly do hope you try to do better... No, I'm not trying to nag you, it's just that we're not going to be there forever... I get it. I know you're glad about that. But I'd hate to see your country descend into total chaos. And Hamid? I don't think that would work out very well for you either... Okay. I'll keep in touch... You have a nice day too.

defamation avoided

Afghanistan's President Hamid Karzai has gone public with his distaste for the New York Times, calling on the Afghan media to "defame The New York Times just as they have defamed us. And to clarify, by us I mean me."   The Afghan media, primarily the state-owned Bakhtar News Agency, promise to get right on it just as soon as they can find a copy of the Times in Pashto or Dari.   "It would be imprudent to do otherwise," said Ministry of Information and Culture Sayed Makdoom Raheen. "We do not wish to defame the powerful New York Times without first reading the vicious slander which President Karzai has assures us they have slimed him with. My first instinct would be to write that the Times is not worthy of wrapping the dung of a jackal. There is, however, the ever present possibility that our leader was deeply under the spell of our excellent Afghan opiates, so I do not wish to defame simply for the sake of defaming."   The egregious statements to which Karzai was alluding came from a report filed this weekend in which the Times detailed his habit of  soliciting large plastic bags full of euros from Iran which he uses to pay bribes. These bags of moolah were alleged to have contained one to two million dollars and were paid out every other month, Allah willing.   The allegations became moot today after Karzai admitted that they were true, while sternly criticizing the erroneous impression given by the Times that this was some sort of gift. Not at all, he insisted, intriguingly leaving the details for a future report, "they have asked for good relations in return, and for lots of other things in return." And furthermore, so what, the United States give him bribery bucks as well. "They do give us bags of money," he continued in that endearing little way of his. "Yes, yes they do. It's all the same. So let’s not make this an issue."   "Ah, well, if he says let's not make this an issue, then let's not make this an issue," said a relieved Minister Raheen. "I would still very much enjoy defaming the New York Times, and fully intend to do so if they ever say anything about Karzai that isn't true."

The ladies love him

Sure, International opinion has turned against him, and American politicians of all stripes are coming to view him as an unreliable crackpot, but Hamid Karzai is not without his charms. In fact, he's developed a surprising new group of fans - lady wingnuts. "Karzai, whose support we need if we are going to succeed in Afghanistan, is being treated to an especially dangerous and juvenile display from this White House," Liz Cheney told the Southern Republican Leadership Conference. "They dress him down publicly almost daily and refuse to even say that he is an ally. That bully Obama is downright mean to the man, publicly humiliating, publicly demeaning. My heart goes out to him. I'm by no means saying that he's perfect, but we need him." "She needs me," cooed Karzai in his very best Barry White impression. "But would she, such a whole lotta, woman know what to do with me if she had me? Hamid Karzai is a lot to handle, and too much of anything is not good for you, baby." Sarah Palin has also joined the Karzai Admiration Society, and was so impressed by Liz Cheney's words that she decide to repeat them to the same crowd. "In foreign policy now we’ve got the makings of the Obama doctrine, which is coddling enemies, much as I'd like Hamid to coddle me, and alienating allies. They treated the Afghan president poorly and then they feigned surprise when he reacted in kind. I say, Leave Hamid alone! Isn't that bully Obama being just downright mean to the man, publicly humiliating him and publicly demeaning him? You betcha he is. My heart just goes out to him like a mama grizzly bear - Hamid, not Obama. I get the fact that there's no such thing as a perfect man, but we need this guy." "Ooh, love to love you, baby," crooned the Afghani love machine, "maybe I'll get comfortable and take off my hat. I wanna see you the way you came into the world, I don't wanna feel no clothes, I don't wanna see no panties, and take off that brassiere, my dear, everybody's gone." Ironically, everyone was not gone. "Hey, is it too late to get in on this action?" cried Michelle Bachmann. Ironically, it was.

Karzai rejected

Afghanistan's insurgency today responded to recent remarks from Prime Minister Hamid Karzai, who had threatened that if the international community didn't stop pressuring him to get his government in order, he would join the Taliban. "Well isn't that special," said Taliban spokesman Mohammad Mahsud, broadcasting from Radio Fazullah in Pakistan's Swat Valley. "I relayed Karzai's words to our great leader Mullah Omar, and I swear on Allah's name that the man almost smiled. Almost, it is true, and I could tell that it was an effort for him to suppress it. I myself broke into a broad grin upon seeing such a wild display of emotion, and it is just such a grin that I wear now as I repeat Mullah Omar's reply to Karzai's foolish pledge - thanks, but no thanks." "This is a silly man who hides beneath a silly hat. We are rugged, dangerous men who are not afraid to die, and Hamid Karzai looks like a concierge from a Kabuli chicken restaurant. Seriously, does this man look like he has ever fired an ak-47 in his life? I believe that the only thing he has ever shot off was his mouth. I'm afraid the Taliban has certain standards, and one of those is to refuse membership to anyone who has aided infidels in killing us. Oh, and one more thing. What is that growing on Karzai's face? A beard like that would be laughed right out of the Taliban." "I guess they've got a point with that aiding and abetting thing," said Karzai upon learning about his rejection. "Of course they forget that I supported the Taliban before the invasion, and then... things just got crazy, that's all, and I had some great opportunities come my way that anyone would have jumped at, and... oh well, I understand where they're coming from. But that remark about my beard was totally uncalled for."

Karzai increasingly feisty

Afghanistan's President Hamid Karzai lashed out again at the West this weekend, accusing the United States of interfering in Afghan affairs. Karzai's remarks came just two days after his apology to Hillary Clinton for accusing the US of rigging the Afghan election (which he miraculously won anyway). "Just what makes Captain Obvious think the we're interfering in his country's affairs," said the exasperated Secretary of State. "Is it the 100,000 troops we have fighting there, or the billions of dollars worth of aid that he keeps misdirecting? Honestly, sometimes I don't even know why we bother. Wait, I remember why. Because if we weren't fighting in that hellhole, the Republicans would say we're soft on terror." Karzai, who has been getting increasingly cozy with Iran, has begun visiting tribal elders and telling them they have veto power over any further military operations, implying that the insurgency may soon be legitimized as a national resistance. "Well that's opening up a whole new can of worms, isn't it?" said General Stanley McChrystal, lead Commander in Afghanistan. "Of course, a can of worms is considered a delicacy in this godforsaken wasteland, but the point is, I surely don't savor the idea of being considered an occupier rather than a liberator. I suppose it would be unsoldierly of me to say this whole thing is starting to look like a lost cause, wouldn't it? Yeah, that's what I thought, so I won't say it." Karzai appeared to have reached the boiling point on Saturday when he met with Parliament to berate them for refusing to give him the power to appoint all the members of the Electoral Complaints Commission. "If you and the international community pressure me more," he told them, "I swear that I am going to join the Taliban." "Whoops-a-daisy," said Clinton, upon hearing these remarks. "I think I see a possible solution to our Karzai problem."