The Jong Report

"Guess who just shot 82 today, Hillary..." "Who shot 82? What? God, I hope you're not talking about the Taliban..." "No, eighty-two on the golf course. That would be me. El Presidente. Or you can call me Tiger." "Tiger Woods would probably commit suicide if he ever shot an 82. You weren't seriously playing golf today, were you?" "Why not? We haven't had a major new crisis since Monday." "No, I mean that it's over a hundred degrees outside, and with the humidity..." "They've got this special enclosed presidential golf cart, with air-conditioning and a mini-bar..." "Oh yeah, Bill used to love that. But when it got this hot, he'd just go along for the ride and drink beer. He'd use a proxy to get out of the cart, and then criticize the poor guy if he made a bad shot." "Heh heh heh... Well, my proxy is Bob Gates. That's how I managed to shoot an 82. Anyway, down to business." "You've got that look in your eye..." "Come on, Hillary, you know what I like." "The Jong Report? Your favorite briefing. I'm afraid I've got some distressing news in this one, Mister President. You may not care for it." "Distressing news? Well, go ahead and give it to me." "As you know, Pyongyang is making threatening noises again as we commence our military drills with South Korea. So the North is saying... let me read this so I get it right. It's kind of strangely nuanced... Okay. 'The army and people will legitimately counter with their powerful nuclear deterrence the largest-ever nuclear war exercises'." "Yeah, counter with deterrence, I've been thinking about that ever since I first heard it. It's meaningless." "It means something, I'm just not sure what. The thing that puzzled me was their promise of 'retaliatory sacred war'. North Korea talking about sacred war?" "Really. That phrase doesn't even make sense in the context of their culture." "They also said 'The more desperately the US imperialists brandish their nukes and the more zealously their lackeys follow them, the more rapidly the nuclear deterrence will be bolstered up along the orbit of self-defense'." "The usual bullshit. What's the upshot?" "They'll probably shoot a few missiles into the sea, something to try and get our attention. The most interesting thing is that we don't believe this message came from Kim Jong-il." "Really? Why is that?" "Because if it was from Jong, it would have been 'The more desperatry the US imperiarists brandish their nukes and the more zearousry their rackeys forrow them, the more rapidry the nucrear deterrence wirr be borstered up arong the orbit of serf-defense'. Just sayin." "Bwah haha ha ha..." "Jong would have said 'We are becoming increasingry tired of the of the berrigerence of the West and their imperiarists miratary. We would just as soon annihirate you as rook at you. As for the irregitimate government of the South and their craims that we started these tensions by browing up their ritter boat, we have stated crearry in the past that they are rying asshores'." "Hoo hoo hoo, oh I rove it, that rying asshore line gets me every time." "Just don't rove it too much, boss. Remember I said I had some distressing news? Here, take a look at this photo." "What the hell is that? The Oscar for ugliest dictator?" "Not bad... This surfaced a few days ago in Pyongyang. It's a statue of Jong." "Okay... and you're saying the the country is now so poor that they now have to use pewter instead of bronze for their statues? What's the significance?" "The significance is that there is a statue. Jong is still a follower of Confucianism, so he believes that..." "That a statue would symbolize the end of his regime. Damn, I'm glad I picked you for this job, Hillary." "Thank you. This probably means that our intelligence has been spot on, and Jong will be replaced by his third son before the end of summer." "Kim Jong-un." "Kim Jong-un or Kim Jong Eun or Kim Jong-woon or Kim Jung Woon, whatever the hell you want to call him. Don't laugh, he's apparently got a lot of names." "I know, I just like the way you say them." "I think that we can probably conclude that the latest North Korean belligerence is just a way to keep our focus elsewhere while they negotiate the transfer of power... But I'm afraid the bad news is that Jong-un has no accent." "No accent?" "Not a funny one, at any rate. He went to school in Switzerland and speaks pretty good English, German and French." "Aww... Chirac and Merkel are going to be disappointed. The Jong Report just isn't going to be the same." "Don't give up. There's an awful lot we don't know about him yet. Like, reportedly he's pretty overweight..." "Uh Huh. That's a good look to have in a starving country." "...and he's a heavy drinker who refuses to admit mistakes..." "Sounds like an ex-president I know." "...and akin to Beroved Reader before him, the radies rike him." "Heh... Thanks, Hillary. I guess we'll still have the memories." "Any time, boss. That's what I'm here for."

The Jong Report

"Mister President? Barry?" "Come in and take a load off, Hillary. I've been anxious to hear about the preparations for your Asia trip. Can I have them get you something to drink?" "Coffee would be great... As for the trip, everything seems to be on schedule. I'll be in Japan first, meeting with Prime Minister Hatoyama and Foreign Minister Okada, ostensibly to discuss our air base, but I imagine we'll primarily focus on North Korea. Then it's on to China, where they want me to tour their Shanghai Expo. All day Saturday. God I hate those things. Then I meet up with Geithner and the rest of the guys on Sunday for our economic talks. I guess my main role in that will be to try to keep my eyes open. And then on Monday, it's off to South Korea to meet with Mungobungo." "Myung-bak, President Lee Myung-bak. He hates it when you mispronounce his name, Hillary. "Yeah, whatever. I asked him last time if I could just call him Lee, so it's all good now. I'm just worried about what our proper course to take is in shaping a meaningful response to the North Korean aggression." "Just make sure that Myung-bak takes the lead, that's all. It was their boat that the North sank, so they need to decide how much they want to commit, and then we decide what we can support." "Well don't be surprised if you get one of those three in the morning phone calls, Mister President. Nobody's ever been able to figure out what to do with Kim Jong-il. By the way, I wanted to say a couple things about last night's state dinner for President Calderón." "That was some wingding, wasn't it. How did you like Beyoncé? President Calderón seemed enchanted by her." "Yeah, but then I think you might have harshed his buzz when you segued her into the Marine Corp Band. You probably could have gotten Jay-Z in a package deal. By the way, did it ever occur to you that just because you have the president of Mexico over for a state dinner, you don't have to serve him Mexican food? Like, how would you feel if when you went to Russia, they served you a Big Mac and fries?" "I guess that much like your husband, I'd feel pretty good about it. What the hell do you know about preparing for a State Dinner, anyway? ...Jeez, forget I asked that." "Forgotten." "So, before you leave, Hillary, do you think you can do one little last thing for me?" "Oh. What would that be?" "Come on. You know what I like..." "The Jong Report? You love that, don't you?" "I can't help myself, Hillary, it makes me raugh." "It makes you raugh, does it? Then rets do it." "Peeper of Korea, this is your beroved reader Kim Jong-ir with urgent news regarding our enemy to the south. As you have probabry heard, the irregitimate government of President Mungobungo recentry rost one of their primitive war ships when it was struck by an American misser. This is the reason for the hastiry arraigned visit from Hirrary Crinton." "Heh heh heh heh..." "It's bad enough that the imperiarist United States attacked our mortar enemy to the south, something that we would never do for a mirrion dorrars. Okay, maybe for ten mirrion dorrars we would murr it over... But now, that is exactry what we are now being accused of by the rying asshore Mungobungo." "Wah ha ha ha ha ha, rying asshore. hee hee hee..." "This wirr not stand! South Korea terrs the worrd that it matched the torpedo which sank their sirry ship with one that was recentry featured in our export weapons catarogue. What are these scoundrers doing with our catarogue? They aren't even on our mairing rist." "Bwah hahahaha ha ha... Do the eyes again." "This wirr not stand. North Korea is the riving embodiment of the hopes of arr mankind, as werr as something that the radies rike. You know what I mean, Hirrary? I know you do" "We warn our traitorous enemy that they wirr have to present definitive proof that is suspicion-free, and capaber of even fooring me. In response to any type of punitive measure, we will retariate, even with an arr-out war, and that's not a pretty site. We have rong-range Taepodong missirs, which we can send crashing down rike a viorent purper rain. Purper rain, purper rain..." "Hoo hoo hoo, wah hee hee hee, stop, bwahahahaha stop it Hillary, I can't take no more." "What did you say? You don't rike my singing?" "I said, Stop it, Hirrary, that's arr I can take." "Okay, as rong as you ask me nicery... Hey, gotta get to my flight. Tell the kids I'll bring them back something special from the Shanghai Expo." "That's nice. Good luck with Mungobungo. Try not to get too worked up about North Korea. We've been trying to figure out what to do with those guys since Eisenhower. And thanks a lot for the Jong Report. That always puts me in a better mood." "No problem, boss, happy to be of service.."

has it been two years already?

from the archives...

Karzai increasingly feisty

Afghanistan's President Hamid Karzai lashed out again at the West this weekend, accusing the United States of interfering in Afghan affairs. Karzai's remarks came just two days after his apology to Hillary Clinton for accusing the US of rigging the Afghan election (which he miraculously won anyway). "Just what makes Captain Obvious think the we're interfering in his country's affairs," said the exasperated Secretary of State. "Is it the 100,000 troops we have fighting there, or the billions of dollars worth of aid that he keeps misdirecting? Honestly, sometimes I don't even know why we bother. Wait, I remember why. Because if we weren't fighting in that hellhole, the Republicans would say we're soft on terror." Karzai, who has been getting increasingly cozy with Iran, has begun visiting tribal elders and telling them they have veto power over any further military operations, implying that the insurgency may soon be legitimized as a national resistance. "Well that's opening up a whole new can of worms, isn't it?" said General Stanley McChrystal, lead Commander in Afghanistan. "Of course, a can of worms is considered a delicacy in this godforsaken wasteland, but the point is, I surely don't savor the idea of being considered an occupier rather than a liberator. I suppose it would be unsoldierly of me to say this whole thing is starting to look like a lost cause, wouldn't it? Yeah, that's what I thought, so I won't say it." Karzai appeared to have reached the boiling point on Saturday when he met with Parliament to berate them for refusing to give him the power to appoint all the members of the Electoral Complaints Commission. "If you and the international community pressure me more," he told them, "I swear that I am going to join the Taliban." "Whoops-a-daisy," said Clinton, upon hearing these remarks. "I think I see a possible solution to our Karzai problem."

Iranian runaround

Iran has officially announced the grand opening of two new production facilities for unmanned aerial drones. The planes, which have been in development for at least two years, are said to have both surveillance and attack capabilities, and are similar to the drones the US has been using in Pakistan and Afghanistan. The revelation came shortly after Iran's pronouncement that it was building several new enrichment centers to facilitate their move toward a higher refinement grade of Uranium, and pretty much at the same time that U.S. Defense Secretary Gates was meeting with European leaders to discuss what type of ineffectual new sanctions to deploy against Iran. Speaking today at the Tehran Kiwanis Club luncheon, where he was receiving their coveted Bahram Radan award, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad scoffed at "all the silly Western talk about our so called wicked intentions," saying that "as usual for those held in thrall by the Zionists, these people are simply overreacting to their inadequate interpretation of Ayatollah Khamenei's innocent words. As far as I know, the Supreme Leader was probably just kidding." Earlier in the day, Supreme Leader Khamenei had casually mentioned that "the Iranian nation, with its unity and God's grace, will punch the arrogance of the Western powers on the 22nd of Bahman (February 11) in a way that will leave them stunned." "Ah, that's the Supreme Leader for you," laughed Ahmadinejad. "Always with the drama, that fellow. I remember last year when he promised that he would puncture the heart of my shameful pride, and then when I asked him what I had done, he tells me my reelection to the presidency was now official. And then he laughed and laughed. Inwardly. I assume. Well, thank you for this wonderful luncheon, and the little statue of Bahram Radan. And the flowers - the flowers are beautiful. Now if you will be so kind as to excuse me, I have some protestors I must execute. Just kidding, just kidding. Perhaps." "That guy just drives me crazy," said Secretary of State Clinton. "As a matter of fact, his entire government drives me nuts. I don't get his jokes, but since he's always smiling, I feel like I have to give him some benefit of the doubt. And Khamenei, you manage to get through to him, he just says 'talk to Mahmoud', so he's useless... I ask President Ahmadinejad, what do you need higher grade Uranium for, and he tells me that Iran needs radioisotopes for their hospitals, so I ask why he needs to make such a large quantity of the radioisotopes, and he claims there are a lot of really sick dissidents in Iran. Really? I ask him about the drones and he says that they're for flying the radioisotopes to the sick dissidents in the hospitals, yada yada yada. I think there's a real credibility gap with him, and I've got half a mind to suggest that we impose even harsher ineffectual sanctions on this whole untrustworthy government."

The Jong Report

"I was as surprised as anyone," Secretary of State Hillary Clinton revealed today to MSNBC anchor Tamron Hall. "But it appears that North Korea has actually followed through on one of their threats. They've wiped the U.S. off of the map." "Technically speaking, I don't think that this would qualify as sticking to their word," countered Hall. "I mean, they had a conditional in there. They said that they would wipe us off the globe if we started another war. But we haven't started another war... Have we?" "Hey, you're the newslady, Tamron, you tell me." "Ha. No we haven't, Madame Secretary, and so I am going to state unequivocally that Kim Jong-il has not followed through on a threat, but has, instead, done something totally unpredictable." "Let me ask you something, Tamron. Is there anything more predictable than Jong doing something unpredictable?" "Uh... that's true. Jong is a real wild card." "Jong is a real shmuck. And what's more, he did this in his usual totally predictable half-assed manner. Check it out - he forgot to wipe out Alaska." "You're... hee hee hee... You're right." "Beroved Reader forgot to obriterate Araska." "Wah hahaha ha ha ha...." "His merciress eraser seems to have missed Hawaii, too." "Hah hee wah hahahaha..." "Rook! I see a ritter piece of Minnesota!" "Bwahahahahahahaha... Stop it, Madame Secretary, you're killing me!" "I'm kirring you, Tamron Harr? Now? Just you wait untir I raunch my pitiress rong-range Taepodong missirs."