protesters in real trouble now...

Greetings protesters, your president wishes to have a word with you. Yes, I said your president, whether you like it or not. I realize that there are those among you on the streets today who are not pleased by this fact, but that is not my problem, that is your problem. How many of you remember the Basij? Those guys are pretty good with an iron pipe, aren't they? The last time I unleashed the Basij, I am willing to bet that many of you became very well acquainted with them as they attempted to knock some sense into you, but apparently that lesson was not learned.   This is a teachable moment. How many of you... Hey! Who flung their footwear? I order you to speak up. Nobody? Very well then, I will have to treat you all as the guilty party if you wish to behave like that. I will... Hey! That is not amusing! Be forewarned that the police will be scanning this entire crowd for two men with only shoe. Or one man with no shoes. Anyone who chose to protest barefoot is in for a very bad day.   Now, as to that teachable moment, do you see what it is that I hold in my hand? That is correct, it is a MacBook. And as you may know, one of it's many useful functions is the ability to quickly and easily connect to social networking sites such as, oh, I don't know... such as FaceBook, where it just so happens that I have an account. How man of you are familiar with Freedom Fighting Fazoul? Ah, I can tell by the gasps that I have many friends here today.   The point that I wish to make is that we know who is leading your illegal opposition. Mehdi Karroubi, Mohammad Khatami and Mir Mussein Moussavi, am I correct? I know that I am. They will soon be arrested and their day will just go downhill from there. In a happy coincidence, the Iranian Parliament met earlier today and voted 222-68 that these traitors be declared corrupts on earth and tried. That is a very serious charge, being a corrupt on earth. If they are convicted, and I assure you they will be, the penalty is death. Not just any death either. The Supreme Leader gets to chose the method from the Iranian Blue Book of Butchery, and believe me, there is not a compassionate word in that entire tome.   So. This does not seem to be a very positive environment for continued protest, does it? I will make you a deal, however, as I did promise the Supreme Leader that I would try to avoid a bloodbath. Go on home, and we will pretend that this was all just an overly exuberate celebration of Egypt's liberation. That is a pretty good... Oww! Mohammaddamnit, that one hit me. Okay, that was a Bruno Maglis, you people are really in hot water now...

Iran snubbed back

In a completely egregious display of incivility, Iran has invited all of the cool countries to send a delegation to their January nuclear inspection party, but forgotten to include the United States. Some analysts believe that this was no accident. "We snubbed America?" responded a surprised President Ahmadinejad. "Oh, that sounds like something she would say. Always questioning our good intentions. But I want to make it clear that it was indeed an accident. What's that American phrase? Oh yes... it was accidentally on purpose."   "I mean, just think about it," fumed Ahmadinejad. "All we ever get from America is bitching and whining, never an encouraging word. It's disheartening. She's already bad-mouthing the party because she wasn't invited, but with her you cannot win. If we had invited America to the party, she would be bad-mouthing it anyway, 'Oh, there's not enough hors d'oeuvres' or 'They won't let me see the reactor room'. I tell you, there's no pleasing that country and quite frankly I feel that everyone else will have a better time if she just doesn't come."   "I am kind of disappointed that Iran didn't invited us," said State Department spokesman PJ Crowley. "Yeah, if Iran had asked I would have had the distinct pleasure of saying no."   "You see how she is," Ahmadinejad replied with irritation. "Always with the negativity. She says these things and maybe even convinces herself they're true. Next thing you know, she'll probably be trying to talk the other countries out of attending our party, maybe even having a bigger party herself. Well, it may be bigger, but I assure you that it won't be better."   "Iranian parties are crap parties, everybody knows that," Crowley snapped back, going on to deride the inspection party as a 'Magical Mystery Tour'. "These are antics that we've seen from Iran in the past, where they tried to kind of flash a shiny object and said: 'No, don't look over there, look here'. Totally bogus and totally not worth it."   "What?" moaned an aggrieved Ahmadinejad. "America said that? Really? I truly do not understand the meanness of spirit. She says Magical Mystery Tour like it's some sort of bad thing. Of course we love the 'look here, don't look there game', as do many fine countries, but I guess it's just not sophisticated enough for her. But honestly, to deride our shiny things is beyond the pale. Iran has the finest shiny things in the world."

Iranian runaround

Iran has officially announced the grand opening of two new production facilities for unmanned aerial drones. The planes, which have been in development for at least two years, are said to have both surveillance and attack capabilities, and are similar to the drones the US has been using in Pakistan and Afghanistan. The revelation came shortly after Iran's pronouncement that it was building several new enrichment centers to facilitate their move toward a higher refinement grade of Uranium, and pretty much at the same time that U.S. Defense Secretary Gates was meeting with European leaders to discuss what type of ineffectual new sanctions to deploy against Iran. Speaking today at the Tehran Kiwanis Club luncheon, where he was receiving their coveted Bahram Radan award, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad scoffed at "all the silly Western talk about our so called wicked intentions," saying that "as usual for those held in thrall by the Zionists, these people are simply overreacting to their inadequate interpretation of Ayatollah Khamenei's innocent words. As far as I know, the Supreme Leader was probably just kidding." Earlier in the day, Supreme Leader Khamenei had casually mentioned that "the Iranian nation, with its unity and God's grace, will punch the arrogance of the Western powers on the 22nd of Bahman (February 11) in a way that will leave them stunned." "Ah, that's the Supreme Leader for you," laughed Ahmadinejad. "Always with the drama, that fellow. I remember last year when he promised that he would puncture the heart of my shameful pride, and then when I asked him what I had done, he tells me my reelection to the presidency was now official. And then he laughed and laughed. Inwardly. I assume. Well, thank you for this wonderful luncheon, and the little statue of Bahram Radan. And the flowers - the flowers are beautiful. Now if you will be so kind as to excuse me, I have some protestors I must execute. Just kidding, just kidding. Perhaps." "That guy just drives me crazy," said Secretary of State Clinton. "As a matter of fact, his entire government drives me nuts. I don't get his jokes, but since he's always smiling, I feel like I have to give him some benefit of the doubt. And Khamenei, you manage to get through to him, he just says 'talk to Mahmoud', so he's useless... I ask President Ahmadinejad, what do you need higher grade Uranium for, and he tells me that Iran needs radioisotopes for their hospitals, so I ask why he needs to make such a large quantity of the radioisotopes, and he claims there are a lot of really sick dissidents in Iran. Really? I ask him about the drones and he says that they're for flying the radioisotopes to the sick dissidents in the hospitals, yada yada yada. I think there's a real credibility gap with him, and I've got half a mind to suggest that we impose even harsher ineffectual sanctions on this whole untrustworthy government."

rials for Mahmoud

Claiming that Iran really doesn't have enough problems on it's hands at the moment, President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad today stunned Russia and England by claiming that they "owe Iran vast numbers of rials," and demanding they pay up promptly, "as the interest is growing daily." "I have been studying the history of Iran in the twentieth century," explained Ahmadinejad, "and have come across many interesting and shocking things, things that have gone unaddressed until this very day. It seems that in 1941, your countries occupied our sovereign nation of Iran. Certainly I was aware of that fact, but I guess I have always been so distracted by your empowerment of the hated Shah Pahlavi that I've never really focused on it. At any rate, you inflicted lots of damages to the Iranian nation, put your weight on the shoulders of the Iranian people, and became victors in the World War II. And you didn't even share the war profits with Iran. If I say today that we will take full compensation, know that we will stand to the end and will take it. And forget what I said about rials, euros and rubles would both be fine." "Clear off, Ahmadinejad, that's bloody outrageous," said British Prime Minister Gordon Brown. "We suffered something awful during that war, and we're not going to apologize for borrowing your wretched country for a few years, much less pay you for it. We're not exactly buddies, if you've noticed. You should just be glad that we haven't put any tougher sanctions on you yet than we have - I've half a mind to do so. And here's another clue for you - when you're itching for a payday, try being a bit more specific. With the exchange rate to the euro running 14,000 to 1, I could give you 'vast numbers of rials' out of my pocket change and still not short my breakfast budget. Now, bugger off." Ahmadinejad also noted that he would soon be turning his attention and his accountants towards World War I, another time when Iran had been occupied by Britain and Russia. "A team has been assigned to calculate all the damages inflicted on Iran," he explained. "This will be an invoice they you must pay to the Iranian nation." "You know what, comrade," said Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin, "You've been a great trading partner over the years, but you're kind of dodgy as a strategic partner, and quite frankly, I'm starting to take a shine to this Obama fellow. Now excuse me while I call up Gordon and discuss those sanctions."

Hacked!

"And now, Your Excellency, I shall power up my MacBook. As Supreme Leader, I thought you should be one of the first people to hear all of the exciting details about our new pipeline deal with Turkmenistan. I just returned from my meeting with President Berdymukhamedov late last night, and... Ha ha, you are correct, as well as funny, Gurbanguly Berdymukhamedov is quite a mouthful... If Sean Hannity has trouble pronouncing my name, I'll bet he prays that old Garbanguly is never in the news. Sean Hannity? He is a member of the American punditocracy, Your Excellency. He would remind you a lot of me, except not as clever or good looking." "Anyway, as I was saying, this is a very exciting deal for Iran. This pipeline will mean an additional 12 billion cubic meters of natural gas per year, and... hold on, I've got all the details on my web site, let me just type it in, and... now, hit enter... huh, it's a little slow today... What's this? Where's my smiling picture? Oooh, my webmaster is going to get an earful, believe me... I don't know, Your Excellency, we seem to have been redirected... It's a bit technical, but it basically means we are not where we should be. There is nothing but a white screen and a short message." "Uh... it says 'Dear God, In 2009 you took my favorite singer - Michael Jackson, my favorite actress - Farrah Fawcett, my...' Farrah Fawcett? She was probably before your time, a very brazen woman with golden locks of hair. Let's see... 'my favorite actor - Patrick Swayze'... No, sorry Your Excellency, I can't help you with that one... and 'my favorite voice - Neda'." "Yes, Your Excellency, I fear that you are correct in your assumption that this refers to Neda Agha-Soltan, and... Yes indeed I agree that those words are traitorous, and... It's not my fault, I've been hacked! Just because it's on my site doesn't mean I wrote it!... Okay, Your Excellency, I'll have my web site shut down immediately... Okay, okay, just as soon as I finish reading this message for you... 'Please, please, don’t forget my favorite politician – Ahmadinejad and my favorite dictator – Khamenei in the year 2010. Thank you.' Uh... I think that... That is much the same way I would interpret it... My sincerest apologies... But on the main topic, wasn't that great news about the pipeline?... Yes, Your Excellency, I'll have the Revolutionary Guard arrest my webmaster just as soon as I finish with him."

Shah Khamenei

"This is beyond the pale," said disgusted Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, addressing the official Iranian press following the latest student riots. "We send these ungrateful young hooligans to our finest universities, and they appear to learn nothing at all. Allah willing, they will soon learn what a good beating feels like." Although the riots as usual are widespread, Ahmadinejad was particularly upset by the latest anti-government slogans, many of which called for the dismantling of the paramilitary Basenji and the death of Supreme Leader Ayatollah Khamenei, some going so far as to compare him to the hated Western Puppet, The Shah, a man who is held in even lower esteem than The Joker is in America. "When I look out at the streets of Tehran, and see these dissidents with their posters, photoshopped as I know they are, depicting our beloved Supreme Leader Ayatollah Khamenei as The Shah, well, it fills my heart with shame," said Ahmadinejad. "The Shah, the accursed Shah, oh, that is far too much too bear. Hyperbole may at times be a useful device, but this sort of personal defilement of our beloved - and supreme - Khamenei, is enough to make me light a match underneath the buttocks of our loyal Basenji ad tell them to go and have at it. Bang a gong, right a wrong, get it on." Surprisingly, Ahmadinejad did not seem perturbed by The Basenji being compared to Hitler's Brown Shirts by the protestors. "All in all, it is not an unfair comparison," said a grinning Mahmoud, "Even though the Basenji primarily torment and terrorize reckless Iranian youth as opposed to hapless Jews. But make no mistake about it, given the opportunity, they would be more than happy to torment and terrorize the Jews as well."